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#463163 - 03/25/14 06:51 PM Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning
PerseveringDaily Offline


Registered: 02/12/14
Posts: 4
Loc: California, USA
I just want to hear from thhose who were tortured and manipulated and brainwashed in addition to the molestation/rape.

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#463176 - 03/25/14 10:42 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Yes, I was. The sexual assault was secondary to the torture. My father and his friend restrained my sister and me and laughed at our agony while they tortured us. Then they raped us or penetrated us with tools from the toolbox they kept at hand. They did this nearly every Saturday afternoon from the time I could recall (around 3 and half years old) until I was near 6. The attacks continued, but they changed to mostly torture with a sexual component to them.
My father used religious indoctrination as a tool to control every part of our minds. He often referred to the story of Abraham and Isaac, when the father laid his son on the altar to sacrifice him to God. He quoted scriptures about the man being the head of the house, that children should obey their parents regardless of the order, and that Christians should suffer in silence and turn the other cheek. Our church's doctrine (Pentecostal/evangelical) facilitated the assaults and empowered the attackers.
Just for laughs, my father attempted to perform surgery on my foot with a pocket knife. He tried to set me up to get drowned in a rushing river. One time, he ran over my foot with a car. When he had a bad day, he would beat me until I couldn't stand or walk.
He is a very very sick person, and so was his friend. Were you tortured as well?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463177 - 03/25/14 11:00 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: WriterKeith]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1930
Keith, I am so sorry. But I am impressed with your strength and resiliency.
_________________________
Eirik



Click my pic to see why I'm here.

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#463180 - 03/26/14 12:05 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: PerseveringDaily
I just want to hear from thhose who were tortured and manipulated and brainwashed in addition to the molestation/rape.


Yes.

Pufferfish story part 5

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9028#Post219028

Don't read it casually. It's triggering and depressing. But how was it to go through it???

I know there are others, but it's not for me to say right now.

Puffer


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#463187 - 03/26/14 04:14 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Puffer, your story both hurts and helps to read. Those pictures....I look at them and wonder who on earth could look at that boy and want to hurt him? I think the same when I see a photo of myself as a boy. I guess the answer is, "a sick monster would."
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463188 - 03/26/14 04:22 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: Chase Eric]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Thanks, Eric, although I owe much of my strength to our group here on MS. There really is strength in numbers, even if we're just reading them online. I see there are over 12,000 here on MS.org now.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463198 - 03/26/14 08:08 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 924
Loc: New York
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#463212 - 03/26/14 12:40 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: SoccerStar]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
There is a thread called "Kidnap Survival". Many of the posters there have been tortured.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post462462

Puffer

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#463223 - 03/26/14 04:00 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: WriterKeith]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Puffer, your story both hurts and helps to read. Those pictures....I look at them and wonder who on earth could look at that boy and want to hurt him? I think the same when I see a photo of myself as a boy. I guess the answer is, "a sick monster would."


I found a quotation in a reputable book about this*. It is talking about torture as used in interrogation. I think that what I endured was possibly explained in terms of perfecting techniques which could be applied to interrogation.

Originally Posted By: Alfred W. McCoy page 9

Victims often need extensive treatment to recover from injury far more crippling than mere physical pain. Perpetrators can suffer a dangerous expansion of ego, leading to escalating cruelty and lasting emotional disorders. Though any ordinary man or woman can be trained to torture, every gulag has a few masters who take to the task with sadistic flair -- abhorred by their victims and valued by their superiors.


I'm not sure whether the lasting emotional disorders referred to here are those of the perpetrator or the victim.

He goes on...
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Applied under the pressure of actual field operations after 1963, psychological methods soon gave way to unimaginable cruelties, physical and sexual, by individual perpetrators whose improvisations, plumbing the human capacity for brutality, are often horrifying.


More:
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Why, one might ask, is psychological torture so devastating, inflicting harm that is often more lasting than even the most brutal form of physical abuse?
...
victims suffer "a mistrust bordering on paranoia, and a loss of interest that greatly surpasses anything observed in anxiety disorders."
...
The subject...remains a tired human being, relatively uninterested and unable to concentrate.


I don't think that in my case I demonstrate all of these symptoms. I went on to graduate from college and graduate school and a teaching career. It may be that I achieved this in spite of what happened. After I "remembered" what happened there, I really did lose focus. I've been like that for about 30 years. There was another major incident of abuse by those perpetrators. I haven't reported on it in any detail here. I'm still trying to figure it out.

*Alfred W. McCoy, A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, from the Cold War to the War on Terror.

http://www.amazon.com/Question-Torture-Interrogation-Cold-Terror/dp/0805080414/

Alfred W. McCoy is a history professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The book cited contains extensive references and notes, amounting to 68 pages.

Puffer

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#463228 - 03/26/14 06:15 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 383
I wonder what the difference is between physical abuse/ getting beaten up and torture..?
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#463230 - 03/26/14 07:19 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 997
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
For me it has to do with conscious intention as opposed to impulsively striking out. In other words, consciously intending to cause me pain, and communicating clearly energy of hatred. Know that from both my parents. Very early.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463236 - 03/26/14 09:15 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 195
Yes
_________________________
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

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#463321 - 03/28/14 12:42 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 302
There are a lot of ways of being tortured. I consider emotional torture as very real. I have also been a victim of all the other stuff you mentioned. your question is a good one but very broad based. I speak to most of them in my blog. It made for a hard life. but it does get better. feel free to read my blog. Based on your question i know you will relate.

stay strong.

rich
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463342 - 03/28/14 08:00 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
There are layers upon layers to deal with, I suppose mostly because of PTSD. From what I've learned, it seems it does make a difference in treatment when sexual assault is coupled with any type of torture, but as far as this community is concerned, there really is no "worse than" or "not as bad as."
It only takes one assault for the brain to rewire itself and produce intense symptoms in the aftermath of a sexual violation.
Do you guys agree? Maybe not?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463454 - 03/31/14 05:26 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: WriterKeith]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 289
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
There are layers upon layers to deal with, I suppose mostly because of PTSD. From what I've learned, it seems it does make a difference in treatment when sexual assault is coupled with any type of torture, but as far as this community is concerned, there really is no "worse than" or "not as bad as."
It only takes one assault for the brain to rewire itself and produce intense symptoms in the aftermath of a sexual violation.
Do you guys agree? Maybe not?


I agree with that.

I also think most abuse has some kind of brainwashing. Like telling the kid it's ok and normal or convincing them not to tell.

I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between torture and physical abuse. I was thinking torture is hurting someone on purpose because it gives you pleasure, but then that seems like I'm saying physical abuse just happens by accident.

My uncle was pretty psycho. He smashed my hand with a wrench a couple of days before I was due to fight and he laughed and said it would be fun to watch me try and fight one handed. That's really an example of his stupidness. He was my coach and if I fought badly it would reflect on him. He liked to strangle me, burned me, tried to drown me, put me in impossible situations where I was always wrong whatever I said. He would be calm or laughing one minute then turn on me the next. That's what was most torture about it. Never knowing when he was going to snap. Later there was sexual stuff, which to me was far more scary than the physical stuff, which I thought I could handle. He abused his dog in front of me, which was also very scary. Eventually he hurt me too badly for me to hide it, which is how people found out. And how I ended up here. I haven't really worked on any of this in therapy yet because other stuff seemed more important. I'm thinking it might not be so hard when I do get round to it, it's not so tangled up in guilt and blame and other complicated feelings.

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#463474 - 03/31/14 10:57 AM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
TXB,
You have a head start by talking about it here. For most of us, it took probably near a year before our therapists could get us to open up and talk about it. You're making some smart and healthy choices in facing it and talking about it. When you do get into therapy, you'll be able to help your therapist help you more effectively.

You made a good point. I'm wondering if there are separate clinical categories for "torture" and "physical abuse." It would seem that spanking, slapping, striking, or beating a child would be considered physical abuse, and that torture would involve the act of intentionally harming someone for one's own pleasure.

Your uncle sounds similar to my father. Something's not wired right in those minds. I'm sorry you had him in your life.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#463485 - 03/31/14 01:27 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 997
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I know I was suffocated with a pillow in anger and hatred. I know I was strangled with hands over my mouth and nose. I know I was strangled with hands around my throat. I know my father, sadistic bastard that he is, delighted in finding ways to hurt me that left no marks. Neural pressure points, thumping my head, dragging me by my ear. I know I was beaten with magazines and newspapers on my head and ears in very early childhood. Ironically, it feels to me the damage done by the newspapers and magazines is much, much more damaging to me than more physically painful torture. It was the magazines and newspapers that caused my self to totally splinter and hide. I am only now, at 64 reclaiming it.

For me, torture is not an external definition, or a term that lends itself to a clinical explanation that is particularly important to me. Torture is what I feel it is for me. And, I respect every person's definition of what torture means to them. It is not something that feels comparative to me. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463487 - 03/31/14 03:05 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Oh, man, Don, your childhood sounds similar to mine. You've got me thinking, maybe torture and physical abuse are nearly synonymous?

It's been a difficult challenge in therapy to determine which symptom comes from the sexual assault and which comes from the other forms of abuse. My father inflicted them all. It becomes complex at times, with so many layers of triggers and symptoms. They are intertwined and when one is treated, it triggers another.

Do you guys find that too?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#463508 - 03/31/14 11:34 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 997
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
For me, the word that works for me is traumatized. I was severely traumatized. Some of the trauma was as a result of physical abuse, and some of the physical abuse was sexual. Some of the physical abuse was painful, and some of the physical abuse was not so painful. The massive damage that was done was to any sense that I could be safe anywhere in the world. My caregivers intentionally inflicted pain on me. My caregivers consciously and intentionally hurt me. My caregivers intentionally sent energy of hatred to me.

The damage to any possibility of an intact self, the twisted forms my immature self conjured in an effort to remain psychically intact assured that all I could do was to recreate the scene of the crime in every aspect of my life. Dependent aggressive with people and situations where I was not seen or valued.

In other words, very, very sick. The healthier I become, the more I understand how damaged I am. Also, the healthier I become, the more optimistic I become. I figure that regardless what has happened to me, I will always have limits. What I care about these days is learning what my limits are and learn to take REALLY good care of myself. I'm only interested in attracting people to me who can see me and value me.

With safety as my primary issue, protecting myself has always been my only goal. So, yes, Keith, I lived most of my life in a conscious state of being triggered. Now in my 60's I am finally being able to see myself honestly and am becoming clear enough and strong enough to walk through my fears and make choices that keep me safe. It is new behavior, and I am so grateful for it. My healing is substantially due to the constant sense of family I feel with other survivors. Being with other survivors makes me feel accepted, warts and all. And, with the feelings of acceptance I come to finally accept and love myself.

Keith, I am so sorry you had to endure anything like what I went through with my father.

Don



Edited by don64 (03/31/14 11:40 PM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463509 - 03/31/14 11:42 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Thanks, Don, it really really helps to read the words of others who have been through it. It is encouraging and helpful to have a support group here who knows what its like. The sexual assaults were only one of several forms of abuse.

This thread is exactly what I needed just now.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#463511 - 04/01/14 12:11 AM Re: TXB [Re: WriterKeith]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3739
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
It's been a difficult challenge in therapy to determine which symptom comes from the sexual assault and which comes from the other forms of abuse. My father inflicted them all. It becomes complex at times, with so many layers of triggers and symptoms. They are intertwined and when one is treated, it triggers another.

Do you guys find that too?

Yes. I have often said that I have a hard time separating one form of abuse (especially from the step-dad) from another. The verbal abuse was also emotional abuse and often sexual in certain aspects as well. And the physical abuse also seemed to have sexual overtones as often as not. It was rarely sexual abuse withot verbal, emotional and physical elements added to complicate it. I gave up trying to distinguish the various types of abuse and see it all as various aspects of the same assault upon my soul or personhood or sense of self.


Edited by traveler (04/01/14 12:29 AM)
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


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#463525 - 04/01/14 06:52 AM Re: TXB [Re: traveler]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Yes I do find the same complex consequences due to the combinations of violent physical abuse, sex abuse and emotional psychological abuses. I have yet to find professional help to sort it out although there is literature explaining what is called " complex PTSD ". I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having this. With me it was my foster mother who was the most violent. There was also this sexual component to her attacks on my person. I have experienced a great deal of confusion and anxiety trying to establish my personal identity which never had a chance to develop.
Thanks for bringing this topic for discussion Keith.
Sentry

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#463543 - 04/01/14 06:41 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
You guys have down right scary stories. I don't know if I would have survived it.

I was only beaten, thrown at me, threatened, and screamed at. I have never thought about it.

It was what drove me to my abuser. He was safe, and loved me. In his own strange way that felt better than a belt or a back hand.

Not torture. Not like some of you. I won't play like what I had was anything other than mean ass drunks for parents.

I am sorry you guys went thru that.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#467366 - 07/07/14 11:10 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I think some of this needs to be repeated.

Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Puffer, your story both hurts and helps to read. Those pictures....I look at them and wonder who on earth could look at that boy and want to hurt him? I think the same when I see a photo of myself as a boy. I guess the answer is, "a sick monster would."


I found a quotation in a reputable book about this*. It is talking about torture as used in interrogation. I think that what I endured was possibly explained in terms of perfecting techniques which could be applied to interrogation.

Originally Posted By: Alfred W. McCoy page 9

Victims often need extensive treatment to recover from injury far more crippling than mere physical pain. Perpetrators can suffer a dangerous expansion of ego, leading to escalating cruelty and lasting emotional disorders. Though any ordinary man or woman can be trained to torture, every gulag has a few masters who take to the task with sadistic flair -- abhorred by their victims and valued by their superiors.


I'm not sure whether the lasting emotional disorders referred to here are those of the perpetrator or the victim.

He goes on...
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Applied under the pressure of actual field operations after 1963, psychological methods soon gave way to unimaginable cruelties, physical and sexual, by individual perpetrators whose improvisations, plumbing the human capacity for brutality, are often horrifying.


More:
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Why, one might ask, is psychological torture so devastating, inflicting harm that is often more lasting than even the most brutal form of physical abuse?
...
victims suffer "a mistrust bordering on paranoia, and a loss of interest that greatly surpasses anything observed in anxiety disorders."
...
The subject...remains a tired human being, relatively uninterested and unable to concentrate.


I don't think that in my case I demonstrate all of these symptoms. I went on to graduate from college and graduate school and a teaching career. It may be that I achieved this in spite of what happened. After I "remembered" what happened there, I really did lose focus. I've been like that for about 30 years. There was another major incident of abuse by those perpetrators. I haven't reported on it in any detail here. I'm still trying to figure it out.

*Alfred W. McCoy, A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, from the Cold War to the War on Terror.

http://www.amazon.com/Question-Torture-Interrogation-Cold-Terror/dp/0805080414/

Alfred W. McCoy is a history professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The book cited contains extensive references and notes, amounting to 68 pages.

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (07/08/14 11:08 AM)

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#467369 - 07/08/14 02:36 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 337
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I've been unable to talk about "that" for the last 44 years, my T knows about the sexual abuse, I've alluded to him about "that" but have never been able to verbalize it, I know that I need to talk about it to someone but it's so sick, I've been unable to go there.
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#467370 - 07/08/14 02:53 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 409
The gates to hell are always open for those who seek to inflict harm of others, you never quite forget the look in someones eye when they get pleasure from harming you physically, if you need any help or care to share what effect it is having on you now, we are here for you. Children need our protection, that's all my grief ridden soul can attest to whenever i read about atrocities that place daily in this world. May god watch over our mortal souls.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#467376 - 07/08/14 05:21 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 997
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
My suspicion is people who are harming others is an effect of them already being in their own personal hell as a result of being twisted themselves, from harm by someone else. My father enjoyed hurting me. He had a very sadistic smile on his face at times, hoping I would do something to provoke him, and justifying his assaulting me. Spooky.

For me, my task is to release my own old rage, hatred, resentment, and make a way for me to feel love and send love into the world. Just as water is the universal solvent, I feel love is the universal healer.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#467377 - 07/08/14 05:31 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 997
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Tbkkfile,

At 65 there is still much that is hidden from me. And, I realize some of the sickness of my mother towards me sexually and physically in infancy and early childhood involves intentionally inflicting great pain. For me, there seems to be automatic governors which manage what I can remember and when, when it's ok to get an intellectual glimpse of hidden information and when it's ok to begin to fill in the picture a little more. I have a lot more intellectual glimpses than I have emotional connections, feeling connections.

Sending you love and support for managing your own unique horrors. All I can say is I believe they are real, and that you will have your own personal time table for all this. I do, however, send you some extra support with all this, as I know for myself the damage I have sustained cannot be forced on any timetable except one that keeps me psychically safe. It's hell on my body as long as that poison is still in my body, BUT I do move it out as I am ABLE to move it out. And, I seem to stay ahead of irreversible consequences. So love and good will to us all.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467383 - 07/08/14 11:04 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: don64]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
There seems little doubt that my abuser when I was 12 was sociopathic (without conscience). He would do stuff to me as I describe in pufferfish story part 5, and it was as though it was fun for him. He didn't have the ability to identify with my pain. He might as well have been driving a nail into a board. Although it was more than work to him. He came at it with alacrity. He had a purposefulness and zest in torturing me.

McCoy describes these people in the CIA:
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Why, one might ask, is psychological torture so devastating, inflicting harm that is often more lasting than even the most brutal form of physical abuse?
.....
Victims often need extensive treatment to recover from injury far more crippling than mere physical pain. Perpetrators can suffer a dangerous expansion of ego, leading to escalating cruelty and lasting emotional disorders. Though any ordinary man or woman can be trained to torture, every gulag has a few masters who take to the task with sadistic flair -- abhorred by their victims and valued by their superiors.


Then the likelihood was that the team who worked on me at age 13 was pretty sociopathic. I'm going to add more to this after a little while (Right now I'm in the midst of securing 3rd party documentation as to what was done).
I think that what was done was that a genius but highly presumptive Dr. Delgado tried to rewire my brain so that I could be a nicer boy. He failed. I couldn't talk for over 3 years and I became a much more depressed and socially isolated boy. So did he try his best? Read the interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nGAr2OkVqE

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jos%C3%A9_Manuel_Rodriguez_Delgado

http://childabuserecovery.com/history-of-cia-mind-control-experimentation

http://www.cabinetmagazine.org/issues/2/psychcivilization.php

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2010/11/29/ci...cting-soldiers/

What do you think? I think it was evil.

I'm reading a couple of books by abused individuals. Their abusers are frankly listed as sociopathic.

Carol Rutz discusses in her book, A Nation Betrayed, that her main abuser Dr. Black, was sociopathic. She lists several others.

In the book Unshackled: A Survivor's Story of Mind Control, Kathleen Sullivan experienced torture by her father many times. She frankly states that he was sociopathic. He didn't have the capacity to feel her pain.

Puffer


Edited by pufferfish (07/09/14 12:12 AM)

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#467390 - 07/08/14 01:44 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
tomboulder Offline


Registered: 05/29/14
Posts: 8
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
My torture was being burned with cigarettes to keep me quiet about the sexual abuse. My T and I think that is why I cannot stop smoking, even after 50 years, because now I'm in control of the cigarette. I'm still hoping that one day I can give up smoking.
_________________________
"Some people are oh so smart, and others are oh so pleasant. I much prefer the latter." (paraphrasing Elwood P. Dowd from Harvey)

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#467451 - 07/10/14 04:36 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
roninsteve Offline


Registered: 10/14/08
Posts: 16
Loc: Victoria Australia
My Therapist labeled what was happening as torture and I initially disregarded it.
She also pointed out that what they were doing was rape not just bullying as I was labeling it.
I found that I could shut of a lot of the pain and my body was hardening against it. Even the pain from the rapes became less. But no mater what I did I couldn't reduce the emotional abuse. The fear they installed would just eat at me and the hatred that they spewed. I knew I deserved what they were doing and I knew it was all my fault. The logic was simple. If it wasn't my fault then someone would have stepped in for me but no one did. It hurt even more because I was just too stupid to see what I was doing wrong. I know different now but it is still hard to believe that I did nothing wrong and I am always looking.

I once read something which said that torture was the Sanctioned infliction of severe pain (Physical, mental or psychological) for gain (information, confession or pleasure) In My case. Teachers knew enough, my parents knew enough, the youth leaders knew enough. None of them lifted a finger to stop it so I believe that what my abusers did, they did with the acknowledgement and approval of society. AS for the acts themselves.There is no difference between abuse and torture. All of us her have some form of acute injury as a direct result.

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#467739 - 07/18/14 12:41 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Roninsteve,

I just want to bump this up on the forum list because what you've said is so important and so well stated.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#467745 - 07/18/14 03:39 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 337
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
.


Edited by tbkkfile (10/24/14 03:59 AM)
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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