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#462636 - 03/15/14 12:17 AM Coming back? Maybe? Should I?
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
It's been 2 years since I've been here. Partially because some of the stories and even being a member weighed heavily on my mind and constantly triggered me. I had to break away to begin to reinvent myself, to test the things I had learned here and to become a man no longer defined by my past.

Well, I've had some dramas. I was able to confront one of my abusers. I can't go into great detail because of legal issues but suffice it to say it wasn't exactly a perfect meeting or healing experience. One of his representatives even called me an actor. I was faking it. My friends I have yet to recover from that accusation. It has rattled me to my marrow.

But then there have been some successes. After that confrontation and after a considerable amount of intensive therapy, I began to try to rebuild, remake, to become someone I could be proud of and someone with confidence. I began to do something that had always given me great pleasure and, because of that, with the greatest of ease. Now, although it's still a work in progress, my confidence is still iffy. I'm faking it 'til I make it.

Now here's the clincher. Though I may be helping myself, I'm becoming more insecure and some of my self tests are failures (Word to the wise - don't watch films or the like about our abuse to see if you can handle it. Bad choice for me.). I've even been passing by a certain building that's near my home to defy my abuser. I blare music in my car, sing to the top of my lungs, and flip the building the bird. Guess what. It doesn't work.

Alright, why am I here again? I'm risking talking about the abuse again. I want to see if I can find the safety and security that I found here before. So if you care to, write a comment or such. I'm just poking around to see if I'm on the right track. Does that make sense? Oh! And I don't want to start something and involve others and not see it through.

I dunno guys. I'm casting a wide net. I welcome your input and whatever you think appropriate.
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#462639 - 03/15/14 12:36 AM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 371
Loc: Ohio
Yes, I think coming back after taking what you've learned and some time off can work well for many. Hope you find continued support and healing on your journey here.

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#462641 - 03/15/14 12:40 AM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Welcome back Rusty, and yeah it all makes perfect sense. You are in charge of your own recovery. Do whatever you have to to move forward, but you'll always have a place here at MS.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#462652 - 03/15/14 05:41 AM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 828
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Rusty,

I am able to fill in a lot of empty and damaged places in myself because of participating here. I hope you have the same experience. I read somewhere that I discover who I am by experiencing who I am not. It sounds like you have been through some challenging experiences in the past two years. It may take some time for your experience to move into wisdom and understanding, but my experience is I learn from all my experiences. Some of my lessons are more difficult than others.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462663 - 03/15/14 09:05 AM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Rusty -

welcome back!
sorry that the confrontation did not go the way you hoped.
but to me it was a victory in the sense that YOU DID IT!
that took tremendous courage.

by all means, come on back and hang with us for as long as it takes to get what you need. makes perfect sense to me.

there is a lot of support available for you and anyone else who is brave enough to speak up. this place is open for business 24/7!

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#462667 - 03/15/14 10:50 AM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Rusty

Welcome back and I am sorry your meeting with the abuser did not go well. You should be proud for having the courage to face the abuser. What he or his representatives say is irrelevant, they are puppets to the abuser. People who call victims actors or faking it, are an extension of the abuser--there are many in this world who do not have the back bone to support the victim, their moral compass is not pointing properly. Why do people do this--some are paid representatives, some can not comprehend such abuse exists, others cannot see their actions have further hurt the victim and pushed the victim to dark places, some are just ignorant. Whatever the reason, their words are meaningless, despite being hurtful. They want to bring you down just as the abuser did.

I am glad you have been in therapy. You are facing the abuse and it can take time to get control of the abuse. Hopefully your therapist and you can find coping mechanisms that help with your feelings of insecurity. I have developed new coping mechanisms which over time are becoming automatic versus my old coping mechanisms.

Please remember you have much to offer, you are valuable and it is the abuser and others who defend the abuser and hurt you who are worthless.

I hope you continue to share here--vent as you need--we all have vented when we were struggling. Letting it out helps to eliminate the shame we harbor--but it is not our shame we ultimately learn.

Heal well.

Kevin

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#462674 - 03/15/14 01:47 PM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
welcome back and i too experienced similar things as you have. When i first joined these sites i was completely overwhelmed at the simple fact i was not alone. and yes every story i read was a trigger of some sort. So i leave for a while when ever i sense myself slipping from reading to much.

I am glad you are back.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#462678 - 03/15/14 03:17 PM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
I'm warming up to the idea of coming back. I just told my wife and she's hesitant but supportive. She isn't overwhelming me with warm fuzzies though. I've just emailed my therapist and told her that I've come back. Gave her a heads up of what's to come.

Thank you gentlemen for your support. I'ma hang out for a while.

Rusty
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#462681 - 03/15/14 03:55 PM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Rusty,

Progress is a series of ups and downs resulting in an overall climb. You have identified things about yourself you are concerned about and are seeking help to confront them. Sounds like you are self aware and strong. I think healing will require life long maintenance to achieve the best performance.

I hope you will share some of your success with us while your in for a tune up.

Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#463025 - 03/23/14 01:10 PM Re: Coming back? Maybe? Should I? [Re: Rusty563]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
A few days ago I came back to MS with fear and doubt but over the past few days and as I have joined threads and I have put my two cents in, I've realized I'm back where I belong. To immerse myself into this place has been affirming.

Cheers to me!

Rusty
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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