I donít know why I want to talk about this. Itís just a random not-all-that-terrible thing that happened to me. For some reason I have been thinking about it for a few weeks now. Iím not sure why. It just pisses me off.
(This might be triggering.)
When I was 13 I went into the city by myself. To a comic book shop. Not that that is important. At the train station on the way home this guy bumped into me. He was holding me by the shoulder, just looking at me and smiling, as if he was waiting for me to say something. It was awkward and to get rid of him I just said I was sorry. Even though it was completely his fault. He said thatís ok, and let me go.
I got on the train and never expected to see him again, but he ended up standing right behind me.
It wouldnít have been hard for me to get someoneís attention. Or do something. But itís not like Iím beating myself up about that.
It might not have been so bad if he had said nothing while he did stuff. Once people say things to you, you canít really unhear them again. They are stuck in your brain forever.
He got off the train at the first stop, which was my stop. I was too freaked out to get off, so I stayed on for 2 more stops then called my dad, pretending I got on the wrong train.
Itís not the worst thing that happened to me, but it really pisses me off because it wasnít an accident.
He woke up that morning and decided he was going to go out and do this.
He might have been hanging around the station looking for someone. Or maybe he already picked me out and had been following me since the comic book shop. Maybe I was too young to be walking around the city on my own? But so what? I should be able to go wherever I want.
Iím almost 100% sure he came from behind me, got in front of me and turned so he would deliberately bump into me. Like he was checking my reaction to see how submissive Iíd be or something.
Who does this kind of stuff though??? It bothers me so much thinking about it. Everything else that happened to me is kind of complicated. But in this I was minding my own business and someone just decided to do whatever they wanted to me, and not even care about what I wanted. This is not my purpose.
I remember pretty clearly what he looked like. He was wearing jeans and a denim jacket. He wasnít very tall, average build, kind of 80s hair. He was probably somewhere between 25-35. He reminded me of a computing teacher we had at school who was younger than the other teachers, didnít dress like a teacher and all the girls all liked him. As this was happening I was thinking about that, how it wouldnít have been hard for him to find a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. That he didnít look like an evil monster, or someone who was desperate that they had no choice. I know how someone looks means nothing, but thatís just what I was thinking at the time, like wondering why he needed to do this.
I didnít tell anyone. So this guy is probably still going around doing this.
Thereís this girl I made friends with when I was in hospital. She told me that stuff happened to her in the same city. Twice. Both times with random strangers. This is the capital city of the country I live in. Itís always full of tons of tourists admiring the medieval architecture. And also it seems, full of pervs who are searching for lone kids to assault.
That was kind of longer than I meant it to be. Havenít been in therapy for 2 weeks now. My throat hurts and everything is just overly triggering lately.