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#463230 - 03/26/14 07:19 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1032
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
For me it has to do with conscious intention as opposed to impulsively striking out. In other words, consciously intending to cause me pain, and communicating clearly energy of hatred. Know that from both my parents. Very early.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463236 - 03/26/14 09:15 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 195
Yes
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I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

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#463321 - 03/28/14 12:42 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 302
There are a lot of ways of being tortured. I consider emotional torture as very real. I have also been a victim of all the other stuff you mentioned. your question is a good one but very broad based. I speak to most of them in my blog. It made for a hard life. but it does get better. feel free to read my blog. Based on your question i know you will relate.

stay strong.

rich
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Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463342 - 03/28/14 08:00 PM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
There are layers upon layers to deal with, I suppose mostly because of PTSD. From what I've learned, it seems it does make a difference in treatment when sexual assault is coupled with any type of torture, but as far as this community is concerned, there really is no "worse than" or "not as bad as."
It only takes one assault for the brain to rewire itself and produce intense symptoms in the aftermath of a sexual violation.
Do you guys agree? Maybe not?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463454 - 03/31/14 05:26 AM Re: Were any of you tortured? Trigger warning [Re: WriterKeith]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 291
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
There are layers upon layers to deal with, I suppose mostly because of PTSD. From what I've learned, it seems it does make a difference in treatment when sexual assault is coupled with any type of torture, but as far as this community is concerned, there really is no "worse than" or "not as bad as."
It only takes one assault for the brain to rewire itself and produce intense symptoms in the aftermath of a sexual violation.
Do you guys agree? Maybe not?


I agree with that.

I also think most abuse has some kind of brainwashing. Like telling the kid it's ok and normal or convincing them not to tell.

I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between torture and physical abuse. I was thinking torture is hurting someone on purpose because it gives you pleasure, but then that seems like I'm saying physical abuse just happens by accident.

My uncle was pretty psycho. He smashed my hand with a wrench a couple of days before I was due to fight and he laughed and said it would be fun to watch me try and fight one handed. That's really an example of his stupidness. He was my coach and if I fought badly it would reflect on him. He liked to strangle me, burned me, tried to drown me, put me in impossible situations where I was always wrong whatever I said. He would be calm or laughing one minute then turn on me the next. That's what was most torture about it. Never knowing when he was going to snap. Later there was sexual stuff, which to me was far more scary than the physical stuff, which I thought I could handle. He abused his dog in front of me, which was also very scary. Eventually he hurt me too badly for me to hide it, which is how people found out. And how I ended up here. I haven't really worked on any of this in therapy yet because other stuff seemed more important. I'm thinking it might not be so hard when I do get round to it, it's not so tangled up in guilt and blame and other complicated feelings.

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#463474 - 03/31/14 10:57 AM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
TXB,
You have a head start by talking about it here. For most of us, it took probably near a year before our therapists could get us to open up and talk about it. You're making some smart and healthy choices in facing it and talking about it. When you do get into therapy, you'll be able to help your therapist help you more effectively.

You made a good point. I'm wondering if there are separate clinical categories for "torture" and "physical abuse." It would seem that spanking, slapping, striking, or beating a child would be considered physical abuse, and that torture would involve the act of intentionally harming someone for one's own pleasure.

Your uncle sounds similar to my father. Something's not wired right in those minds. I'm sorry you had him in your life.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463485 - 03/31/14 01:27 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1032
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I know I was suffocated with a pillow in anger and hatred. I know I was strangled with hands over my mouth and nose. I know I was strangled with hands around my throat. I know my father, sadistic bastard that he is, delighted in finding ways to hurt me that left no marks. Neural pressure points, thumping my head, dragging me by my ear. I know I was beaten with magazines and newspapers on my head and ears in very early childhood. Ironically, it feels to me the damage done by the newspapers and magazines is much, much more damaging to me than more physically painful torture. It was the magazines and newspapers that caused my self to totally splinter and hide. I am only now, at 64 reclaiming it.

For me, torture is not an external definition, or a term that lends itself to a clinical explanation that is particularly important to me. Torture is what I feel it is for me. And, I respect every person's definition of what torture means to them. It is not something that feels comparative to me. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463487 - 03/31/14 03:05 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Oh, man, Don, your childhood sounds similar to mine. You've got me thinking, maybe torture and physical abuse are nearly synonymous?

It's been a difficult challenge in therapy to determine which symptom comes from the sexual assault and which comes from the other forms of abuse. My father inflicted them all. It becomes complex at times, with so many layers of triggers and symptoms. They are intertwined and when one is treated, it triggers another.

Do you guys find that too?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463508 - 03/31/14 11:34 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1032
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
For me, the word that works for me is traumatized. I was severely traumatized. Some of the trauma was as a result of physical abuse, and some of the physical abuse was sexual. Some of the physical abuse was painful, and some of the physical abuse was not so painful. The massive damage that was done was to any sense that I could be safe anywhere in the world. My caregivers intentionally inflicted pain on me. My caregivers consciously and intentionally hurt me. My caregivers intentionally sent energy of hatred to me.

The damage to any possibility of an intact self, the twisted forms my immature self conjured in an effort to remain psychically intact assured that all I could do was to recreate the scene of the crime in every aspect of my life. Dependent aggressive with people and situations where I was not seen or valued.

In other words, very, very sick. The healthier I become, the more I understand how damaged I am. Also, the healthier I become, the more optimistic I become. I figure that regardless what has happened to me, I will always have limits. What I care about these days is learning what my limits are and learn to take REALLY good care of myself. I'm only interested in attracting people to me who can see me and value me.

With safety as my primary issue, protecting myself has always been my only goal. So, yes, Keith, I lived most of my life in a conscious state of being triggered. Now in my 60's I am finally being able to see myself honestly and am becoming clear enough and strong enough to walk through my fears and make choices that keep me safe. It is new behavior, and I am so grateful for it. My healing is substantially due to the constant sense of family I feel with other survivors. Being with other survivors makes me feel accepted, warts and all. And, with the feelings of acceptance I come to finally accept and love myself.

Keith, I am so sorry you had to endure anything like what I went through with my father.

Don



Edited by don64 (03/31/14 11:40 PM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463509 - 03/31/14 11:42 PM Re: TXB [Re: PerseveringDaily]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 975
Loc: southern California
Thanks, Don, it really really helps to read the words of others who have been through it. It is encouraging and helpful to have a support group here who knows what its like. The sexual assaults were only one of several forms of abuse.

This thread is exactly what I needed just now.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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