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#463174 - 03/25/14 09:57 PM My first post - Not sure if I am even a victim...
mbourne Offline


Registered: 03/23/14
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,

I am not sure if I was abused as a child or not, but I did have many of the traits associated with abuse when I was younger even though I didn't realise it at the time.

I have always been introvert, shy but obsessed with sex and seriously lacking confidence in a big way. I cannot remember a time when I didn't masturbate. I have memories of it as young as 7 or 8. And thinking about sex still occupies way too much of my day than it should.

I do have very early memories that people are surprised I can recall. I remember certain things that happened in a house we left when I was 7-8 years old and I remember those few things really clearly. Just pieces though, like short pieces of video with absolute recall but nothing else. I remember using a potty once for example, the smells, the feel of the carpet on my feet, everything! I even remember bits of my first day at school, Christmas morning when I was about 5, etc!

That leads me to some things that I remember that make me wonder if I was actually abused in some way. Before I start, I should say I do not remember any actual abuse what-so-ever. But I do remember a pretty disturbing dream I had when I was young, several times, I can't remember how many times, I just know it was a few. And I warn you now, it is very weird and disturbing (it was to me then and its even more disturbing now!)

I cannot remember when these dreams started, I am pretty certain it was before I was 8. We moved when I was 8 and I am fairly certain it was before we moved. I remember waking from this dream and remembering it, more than the details of the dream itself.


*EXTREMELY Disturbing dream alert*

The dream (or the only part I can remember) was laying in a room or stable (don't recall anything about the stable at all) and there was a female donkey standing over me (I have no idea why!!!). It got down on its knees (I guess) and my penis and whole scrotum felt like it was being sucked up inside its vagina and the animal would move around a bit on top of me before I would suddenly just wake up!


Now, I realise that is really screwed up... and that is the main worry... where the hell did a kid of about 7 come up with a dream like? Also, and this is the really disturbing part... the most intense thing was the physical sensations that I felt. It felt so real, the sensations I was "dreaming" felt like they were really happening. And now I have obviously felt what it is like to be inside a woman, it was a very very similar sensation! It really did feel like what it would feel like to rub against a woman's aroused labia. HOW on earth could I have felt that sensation when I wasn't going to feel it for real for many many years to come?!?!?

I feel it worth pointing out that I never have had or currently do have and certainly don't foresee ever having any leanings towards animals or anything monumentally weird like that. I am very sure that the donkey was representative of whatever did happen, or whatever my subconscious was trying to tell me. Maybe there is a dream therapist among us who could tell me what the heck a dream like that means!!! My suspicious and analytical mind makes me think my brain exchanged an abuser for a harmless animal because I couldn't process what had happened maybe. I hope I am wrong!

I also had a much more recurring nightmare about microphones on stands coming out of my parent's room at the end of the hall and throwing me over the railings, down the stairs. When I hit the bottom of the stairs I would wake up in a cold sweat, terrified to my core. (I still don't know what is so scarey about microphones on stands, I didn't then either!!! But they scared the crap out of me in my dream! Not in real life then either) This dream was recurring for a long time when I was about 5-8yrs old (approx) and I remember even seeing a therapist about it but my mum took me out of there when they started asking questions about her past. I actually learned to control the dream though... When I knew I was in the dream, I would jump the railings right away and skip the fear. I would wake up, not too phased, and just go straight back to sleep. I have since found out that is quite an achievement to control your dreams. Once I had learned to control them, I stopped having the dream pretty soon after.



Other than those dreams, I have one image... a fragment of a memory... very disjointed... I was in the bath, in the first house I remember (which we moved from when I was about 7), and I was in there with a woman. I don't know who she was, I can't see her face or even her full body, just my foot between her legs... the scale my foot compared to her suggests to me that I was VERY young and it could be out of context. But it looks like the woman was making my foot touch her inappropriately.


Thats all I have, fragments and pieces... there is one more and I may share that later depending on how this goes as it may be totally unconnected.



I don't know what I hope to achieve by even doing this. It has just been nagging at me for years and I saw this forum and thought I would give it a try. Maybe somebody can help me to make sense of it or give me some insight in to how to dig deeper or something. I have suspicions but I really don't know if this could all be a jumbled mess combined with some healthy paranoia. I know I have issues with women. My first time with a girl was later than most and it did not go well, nor the second or third for that matter. I really had to overcome something, I don't even know what it was, I just knew it took a while for me to get past something before I could have fun. I did get past it and had a lot of fun afterwards but I still have a fear of commitment, trust issues and other less than brilliant personality traits that I don't like much.

Anybody got any ideas what I should do about this, how to proceed or if I should just forget about it and carry on regardless. Even if my worst suspisions are somehow confirmed, I am not sure anything would really change. I live quite far from everyone I knew as a kid. I guess I want to know because it might make me understand ME better! Because I don't take chances, I hide and given the choice between going out and staying home alone, I would prefer staying home alone 90% of the time and that's not really normal I know.

Thanks for reading my ramblings... hope I didn't gross you out too much.

M

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#463222 - 03/26/14 03:33 PM Re: My first post - Not sure if I am even a victim... [Re: mbourne]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hello Bourne,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for you to have found MS.

Only you really now if abuse occurred, and you seem pretty convinced.
So I would suggest that what you describe leans toward a history of abuse.
I believe you and commend you for speaking the truth you are aware of.

You may have dissociated during the abuse, so you may have no conscious recollection of it.
Dissociation is common and what I experienced, as far as my therapist and I can determine.
However I do have full recollection of everything leading up to the actual abuse, as well as after, so the picture is a lot clearer for me.

As far as what you could do about this, one you are here, well done, next I would offer that therapy can help direct and focus your recovery, and is invaluable as a recovery tool.

Welcome and keep well
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#463252 - 03/26/14 10:57 PM Re: My first post - Not sure if I am even a victim... [Re: mbourne]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Welcome mbourne,

The memory fragments, dreams, and after effects on your life, do sound like its worth looking into. Perhaps with a therapist trained in childhood trauma. One way or another you deserve to find the cause of what is troubling you, and then begin moving in a more positive direction with you life. Coming here si a good start. Keep it up!

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#463667 - 04/04/14 05:23 PM Re: My first post - Not sure if I am even a victim... [Re: mbourne]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
something is bothering you.
it may be hidden memories.
something brought you here.
it could be instinct.

welcome to ms.org.

i hope you find some clues to your situation,
and hopefully some answers.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#463692 - 04/05/14 05:02 AM Re: My first post - Not sure if I am even a victim... [Re: mbourne]
mbourne Offline


Registered: 03/23/14
Posts: 2
Thank you for the support smile

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