I can't really remember a time when I was OK
There have been times in my life where I haven't thought about being hurt
Where I have felt normal
but it was usually because of needles and bar washrooms blotting it out
and today if you met me and said "How are you?" i would say "I'm Ok"
but my definition of OK now means 'not in the hospital"
because today OK means my husband is taking a leave of absence so he can be with me all day at home, I can't be left alone
and OK means I remember only a few moments of each day
the rest just blackness and confusion
today OK means I am still standing, and I guess thats something
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of some dark hole
and I have spent every day since I was 16 hanging on the the rocks around me
because I know what's down there
I know how much it hurts
so i have put everything on hold to cling to the sides here
36 years old and in need of full time supervision
My hobbies and pastimes include crying, worrying, therapist appointments and more crying.
But i can't let go.
To fall means to give up control, to feel the hurt that i left down there.
To jump means to have to wade through whatever I find at the bottom.
I might get bruised and broken. I might not be able to handle it.
but my hands are hurting from holding on so long
and my legs are giving out
I'm so afraid
but i'm going to jump
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.