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#462676 - 03/15/14 01:49 PM First post
Mrsbee Offline


Registered: 03/14/14
Posts: 5
I found out very, very recently that my husband of five months (we've been together for over three years) was abused by a family friend when he was 12. This came almost out of nowhere, although a lot of underlying issues now make a lot more sense...extreme promiscuity during his teen years and early 20s as well as a problem with binge drinking.

I'm so glad to have found this community, because I can tell my husband is still too traumatized over finally remembering what happened to him to be able to talk with me. He told me he has been trying for years and years to forget what happened, to block it out by drinking. The other day something in him snapped and he told me. Since then he has admitted that he needs help, but he is terrified to talk about it because he is afraid that his family will find out and he doesn't want them to know. I'm pretty positive that I'm the only person he has shared this with.

Which is scary, because I feel like it's my job to "get him better." From the little reading I have done on these forums, I know that isn't the case, that my support can be enough, at least for this initial time. What scares me the most is his drinking. Since I've known him, I've noticed that he sometimes drinks in secret and until the last year or so, he has done a great job of hiding it. By now, though, I can almost always tell when he has had a drink, and he always owns up to it, but it kills me because he becomes so ashamed and guilty, and all I want is for him to realize that it's a problem he needs help with. I know that he doesn't intentionally do this to hurt himself or me.

What is terrifying is that in the last week since he's admitted to me about his experience with CSA, he's gotten extremely intoxicated almost every single day, with the exception of one day when he just slept all day long.

The crap hit the fan last night when he was randomly pulled over and an empty alcohol bottle was found in the trunk of his car. Luckily he hadn't been drinking AT ALL and passed a breathalyzer, but even so they put him in handcuffs and today he is at court as we speak to see what will happen with the charge.

I just don't know what to do...in a way, I'm glad yesterday happened, because I think it was like a rock bottom to realize that things need to change. But I'm so scared and sad for him, and just wish that I could wave a wand and make everything bad go away. If he goes away to a rehab center for his drinking (which his parents are rooting for), it will leave us virtually with no income at all as I just graduated college and have yet to find a job. If he doesn't go away, I feel like it's going to be much harder to deal with his problems. And now he's placing even more blame on himself because of what happened yesterday. It's easy to tell somebody that everything will be ok, you know they're not a bad person, etc.....but for them to believe it is another thing.

I'm posting on this forum because it's my only hope right now. I need someone to tell me that things will eventually get better, because I feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. Obviously I don't want to talk to anyone in my own family right now until we know what is happening with this court charge. Ugh. I never imagined this would be my life frown

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#462685 - 03/15/14 05:00 PM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Mrsbee

I'm sorry that you have to be here and the situation you're in, but glad you found MS.

Bad times are shit while they are happening, but you will get through this and have good times again. The resolution may not be what you want, but you will move on. You will also realize that the bad times teach us who we really are, help to change or reinforce our beliefs, help us figure out what is really important to us, and identify the people in our life who really love us.

Support your husband and take care of yourself. I wish you the best.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#462686 - 03/15/14 05:01 PM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Welcome to the site Mrsbee. You will find support and friends here, and people who understand what he and you are going through. We all have different stories but we share the residue hurts from abuse. I am glad you found us.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#462687 - 03/15/14 05:10 PM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Mrsbee,

I would offer that, even if you can't see it yet, it is already better.
The fact that he chose to tell you, demonstrates an incredible amount of courage.
There is tremendous fear and shame to overcome, in addition to some fairly rigid societal conditioning that he's had to get past for him to be able to express his truth to you.
He placed a great deal of trust in you by telling you, and both of these things are very positive.

I told my wife when i was in my 30's, but didn't ever address my recovery until I was 47.
That is when I was ready.

If you have not told him how you feel about it, I would suggest the following...
That you believe him ( many feel they would not be believed )
That it does not change how you feel about him ( many tend to feel they would be unlovable if their truth were known)
That it was not his fault ( most, if not all blame themselves)
That the truth he told you would be kept in confidence ( he shared this with you, and you alone)
That you'll help in any way you can to aid in finding the help he needs.

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad that you have found us.

Keep well
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462697 - 03/15/14 09:10 PM Re: First post [Re: mattheal]
Mrsbee Offline


Registered: 03/14/14
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for the kind words. I guess it is challenges like this that make us realize how strong we can be. I just hope that everything starts to hurt less for both of us.

--mrsbee

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#462698 - 03/15/14 09:11 PM Re: First post [Re: BuffaloCO]
Mrsbee Offline


Registered: 03/14/14
Posts: 5
buffaloco.....I'm glad I found you all too. It's a small step but has already helped smile

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#462699 - 03/15/14 09:14 PM Re: First post [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Mrsbee Offline


Registered: 03/14/14
Posts: 5
Adam A Gedman, you made me cry! But good tears. I have already told him everything you suggested, because that is how I truly feel....I just hope he realizes how much I mean it when I say I'm on his side no matter what. It seems he is just completely caught up in guilt, between remembering csa and the side effect of drinking. Thank you so much for the encouragement....I really needed to hear it <3

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#462712 - 03/16/14 11:46 AM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
Mrsbee Offline


Registered: 03/14/14
Posts: 5
So I have an update. Turns outy husband was afraid to tell me the whole truth about his run in with the police. He had been drinking when they pulled him over so he is facing DUI charges. It's his first offense ever so hopefully they will only suspend his license for a bit but he is scared he's going to face jail time. I honestly don't think that will happen but it's hard to tell him that when he is so worried. The good thing is he is admitting himself tomorrow to a treatment center for 72 hours to get checked out. I know that he probably doesn't necessarily feel comfortable yet talking to a stranger about his csa experience....but I'm hoping that seeking professional help is a good step regardless. Should I even suggest to him to bring up his csa while he is there? I don't want to push him but I also know that talking to a therapist will help. I guess this is the struggle everyone talks about on here, that fine line between making what I think is a helpful suggestion and not wanting to push him further than he is willing to go.

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#462721 - 03/16/14 03:35 PM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Mrsbee,

I am sorry that your husband has been forced, by way of DUI charges to face this likely sooner than he would have otherwise.
But in terms of his overall recovery from CSA, not necessarily such a bad thing.
His fear of telling you about the DUI charge, is familiar as well.
We know we did something wrong, and have already judged ourselves, and feel a sense of guilt and shame (recognize these, they pop up everywhere in our lives), fear of telling you is the same thing, fear of being judged as wrong and this would result in more guilt and shame, tying into our belief that we are responsible for the abuse we suffered.
It sounds as though he is stepping up to the plate though, and facing his difficulties.
Whether this holds up remains to be seen but out of a negative experience can be some positive as well.

If not wanting to directly address the abuse he suffered, he can dance around the topic, as I did for years. Our language can be very helpful with this.
He could say something like... I suffered a significant childhood trauma, without exposing any more than that.
Many survivors, myself included have been and continue to deal with PTSD, quite likely he is as well.
This can be addressed in the short term until such time as he may feel more comfortable speaking his truth to a therapist.

Just a cautionary note, I do not have all the answers, if I did I wouldn't need to be here and still be in therapy myself. All I can offer is my experience, and what has worked for me.

Speaking that truth with anonymity, like this site can be tremendously helpful as well.
I didn't really buy into the group experience until I arrived here, told my story and found support I never knew could have existed.

If he is open to them several books are available to help get him started, Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, Joining Forces By Dr Howard Fradkin are a couple I found helpful. Victims No Longer is more insightful, I could see myself in the description Mike Lew wrote about, where as Joining Forces provides chapter by chapter tasks and exercises to help address the disfunction we adopted to survive.

My thoughts are with you both, keep well
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462727 - 03/16/14 06:22 PM Re: First post [Re: Mrsbee]
randombreeze Offline


Registered: 02/03/14
Posts: 60
Loc: WNY
Mrsbee,

Welcome to this special place of support, understanding, and healing. You've taken a very courageous and supportive step coming here. While there's undoubtedly much benefit to be gained perusing these pages, many of the subjects and stories posted here can be very painful and triggering, so please be aware of that and tread carefully.

Having said that, it's evident your being here at all shows you possess a fortitude that'll greatly help your husband on his journey. Like Kevin mentioned in his very revealing and thoughtful posts, your husband has already began the recovery process. In my experience, that first step was by far the most difficult. I feel that's a very important piece of information for both you and your husband so I'll repeat it again:

For many survivors, the most difficult step is admitting the abuse occurred. Sometimes we need to hit bottom before accepting reality. I'm 56 years young, and it took me more than 40 years to come to place in my life where I could even disclose the abuse to anyone. While it's still early in my own recovery, and I've quite a distance to travel before full acceptance and understanding, I know look forward to waking up every day. That's not something I could say a couple years ago. Make no mistake about it, your husband, and all survivors of CSA suffered trauma no child should endure. Do all you can to support him and understand the path forward will be difficult but unavoidable for healing to occur. Sometimes he may feel overburdened, even by your support. That too is normal and may sometimes need to "back off", for lack of a better term. Just let him know your available to discuss and empathize with him when he's accepting.

I'm not sure how to address the issue of the upcoming court date, but I'd strongly suggest considering retaining an attorney. At least confer with one to get legal advice whether it's a wise decision to even bring up the subject of childhood trauma at the hearing. I'd like to believe it isn't so, but there's no way to know how a judge will react...will he look at it as an excuse to justify your husband's drinking and compel him to come down with an even harsher ruling? People, yes even judges, have varying degrees of understanding and empathy regarding CSA, much of which might be determined by their own life experience.

You have no way of knowing what the judge's personal outlook or his what his conception of CSA are, whereas an attorney quite likely may personally know the judge. Many of them are friends out of the courtroom and even play golf and attend social gatherings with each other's families.

It sounds like finances are a concern for you, try to network with friends, family and even area law schools that might be able to refer or assist in finding an attorney willing to take the case pro bono. If your husband, or anyone you know has a therapist, maybe that person has dealt with similar legal issues and know an understanding lawyer, if not consider a public defender. Depending on where you live, many states have mandatory revocation or suspension laws for DWI convictions. It's been many years since I've faced a similar situation, but even back in the '80's it would have been ill advised to go to court with a DWI charge and not have legal representation.

My apologies for the long and rambling comment. Again take comfort knowing your husband has taken a huge step admitting the abuse and his drinking problem. Sounds like he's recently hit a deep bottom, and that is typical when ugly truths are finally confronted.

Stay strong and we'll all be here for both of you. You or hubby can feel free to PM me, and probably many of the other survivors here if you feel the need. We are all connected on a deep level, and I've little doubt this place has helped save lives. If you haven't done so yet, might I suggest you tell him about this place? Finding this forum helped push me to enter therapy and disclose to friends and family what happened to me when I was an innocent 13 year old boy. It's has been a powerful tool in my short recovery process. There's incredible power in knowing the survivor is NOT alone, although I felt that way for decades.

Best of luck, and hugs to both of you.

My Story Part 1:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0224#Post460224

Part 2: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0277#Post460277
_________________________
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

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