I was sexually abused and I was not allowed to think.
I acted out in one . I ran out and bought ingredients to
make cheesecake.
Arrived home -after making it I went and watched gayporn.

I am alone.
I keep allowing my thoughts to be real.
Like my dad's brother would yell at me and tell me that I was
raping him.
And him and his entire family kept telling me
"YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO TELL ANYONE!
pounding me.
And the yelling feels so real that it is hard to see people
for who they are.
I am so scared of sex.
And i love the idea of being with a woman -just held and
i feel like i have an idea that then i get these feelings
that i am a woman.
And that would be my dad. But it is actually my dad's brother. He messed my brain up that i couldnt even see him.
He would drive me around and then i kinda just screwed up
my brain.
I never did learn anything.
The other day I was wondering ' well there is no reason
to love my dad and ..i would constantly get angry at him.
My relationship with my dad has gotten worse and i dont care.
But.. i was always told by my dad's parents that " kiril isnt
your dad that blagoj is. (my dad's brother)
sick? !!
and i dont feel my body has grown yet.
And i get sick when i see my dad.. but i dont see him.
And it is so frustrating i do everything to heal my body
from injuries i am responsible for.
When i see my friend ,Maria.. i have been not very nice
Because there is this woman who sits with us at the bar
and she has said things in the past " i will leave you lovers
alone".
And last week her and my friend Maria decide to sing
"Endless Love" and this woman says this song is for you.
And i said nicely with a smile " nooo" ..while watching the
t..v.
I am an asshole.
But it is like i am angry at my friend
..i am angry at me... i am sure ...it i feel so disgusting.
I look like a guy but feel like a girl.
My penis is small.
And my brain ..didnt get far.
I try to tackle down alot at once.
This loneliness is scary.
I feel like.. my dad's sister-in-law would whisper
when i would sleep .. " like i will kill my mother".
I know this is heavy ; but please i really need this out,
i dont know where to go.
And i am wanting to heal my body so i can get a job and take
it from there.
It is hard.
And i dont have any male friends.
I go to a Men's group on Friday's.
And this is an incredible group.
I do get hugs there..which is really needed.
But boy do i think would i like a girl to hold me?
yea.
but then i get mixed up..sometimes i think guys are great.
But why do i get " oh ,maybe that guy wants sex.
Maybe this is how good it gets in recovery and i should
take a chance and sleep with a guy."
My brain.
And i dont know if i am flattering myself.
But i go to a doctor at a walk-in -clinic last week.
And yea he is good-looking ..and i complimented i like how
he dresses / he looks casual".
He asked me what i do for a living with a very nice smile.
This doesnt mean anything ,right?.
I dont know what people are thinking.
Well, men really.
I make sure now that " goran dont flirt with that girl, be
honest...what if she likes you after you flirt ,,will you
follow thru " ?
I .. cant remember who i am
and my aunt she held my balls that it is so strenous
down there.
My dad laughed at me ..when they would tease me ( cousins
and the whole family).
How can i forgive my dad?
I dont have family.. and i dont know who to talk to.
I have my therapist ..but i am trying to reduce sessions.
Tonight i had a friend pass away from cancer.
Boy, did i love him.
He was so full of life and ..boy i miss him.
My friend Maria, her mother died of cancer a few years back.
And lately she has been missing her more.
I feel like such an asshole.
I dont be there.
And if i suddenly tell her my friend ..why should she be
there for me?
And i think i am letting my ego go wild, thinking she
wants romance.
I hate this.
I dont know who i am.
And i was thinking of this therapist lately ; a female
she does Bioenergetics...and i need to cry.
And i just think i can do it in her room
i am scared of girls
and what they might do to me if i tell them that i am gay.
but ..this is not 100%..
i feel like someone split me in half
"you have to listen to your mom"
Yea.
but my mom isnt my dad.
and my dad shouldnt be doing that stuff.
they made mistakes
and i feel responsible.
why would i feel responsible?
i am not even a boy
i never got to be , me.
I am tired
and i wanted to cold apply for jobs tomorrow morning.
But i dont like it ..if my folks know anything about me.
I love my mom,
but i wasnt alllowed to.
I know this is all soo soso screwed up.
But my dad is so messed up..and i was felt like i was
messed up.
NOwhere to go.
Not in 1974 .
I do today.
It is just so weird that with all this help ; the internet
all these wonderful groups.
I live in Canada , so i am very lucky in alot of ways.
But ..this brain that i have it is like i have different
voices
and i know not to think.
I do want to think.
I am allowed to think.
My dad is sick.
I think my dad -kirils brother -is gay.
and i think i am not allowed to think this
especially to my real dad.
and his mom.
and his neices.
i have never been kissed.
not really.
I am proud that i dont drink.
I thank AA for that.
I do good things.
I eat really healthy.. i am around 170lbs.
I have to be very careful thou.
I have an addiction to sugar.
Sweetner.
Oh, it's exhauting i used to make my parents sugar-free pies
and cake...cookies..
it's all good.
Y'know you could use (if you know) unsweetned applesauce instead of butter.
And ..i have used kidney beans instead of flour.
There are ways you can have you dessert.
It wont taste as good.
But..ah, who cares.
But..this is not the point.
And i have been gooogling everything..
how to do this how to do that
..i even learned how to tie a tie on youtube.
I want to do alot of stuff.
It is love thing that i have a hard time connecting with.
My loneliness is so deep and never-ending.
I am scared of women.
And if i confesssed to this.
I feel like someone would through me into the core of the
Earth.
I am so deep ..and my dad hated me.
He made things up.
Like you dont have to be like your mom.
And i have so much sick shit in my head that i dont know
how to take it out and shove it to my dad.
It is so hard to let go that i will never have a dad.
And..i suffer and suffer and ..

I got to go.
Thanks for reading this.
hugs
Goran