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#462809 - 03/18/14 12:30 PM What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
This should hopefully not cause anyone distress. Just a general question and thoughts rolling around in my head.

As time and acceptance has been water under the bridge, I get it that my abuse was not my fault. I know a 7 year old kid can't consent to sex. I know a 7 year old kid can willingly participate and be misled. All that understood and accepted... Now to the question.

Some feel we are imprinted by our abuse in what we like or dislike. It was our first sexual experience and for some our bodies responded, or we were groomed and almost dated by our abuser. So now decades later, I look at what I like and don't like. It mirrors a bit of my CSA.

My situation involved oral that my body responded to and giving it as well. The anal hurt and I don't do it with my wife. I remember being younger and single, not even considering continuing dating a woman that did not enjoy giving oral.

I know I like what I like in other areas of life that have notin to do with CSA. And I often find hints of influences in my life. I heard lots of blues music as a kid. I like that now as an adult. The same goes for going to see plays.

I can own the positive influences or imprints of other people. It kind of bothers me to admit my sexual presences were influenced by my CSA. A bit of a double standard in my eyes. Maybe denial?

I guess it is true. No need to freak about it.

It is what it is.

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#462810 - 03/18/14 12:52 PM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3461
Loc: somewhere in Africa
OTF -
face it - oral feels good, regardless of who is doing it - if they do it well. i'd say it is coincidental that you first discovered that in a CSA situation. no need to freak about it coming from that source. you'd likely have discovered it in a more healthy relationship later anyway and had the same desire to repeat it.

i had a circumstance that used to trigger me when my wife did it to me because it was a part of my early abuse (fondling through underwear). eventually, i got over it by realizing that it wasn't the act that was wrong - but the situation and the perpetrator in my early life. once i got to the point where i could see the 1st instance as a distorted preview of the later good experience, i was OK and could whole-heartedly enjoy it with my wife.

good observation that other preferences may not have anything to do with abuse. and it is good to affirm that you CAN get to the point where the sexual preferences do not have to be triggers.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#462814 - 03/18/14 03:23 PM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1416
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
I can own the positive influences or imprints of other people. It kind of bothers me to admit my sexual presences were influenced by my CSA. A bit of a double standard in my eyes. Maybe denial?
This is precisely the crime. If someone gut-punched me every night instead of sexually assaulting me, I doubt I would have any visceral desire to relive or re-enact that. The crime of CSA is that it is a twisting and deforming influence on a developing, nascent sexual identity. You are talking as though it is a fault or a shortcoming that you are somehow responsible for correcting - as if it was your fault - as if it was in your power to reverse the damage he did.

There is strong evidence that in those of us whose CSA was our first sexual experience with another person, there was likely some imprinting. For most of us, the abuse thoroughly overwhelms the senses, and sweeps from us any ability to control our responses. The mind of a prepubescent boy certainly is not mature enough to sort through those intense, conflicting feelings.

The experience of CSA for me was the most intense sexual experience of my life. I do not mean that with a positive connotation. I said "no" but he went ahead anyways, and my "no's" turned into a powerful sensory surrender that just etched itself into my brain. I read once that when one fights their own sexual responses in a rape, that those responses can peak at at even higher level, and the intensity creates a sexual precedent that is rarely met in more consensual encounters. It doesn't mean it was a pleasant or fulfilling experience. But the intensity is something many of us are left to reckon with, never-the-less. I suppose it is like damming a river to prevent flooding, but when the dam breaks, the devastation is even more intense than it would have been otherwise. I wish I could find that article. But it discussed sexual overstimulation in children and how that imprints our sexual desires, and I think it was from a peer-reviewed science journal.

This is a bit personal for me, but it really helped me accept myself and so maybe it will help you, too: I used to think that re-enactment meant that my abuser still "owned" me - that my sexual expressions were less than wholesome. But the fact is I have been fighting something I cannot change. And when I accept who I had to become to survive him - when I stop waging that war with myself - that's the real victory over my molester. I may not have the power to change the patterns of my sexual identity, but I possess the power to forgive myself. Accepting who I had to become means I take full possession of my life. Anything short means my molester still owns a part of me.
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#462815 - 03/18/14 04:47 PM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Quote:
I remember being younger and single, not even considering continuing dating a woman that did not enjoy giving oral.


I'd say you're 100% normal in that regard. Good life advice, honestly.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#462819 - 03/18/14 05:19 PM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Its not the BJ that matters, its with who, and the situation that it takes place in. A BJ from a sex partner on equal footing with you, who enjoys giving that gift to you, is different than a stranger in an alley or bathroom stall who reminds you of the perp.


Jude


Edited by Jude (03/19/14 10:11 PM)
Edit Reason: Deleting the stupid stuff
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I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
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#462836 - 03/19/14 01:58 AM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Chase Eric,

Beautifully said. Perfect, really.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#462837 - 03/19/14 04:14 AM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: Chase Eric]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 408
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
[quote=On The Fringe] I used to think that re-enactment meant that my abuser still "owned" me - that my sexual expressions were less than wholesome. But the fact is I have been fighting something I cannot change. And when I accept who I had to become to survive him - when I stop waging that war with myself - that's the real victory over my molester. I may not have the power to change the patterns of my sexual identity, but I possess the power to forgive myself. Accepting who I had to become means I take full possession of my life. Anything short means my molester still owns a part of me.


AS usual eric your insite is only exceeded by your effortless eloquence

you say so much with both a sense of personal perspective but with a common thread that brings us all in

That is precisely the point of this WHOLE SITE. We cannot change certain things, but we CAN stop waging a war against ourselves. Fucking brilliant.

My exes T said to her that i was not angry with her, i was angry because she represented what was stopping me from accepting me and the incredible conflict was that i cared for her so much that it was impossible to marry those two concepts. Only when i let her go and allowed her to find true love from a man who could truly love her in a way in was never capable of, was i able to find the path as you say, taking possession of your life.

That great turmoil of conflict for survivors in my limited experience is:
- a marriage where the survivor finds what worked when he was young no longer makes sense,
- hyper religion where accepting who you are comes at such a great cost because you know what they tend to right about rape/ abuse victims and or gay folk
- self imposed homophobia due to a preconceived notion of what a survivor SHOULD feel about life and sexuality

My advice is LISTEN TO ERIC, The real victory as he says is stop waging war with yourself. Acceptance of the here and now , as we are here and now and what we truly want in the future, means the molester is like voldemort on the last reel of the film. Dust,

Thank you ERIC and thank you FRINGEMAN for this post


Edited by 1lifenow (03/19/14 04:19 AM)
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The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

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#462849 - 03/19/14 08:18 AM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Even if the self you have isn't the one you were going to have had minus the abuse, it's still worthy of love and acceptance. You cannot win a war with yourself, you can only lose.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#462851 - 03/19/14 08:42 AM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: SoccerStar]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1722
SoccerStar

Agree with you. That part of you is part of you. Unfortunately part of us is altered when we were abused. Denial of the part that came to be, at least for me, caused much anguish, hurt and dissociation because I could not accept that part of me. As I healed I learned I needed to love myself, denial of a part of your self, only fragments you more. It was my T, who worked months and months to help me to understand and accept that part of me that came to be because of the abuse was a part of me. Denying that part only continued to fragment me.

I won some battles, the other part of me won some battles as this part sought love but neither of us won the war. But together we are winning and life is wonderful.

Thank you for the reminder. We must love the whole of ourselves if we are to heal.

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#462867 - 03/19/14 06:15 PM Re: What we like: Built in desire or imprint from CSA [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Guys,

This is a collection of great personal success stories in survival. Thank you for sharing.

I keep hearing acceptance. And not the normal acceptance, of others and outside things.... But acceptance of ourselves.

This site has been all about accepting me, for what I have been hearing you share. The need to stop waging war against ourselves.

That is a great summary. Stop fighting me, stop hating me, stop being disgusted at me. Acceptance.

Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems.

We can't win a war against ourselves.

Another great one shared.

I am bad at the multiple cut and paste thing, the high tech cool kid stuff. But thank you everyone for sharing.
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