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#463071 - 03/24/14 08:39 AM My Dark Passenger
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Hello,

Just introducing myself. I was amazed reading through this forum and it has already strengthened my resolve to continue to take control of my life back.

After 42 years of silence I finally gave video testimony to Police last week regarding a teacher in 1971. I was blown away by that experience. A lot of pent up emotion.

I had kept this to myself until my Mother passed a couple of years ago and shared it with my brother. I could not let my Mother share in this pain, it would have killed her.

It has been difficult to learn that this person assaulted other young boys in the intervening decades. We know of at least two others but as I am learning there are likely many more. I am still sorting through guilt feelings for that.

Now I wait to hear from Police to see if he is dead or alive. And then I may be confronting this person for the first time in decades. Lots of unknowns but I do know this- I am now in control of the "Dark Passenger" that has haunted me and that has to be for the better.

Thanks.

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#463072 - 03/24/14 09:34 AM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
welcome, zip14!

you did a courageous act in reporting - and another in joining us on MS and introducing yourself.

this is a good place for understanding, support, learning, encouragement and sharing. most of all - breaking the silence and not being alone.

may you find what you seek here.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#463080 - 03/24/14 01:11 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1399
Welcome, Zip -

Are you limited by any statute of limitations? Is this something you can still pursue legally?

Eirik

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#463083 - 03/24/14 01:37 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
In Ontario Canada there is no statute of limitations on sexual assault in the criminal courts OR civil where fiduciary duties exist in a student/teacher relationship. I have since learned that the individual continued to teach and was charged in the 80's and then again in the 90's where he was convicted for sexually assaulting a 10 year old boy. His teaching license was revoked as a result (30 years after his assault on me). His light sentence for this of 6 months and 2 years probation seems ridiculous to me.

With a conviction for his assault on me the Judge will be able to consider the previous conviction and he should get at least 2 years and possibly be named a long term offender. This would see him under 10 years supervision following release from prison.

The Police asked me how long his assault on me lasted. I was stunned and couldn't find an answer until I blurted out - 42 years! It is strange how pedophiles are treated so lightly in sentencing. I believe this is something that must be addressed here in Canada.

We just don't know how many other victims are out there and that will be something the police will look to find out with the issuance of a press release following his arrest. This is all predicated on him still being alive. He would be 65 at this time so we are hoping that he is found and that he will not be able to harm anyone else - ever again.




Edited by zip14 (03/24/14 02:13 PM)

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#463202 - 03/26/14 09:36 AM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey Zip,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for you to have arrived here at MS.

You have taken two incredibly brave steps in breaking your own silence, and in reporting the perp who chose to harm you.

Good on you for taking the brave step of reporting your abuse, but I would caution you in placing any potential for healing in the legal system.
As you have seen from the perp's previous conviction. Thus far the courts are slow to acknowledge the immense harm done in the perpetration of these attacks.

Felt I needed to add that, the guilt you are feeling does not belong to you, it belongs solely with the perpetrator of those crimes.
Us survivors tend to want to assume responsibility, it is a mental construct to establish a sense of control over a point in time we had no control over.

Also just a tip, as I am going through this process myself now, being from Ontario, Canada, there is a Compensation Fund available to victims of violent crime through the "Criminal Injuries Compensation Board". I cannot tell you what the end result is monetarily, as I have not reached that stage yet, but my hope is that it will cover my ongoing therapy, the same could be true for you.

Welcome and keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#463206 - 03/26/14 11:14 AM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Thanks for that and the welcome. Therapy seems like it would be very difficult to me. I thought coming forward was going to give me some control but if anything I am feeling a bit out of control.

I have only ever told the Police about what happened to me in detail and that was brutal. I don't know that therapy is something I would consider doable. Both Police agencies I am working with have suggested it but things are just too raw right now. I can't see myself functioning day to day while in therapy.

I have to take it one step at a time. First, we need the 'perp' found and arrested. Then I can think about step two, whatever that is.

Thanks.

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#463214 - 03/26/14 01:12 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1399
While we are no substitute for therapy, lean on us anyway. My abuse was in New York State, and the statute of limitations for me has expired. But I at least get to enjoy some vicarious justice through you.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463218 - 03/26/14 02:20 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey zip
I want to just affirm your strength in finding your voice. That is a beginning of finding a level of victory over this. it is true that seeking therapy is hard ... it is the hardest thing I have done to date I also waited a lot of wears to tell. if your experience is like mine. the demons just kept coming back I might find a way to have peace for a time but it ALWAYS came back. the Idea of therapy is to find a way to silence the pain for good. i have learned an incredible amount about myself, about the results of abuse, and about the brotherhood of survivors here on MS. in time as you are ready I hope that you will offer yourself that chance. you are totally worth it.
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#463249 - 03/26/14 10:46 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1564
Loc: New England
Welcome Zip,

You've already taken some huge steps in recovery by reporting, and joining a group like this. I think its fair to say that for most of us, therapy has been a big part of our recovery, despite the short term emotional turmoil it may cause. This baggage has to be dealt with and theres no denying that it will hurt.

BTW, there are many of us here who waited till middle age to start to deal with what was done to us as boys. It was 42 years of silence for me too.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#463280 - 03/27/14 04:30 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Erik,
I am unsure if justice can be had but if it helps others to see someone held to account I am truly glad.

Jeff,
Demons come in the night and break up sleep just as that demon did. Thank God for Melatonin. Thanks.

Jude,
I silenced the pain by storing it in a box on a shelf. It also helped to stay as busy as possible(working at times to the point of being counter productive) and drinking as needed. Throw in a little self harm in my tween years and you lose 42 years of your life pretty damn fast don't you.

Thanks guys and to the others. I have learned a great deal already here. Even expanded my vocabulary with words like Triggers and Normals!

Peace to you all.
Zip

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#463286 - 03/27/14 07:40 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1717
Zip14,

Thank you for sharing. I am proud of your courage to go to the police and report the abuse. I can understand your feelings for others that were abused after your abuse--not to know others were hurt would be easier but learning of others makes the silence kept more difficult to accept. But you must remember you were a child and someone said to me, there were others before me and your mind was that of a 10/11 year old child. When told what to do, you did. It was how children were taught to behave and respond to people you were expected to respect. The abuser grooms us into silence--but when young we do not understand why or how we fell under their control.

Breaking the silence helps to free us and we must remember our silence was not our silence but the silence inflicted on us.

Your strength is evident and thank you for telling your story. Remember you have support and if you need it, we are here. I am in awe of your courage. I wish in the US our laws did not have a statute of limitation for these crimes.

Kevin

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#463288 - 03/27/14 07:59 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 736
Loc: Southeast USA
zip14,

I hope you find some peace as this unfolds. Yes, please use all available resources-including those of us on MS.

As a side note, I often referred not to a "Dark Passenger," but a "dark hand on my shoulder." I know what you mean.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#463381 - 03/29/14 05:50 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: Suwanee]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
The Dark Passenger is something I picked up from the TV Show Dexter. The first time I heard it I thought it applied for me.

Since joining here I have found a couple of interesting initiatives here in Canada-

The Suvivor Society of Canada

and

Little Warriors

The statistics on the Little Warriors site were eye opening for me. If correct it means we have an epidemic here in Canada.

In spite of this, the Ontario Education Minister is pursuing an amendment to an existing law that if passed would allow teachers to re-apply for their teaching certificates within 5 years following suspension for sexual assault on a student.

Despite subsections (3) and (4), if a person has had a certificate revoked for committing an act of professional misconduct that involved sexual abuse of a student, sexual misconduct or a prohibited act involving child pornography, an application under subsection (1) to have a new certificate issued shall not be made earlier than five years from the date of the order under section 30.

My assailant assaulted me when he was 21, then another ten year old student when he was 34 then another at 50 years of age. These are just the ones we know about.

Not picking on teachers as 99% are not violating students. That still leaves dozens of teachers that do.

The recent Project Spade arrested 348 individuals of which 40 were teachers. That is not a small percentage. What is the Ontario government thinking here?



Edited by zip14 (04/01/14 03:41 PM)

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#463665 - 04/04/14 05:18 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
congratulations on taking such big steps.

welcome to ms.org.

looking forward to hearing more from you, as your story unfolds.
you have already said some good things> take control! break the silence!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#463681 - 04/04/14 09:57 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Thanks Victor,

I am waiting to hear from the jurisdiction that is taking over my complaint. They are waiting for the statement & report from the Sex Crimes Unit in Toronto.

Happen to be watching Sleepers right now and it is triggering.

It is clear that this is going to take time and patience. I will update as I go, as I can.

Thanks for the support. It means a lot.

I have to say that I am somewhat embarrassed that I live in a place where the person overseeing education and a budget of tens of billions is advocating for re-licensing of pedophiles as teachers. Shame on the not so honorable Liz Sandals for her Bill 103.



Edited by zip14 (04/04/14 11:57 PM)

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#463708 - 04/05/14 04:20 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: zip14


I have to say that I am somewhat embarrassed that I live in a place where the person overseeing education and a budget of tens of billions is advocating for re-licensing of pedophiles as teachers. Shame on the not so honorable Liz Sandals for her Bill 103.



!!! ??? XXX
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#463709 - 04/05/14 04:28 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
On September 18, 2013, Canadian Minister of Education Liz Sandals introduced Bill 103, The Protecting Students Act, to the Ontario legislature.

Ontario bill would automatically revoke licences of teachers convicted of sexual abuse, child porn charges

The bill would also ensure that they would have to wait at least five years before they could apply to return to the classroom, said Education Minister Liz Sandals

Bill 103.
(3) Section 33 of the Act is amended by adding the following subsection:
Same, sexual abuse, etc.
(4.1) Despite subsections (3) and (4), if a person has had a certificate revoked for committing an act of professional misconduct that involved sexual abuse of a student, sexual misconduct or a prohibited act involving child pornography, an application under subsection (1) to have a new certificate issued shall not be made earlier than five years from the date of the order under section 30.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#464124 - 04/15/14 03:16 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I received an update from Police today. My perp is alive and Police have an address on him. This news was received with a mix of fear, anger and anticipation.

I feel good knowing that I wasn't chasing after a ghost. I feel good knowing that he will be arrested and children in his community will be safer.

I think my biggest fear is that he is going to be a far worse person than I might know him to be. I fear that his victims will number in the dozens.

Just when I start to feel like I am gaining a bit of control I suddenly feel out of control again.

I really need to drink less, sleep more and get back to daily exercise. I never felt the need for therapy (though my Ex felt I could use it) before opening this history up after so many years. Now it seems my heart gets racing when any news comes my way and I have a hard time focusing on work.

I also notice that my contact with my kids has declined significantly since reporting. It is as if I am trying to shield them from it, from my emotions, from the ugliness. I discussed it with my youngest daughter but have not been able to discuss with the older one. Family is trying to plan an Easter dinner this coming weekend and I would rather be on my own and they don't get it.

I guess I don't want them to see me so weak. They have never seen me cry other than at my Mom's funeral. I don't want my kids to think I am needing or relying on them for emotional support. Suppose to go the other way.

Though it is six hours by car, I plan to be at his first court appearance. My brother said he would go just to make sure I don't throw something at him.

Could this really be happening? Seems surreal.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts. But better out than in. Thanks.

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#464183 - 04/16/14 08:19 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
thanks for the update.

now that the investigation has reached the criminal,
we can only hope that his crimes will stop.
that is the first priority.

the next most important thing is identifying and locating his other victims and getting them the help and support they need.

the fate of the predator... that is another story.

at 53, i have learned not to put a lot of faith or trust in the powers of the police or prosecutors to punish the perpetrators. things like justice, jail, judges have all failed me in the past, but i sincerely hope your story has a better ending.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#464231 - 04/17/14 11:54 PM Re: My Dark Passenger [Re: zip14]
zip14 Offline


Registered: 03/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Ontario, Canada
We are the same age Victor.

Things seem to be moving rapidly at this moment. It is tough to keep balance. I am in contact with Police twice each day.

The Detective in charge said he wants to know every detail of his past charges, court cases, appeals, incarceration history, failed prosecutions and my case before they proceed to an arrest. Says it will help with his interrogation and prosecution.

I know now that I am but a witness in this effort but I hope to hell they grab him before some other kid gets screwed up for life.

They say justice is blind but in these cases it is really just ignorance of the damage sustained by the victims. I am prepared for the complete dissatisfaction that awaits me in the criminal courts.

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