I am writing this because I have never told my story in hole to anyone bits and pieces here and there. A few home truths but never the whole story. My partner of 15 still has no clue to what extent the abuse was and the effects it has had on me.
From the age of three to ten I was abused by two adult males and one teenage boy .
I grew up in a small country town in a not so good boarding house / estate that only people on their ass would live.
And this is where it first started. A neighbour next door had a son a couple years older than me (I was around three) and he started to mimic thing that was happening to him by another neighbour. who was the husband of my mums friend. I think the boys dad caught on and moved out after he found us two boys naked in a paddock touching each other. It all may have stopped there and then if the dad had informed my mum the police but he pretended that nothing was wrong just packed up and left.
Unfortunately that left me there by myself with the first predator. It all started with the grooming .
After about a year thing started getting bad. Because he was so good with kids, I was left with him while my mum and his wife went out. It all started with touching fully clothed and sloly progressed to him touching me and me touching him and watching him masturbate. I remember one time that I was left there while they went to the shop; I was looking out the window crying and seeing the car drive up the drive way to the shops. I knew what was going to happen and it made me scared and uncomfortable. They must have just gone to the shops for food or something quick because as soon as they had got in to the car I was pushed into the bed room were I found myself crying and looking out the window and seeing then leave again.
I cant remember all that happened that day but I do remember how scared and uncomfortable I felt.
It hadnít progressed to penetration yet but I new what we were doing was wrong. After he had slowly pushed the limits for around a year the time had come I was around four and a half and remember it clear as a bell . he told me that we were going to do something different and I had to be a big strong man because it was going to hurt a little. I do remember that it was uncomfortable but cant remember any pain. After the first time he did this he told me that my mum might ask why I had blood in my undies and I was to tell her that I had done a big poo that had caused it. I was never asked so I didnít tell. Then it started to happen around once a week
There where threats if I told any one I would be taken away from my mum.
The most vivid memory I have is when we went to his house and I wanted to have a bath (because we didnít have one at our place ) it wasnít the firs time I had a bath ther but this time he was the one to look after me. After the bath was run he locked the door and said that icould have the bath but when it was finished we were going to do what he wanted. I started crying and saying that I didnít want to have the bath. My mum came to the door asking why it was locked and he responded that I changed my mined but the bath was full and he didnít want to wast it. She bought it and told me to stop crying and get in the bath. So I had to get in the bath. The hole time I was in the bath I was dreading the end of it . he got me out and made me lie on a towel on the floor . I can still remember the black and white tile floor and how cold it was and how shit I felt.
Not long after that I was found in the backyard of a friends role playing. We were both naked behind the shed she was face down and I was on top. After we were found I was taken home and the inquisition began. After around two hours crying and hiding in my bed I finally gave in and told everything and then the next day I was at the cop shop and I still couldnít tell them what had happened . so after a lot of visits they went to talk to him and he denied it and got off . his wife did leave him and we have spoken in the last few years but not in to details.
All in all I was abused for three years by him and he got away with it.
Now Im 35 have a wife and kids. I didnít realise about triggers or know the term . but it was when my firs kid was born I really noticed how bad it affected me. The smell of baby oil triggered so many memories and started me thinking more of how I grew up and the way I acted. I remember how I was told that the reason he did what he did was it happen to him. So I grew up with the vampire mentality. I was afraid that I would end up like him.
From around 12 I stayed away from my little cozens or at least I was never alone with them in a room by myself because I was afraid that I would be accused of doing something .
Growing up I was scared, afraid and an angry person that just got into fights and all sorts of touble. After years doing anything and anyone(girls I always knew they were for me ). I found my wife who is a strong and beautiful person and has stuck by my side and put up with all my crap even tho she doesnít know my whole story . my firs two kids are girls , except from the triggers from smells it was all ok, but now we have a little boy I was so scared of having a boy I was afraid that all the stupid shit I used to think might come true but now being able to look at him I now see there is no chance in the world that I could do anything like what had happened to me to any kid . since his birth I have been thinking a lot of my life and how it affects me day to day. my anger and depression but now I feel I can start to move on and heal
Thanks R for being there for me