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#463053 - 03/23/14 10:42 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jake123 Offline


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 19
Thanks for your feedback. I believed this could be conquered...but hearing it from you gives me hope. No therapist I had, and there were several, ever landed on this as an issue for me. did they ask? did I share? probably not..but they should have. All in the past.

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#463055 - 03/23/14 10:44 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jake123 Offline


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 19
and your strength comes from? I do believe in somewhat "re-training the mind"....and the body can be brought along with it. Did you go through the other often related issues....question your sexuality, etc....

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#463062 - 03/24/14 06:38 AM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: Jake123]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I spent years questioning my sexuality. I was afraid to state openly that I am heterosexual due to numerous factors with the biggest one being gay men attacking me as though I am self-hating or some other such thing. To declare in this day and age that having sex with men was rooted in abuse and other factors and that it was driven by underlying issues, is very threatening to many men. I was very afraid of those men since I still held onto the compulsive masturbation. I thought "how can I advocate this pov on my sexuality yet still be limitedly linked to some compulsive behavior that I couldn't explain". I understand now and I've met a few men who had sex with men who are heterosexual and are not ashamed of what they've done - they understand it.

I've also been afraid that since I had sex with men that meant I could never really be heterosexual and I would never be seen as such, not really. Now, I see my sexual history as just that - history. So be it. I am more accepting of it and more understanding.

(Common link between those prior two paragraphs - I was afraid of men.)

I have faith that there are other men who've dealt with this and have moved on. More than faith, I know of other men. Knowing that other men can move on means I can move on. There are men on here that have had all sorts of histories with male/male sex abuse and have either had sex with men after or never did again. I've read so much on here and I've taken part in 12 step groups around this stuff so that I have learned to separate a lot of my issues about sex - what is my orientation, what is addictive/compulsive, what do I really want to do or value, what is the root of my sexuality. I understand that acting on sex physically doesn't necessarily reflect my orientation just like someone who repeatedly and compulsively cheats on a spouse, those behaviors don't reflect the true underlying values of that particular person.

Sex with the same gender is a loaded topic and fraught with issues. I worried for too long about other people's reactions. I worry less now since I see life slipping by and I am more worried about not living a good life for me rather than whether I upset someone else by talking about what is true for me.

Edit: after writing and thinking about this, I understand my fears of other men attacking me for either being gay or denying it were more about my fears of men in general and the fears took on this form. I read from other men - gay, straight and undefined - and I find I relate in so many ways that the sexual orientation issue is much less important than the identification that I am finding with men who have struggled with many of the same things. I added this because sometimes I write something and by the act of writing it and allowing it to be seen, it changes and allows me to see things differently.


Edited by EdfromNYC (03/25/14 10:25 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#463088 - 03/24/14 04:15 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: Jake123]
innervoice Offline


Registered: 03/23/14
Posts: 3
Loc: NY
I just joined this website and already i find myself responding. I have had a similar happening only on the opposite side. I am a gay man, but have used straight porn at times. I have also feared and continue to fear men at times. I think these are general things given where we came from. I look forward to hearing more from you guys.

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#463092 - 03/24/14 06:41 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jake123 Offline


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 19
Thank you for sharing and opening up. What is the 12 step plan you speak of please? Thanks

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#463097 - 03/24/14 09:01 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: innervoice]
Jake123 Offline


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 19
wow...don't know what to say....share as much as you like man.

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#463100 - 03/24/14 09:31 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: Jake123]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
I totally get it. in my earlier years i would also escape by masturbating. It didn't sound bad to me it sounds closer to normal for guys with our past than not.

good post

thanks
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463124 - 03/25/14 10:29 AM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: Jake123]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Jake,

I'd like to respond via personal message rather than on the board regarding what groups I go to. They are 12 step and I can give you more information. I don't feel that comfortable about sharing more specific information.

Let me know if you'd like me to contact you. You can private message me if you'd like.

And if anyone else wants more information, I am willing to share what I've learned and got.

Edit: There have been other men on here that have also done some of the same work so it is not unique or unusual.


Edited by EdfromNYC (03/25/14 02:04 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#463164 - 03/25/14 06:56 PM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jake123 Offline


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 19
Thank you...however I am not prepared to go off this site. Sorry. Thank you for the offer.

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#463200 - 03/26/14 08:24 AM Re: Compulsive Masturbation [Re: Jake123]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
You can private message within this site. I don't want to go offsite either. If you go up to My Stuff key above, you can go into your messages and create a private message.

But I understand completely. 100%. If it doesn't feel safe, I don't do it.

Do internet search of 12 step sex recovery groups and you will find 4 or 5 of them and they each offer a slight variation on recovering from different forms of sex/love addiction and/or compulsion.

Hope this helps.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
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