I spent years questioning my sexuality. I was afraid to state openly that I am heterosexual due to numerous factors with the biggest one being gay men attacking me as though I am self-hating or some other such thing. To declare in this day and age that having sex with men was rooted in abuse and other factors and that it was driven by underlying issues, is very threatening to many men. I was very afraid of those men since I still held onto the compulsive masturbation. I thought "how can I advocate this pov on my sexuality yet still be limitedly linked to some compulsive behavior that I couldn't explain". I understand now and I've met a few men who had sex with men who are heterosexual and are not ashamed of what they've done - they understand it.
I've also been afraid that since I had sex with men that meant I could never really be heterosexual and I would never be seen as such, not really. Now, I see my sexual history as just that - history. So be it. I am more accepting of it and more understanding.
(Common link between those prior two paragraphs - I was afraid of men.)
I have faith that there are other men who've dealt with this and have moved on. More than faith, I know of other men. Knowing that other men can move on means I can move on. There are men on here that have had all sorts of histories with male/male sex abuse and have either had sex with men after or never did again. I've read so much on here and I've taken part in 12 step groups around this stuff so that I have learned to separate a lot of my issues about sex - what is my orientation, what is addictive/compulsive, what do I really want to do or value, what is the root of my sexuality. I understand that acting on sex physically doesn't necessarily reflect my orientation just like someone who repeatedly and compulsively cheats on a spouse, those behaviors don't reflect the true underlying values of that particular person.
Sex with the same gender is a loaded topic and fraught with issues. I worried for too long about other people's reactions. I worry less now since I see life slipping by and I am more worried about not living a good life for me rather than whether I upset someone else by talking about what is true for me.
Edit: after writing and thinking about this, I understand my fears of other men attacking me for either being gay or denying it were more about my fears of men in general and the fears took on this form. I read from other men - gay, straight and undefined - and I find I relate in so many ways that the sexual orientation issue is much less important than the identification that I am finding with men who have struggled with many of the same things. I added this because sometimes I write something and by the act of writing it and allowing it to be seen, it changes and allows me to see things differently.
Edited by EdfromNYC (03/25/14 10:25 AM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed