Newest Members
LinEar, Matt W, Scott S., beach_boy, oxycodizzlez
12713 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
baldrocker (45), Dolphinboy (52), drmrboy1974 (41), h vd peppel (60), rcm (2015), Scott Abraham (63)
Who's Online
4 registered (highflight, GoodKiwi, bluesky, 1 invisible), 20 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12713 Members
75 Forums
65374 Topics
457185 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#463511 - 04/01/14 12:11 AM Re: TXB [Re: WriterKeith]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3711
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
It's been a difficult challenge in therapy to determine which symptom comes from the sexual assault and which comes from the other forms of abuse. My father inflicted them all. It becomes complex at times, with so many layers of triggers and symptoms. They are intertwined and when one is treated, it triggers another.

Do you guys find that too?

Yes. I have often said that I have a hard time separating one form of abuse (especially from the step-dad) from another. The verbal abuse was also emotional abuse and often sexual in certain aspects as well. And the physical abuse also seemed to have sexual overtones as often as not. It was rarely sexual abuse withot verbal, emotional and physical elements added to complicate it. I gave up trying to distinguish the various types of abuse and see it all as various aspects of the same assault upon my soul or personhood or sense of self.


Edited by traveler (04/01/14 12:29 AM)
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


Top
#463525 - 04/01/14 06:52 AM Re: TXB [Re: traveler]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Yes I do find the same complex consequences due to the combinations of violent physical abuse, sex abuse and emotional psychological abuses. I have yet to find professional help to sort it out although there is literature explaining what is called " complex PTSD ". I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having this. With me it was my foster mother who was the most violent. There was also this sexual component to her attacks on my person. I have experienced a great deal of confusion and anxiety trying to establish my personal identity which never had a chance to develop.
Thanks for bringing this topic for discussion Keith.
Sentry

Top
#463543 - 04/01/14 06:41 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
You guys have down right scary stories. I don't know if I would have survived it.

I was only beaten, thrown at me, threatened, and screamed at. I have never thought about it.

It was what drove me to my abuser. He was safe, and loved me. In his own strange way that felt better than a belt or a back hand.

Not torture. Not like some of you. I won't play like what I had was anything other than mean ass drunks for parents.

I am sorry you guys went thru that.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#467366 - 07/07/14 11:10 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I think some of this needs to be repeated.

Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Puffer, your story both hurts and helps to read. Those pictures....I look at them and wonder who on earth could look at that boy and want to hurt him? I think the same when I see a photo of myself as a boy. I guess the answer is, "a sick monster would."


I found a quotation in a reputable book about this*. It is talking about torture as used in interrogation. I think that what I endured was possibly explained in terms of perfecting techniques which could be applied to interrogation.

Originally Posted By: Alfred W. McCoy page 9

Victims often need extensive treatment to recover from injury far more crippling than mere physical pain. Perpetrators can suffer a dangerous expansion of ego, leading to escalating cruelty and lasting emotional disorders. Though any ordinary man or woman can be trained to torture, every gulag has a few masters who take to the task with sadistic flair -- abhorred by their victims and valued by their superiors.


I'm not sure whether the lasting emotional disorders referred to here are those of the perpetrator or the victim.

He goes on...
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Applied under the pressure of actual field operations after 1963, psychological methods soon gave way to unimaginable cruelties, physical and sexual, by individual perpetrators whose improvisations, plumbing the human capacity for brutality, are often horrifying.


More:
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Why, one might ask, is psychological torture so devastating, inflicting harm that is often more lasting than even the most brutal form of physical abuse?
...
victims suffer "a mistrust bordering on paranoia, and a loss of interest that greatly surpasses anything observed in anxiety disorders."
...
The subject...remains a tired human being, relatively uninterested and unable to concentrate.


I don't think that in my case I demonstrate all of these symptoms. I went on to graduate from college and graduate school and a teaching career. It may be that I achieved this in spite of what happened. After I "remembered" what happened there, I really did lose focus. I've been like that for about 30 years. There was another major incident of abuse by those perpetrators. I haven't reported on it in any detail here. I'm still trying to figure it out.

*Alfred W. McCoy, A Question of Torture: CIA Interrogation, from the Cold War to the War on Terror.

http://www.amazon.com/Question-Torture-Interrogation-Cold-Terror/dp/0805080414/

Alfred W. McCoy is a history professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The book cited contains extensive references and notes, amounting to 68 pages.

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (07/08/14 11:08 AM)

Top
#467369 - 07/08/14 02:36 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 335
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I've been unable to talk about "that" for the last 44 years, my T knows about the sexual abuse, I've alluded to him about "that" but have never been able to verbalize it, I know that I need to talk about it to someone but it's so sick, I've been unable to go there.
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

Top
#467370 - 07/08/14 02:53 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 375
The gates to hell are always open for those who seek to inflict harm of others, you never quite forget the look in someones eye when they get pleasure from harming you physically, if you need any help or care to share what effect it is having on you now, we are here for you. Children need our protection, that's all my grief ridden soul can attest to whenever i read about atrocities that place daily in this world. May god watch over our mortal souls.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#467376 - 07/08/14 05:21 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 968
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
My suspicion is people who are harming others is an effect of them already being in their own personal hell as a result of being twisted themselves, from harm by someone else. My father enjoyed hurting me. He had a very sadistic smile on his face at times, hoping I would do something to provoke him, and justifying his assaulting me. Spooky.

For me, my task is to release my own old rage, hatred, resentment, and make a way for me to feel love and send love into the world. Just as water is the universal solvent, I feel love is the universal healer.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467377 - 07/08/14 05:31 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 968
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Tbkkfile,

At 65 there is still much that is hidden from me. And, I realize some of the sickness of my mother towards me sexually and physically in infancy and early childhood involves intentionally inflicting great pain. For me, there seems to be automatic governors which manage what I can remember and when, when it's ok to get an intellectual glimpse of hidden information and when it's ok to begin to fill in the picture a little more. I have a lot more intellectual glimpses than I have emotional connections, feeling connections.

Sending you love and support for managing your own unique horrors. All I can say is I believe they are real, and that you will have your own personal time table for all this. I do, however, send you some extra support with all this, as I know for myself the damage I have sustained cannot be forced on any timetable except one that keeps me psychically safe. It's hell on my body as long as that poison is still in my body, BUT I do move it out as I am ABLE to move it out. And, I seem to stay ahead of irreversible consequences. So love and good will to us all.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#467383 - 07/08/14 11:04 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: don64]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
There seems little doubt that my abuser when I was 12 was sociopathic (without conscience). He would do stuff to me as I describe in pufferfish story part 5, and it was as though it was fun for him. He didn't have the ability to identify with my pain. He might as well have been driving a nail into a board. Although it was more than work to him. He came at it with alacrity. He had a purposefulness and zest in torturing me.

McCoy describes these people in the CIA:
Originally Posted By: McCoy page 9

Why, one might ask, is psychological torture so devastating, inflicting harm that is often more lasting than even the most brutal form of physical abuse?
.....
Victims often need extensive treatment to recover from injury far more crippling than mere physical pain. Perpetrators can suffer a dangerous expansion of ego, leading to escalating cruelty and lasting emotional disorders. Though any ordinary man or woman can be trained to torture, every gulag has a few masters who take to the task with sadistic flair -- abhorred by their victims and valued by their superiors.


Then the likelihood was that the team who worked on me at age 13 was pretty sociopathic. I'm going to add more to this after a little while (Right now I'm in the midst of securing 3rd party documentation as to what was done).
I think that what was done was that a genius but highly presumptive Dr. Delgado tried to rewire my brain so that I could be a nicer boy. He failed. I couldn't talk for over 3 years and I became a much more depressed and socially isolated boy. So did he try his best? Read the interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nGAr2OkVqE

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jos%C3%A9_Manuel_Rodriguez_Delgado

http://childabuserecovery.com/history-of-cia-mind-control-experimentation

http://www.cabinetmagazine.org/issues/2/psychcivilization.php

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2010/11/29/ci...cting-soldiers/

What do you think? I think it was evil.

I'm reading a couple of books by abused individuals. Their abusers are frankly listed as sociopathic.

Carol Rutz discusses in her book, A Nation Betrayed, that her main abuser Dr. Black, was sociopathic. She lists several others.

In the book Unshackled: A Survivor's Story of Mind Control, Kathleen Sullivan experienced torture by her father many times. She frankly states that he was sociopathic. He didn't have the capacity to feel her pain.

Puffer


Edited by pufferfish (07/09/14 12:12 AM)

Top
#467390 - 07/08/14 01:44 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
tomboulder Offline


Registered: 05/29/14
Posts: 8
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
My torture was being burned with cigarettes to keep me quiet about the sexual abuse. My T and I think that is why I cannot stop smoking, even after 50 years, because now I'm in control of the cigarette. I'm still hoping that one day I can give up smoking.
_________________________
"Some people are oh so smart, and others are oh so pleasant. I much prefer the latter." (paraphrasing Elwood P. Dowd from Harvey)

Top
Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.