You are very kind. I don't want to distract from sadclown's thread because I was only trying to say how I handle my past and make my past current. But I heard what you have said also from Dr.Gartner, my shrink, my EMDR T and from many friends like you. You are correct on each of the things you say but.....
I think that if I wasn't gay I wouldn't have been so easily dragged into the life I lived for 10 years, and at 14 I did the most horrendous things to others as was done to me. Yes, I was only the tool like everyone has told me. But even the tool has feelings and the tool knows what he has done and how that tool has brought great pain to others. Even though the tool had endured horrible beatings, great pain and even threatened with death those animals also beat and threatened death to those that I was to rape. I didn't care if I died because inside I was already dead, I just couldn't let them hurt someone because of me. So now I must live with what I have done even though I was only the tool.
As for those animals using someone else is not really relevant because they used me and not someone else. Besides I know there were other kids in my position.
One day I will attain that peace that I seek, I just hope it will come sooner rather than later.
Thanks so much Lee
Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Stick around, It will get better....