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#462502 - 03/13/14 07:52 AM oh the insanity
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
A little background on the situation. My lifelong best friend is moving to town next month. She and I have been so excited about the move that we have been spending a lot of time on the phone lately. H has always pushed me away and doesn't seem to want to talk much so I've backed off and tried to just share ideas with my friend instead. I'm the type that needs to verbally process my thoughts about anything really. I thought everything between me and H was sailing along okay. When we did talk it was pleasant and he seemed like he was doing okay.
Then tonight he stayed out drinking till 5 am (he has to work today). Which he only does this kind of thing when he is upset.
When he got home I was pissed and demanded an explanation. He tried to act like it was no biggie at first then confessed that he knows that I'm planning on divorcing him one my friend moves to town. He says I've been talking to her all the time and been distant towards him and he has gotten my message loud and clear that I'm done with him.
Okay so first off WTF?!
I had a hard time not laughing when he told me this because the idea was so silly. I've felt like our marriage has come a long way over the past year and thought thing were going well. I've known he still has his csa stuff he isn't ready to face head on yet but other than his past issues I thought he was feeling pretty content.
This whole incident is so wacky to me I don't know if I should laugh or just scratch my head in confusion. I told him that divorce hadn't even crossed my mind. In fact me and my friend have been planning loads of fun stuff to do together as couples with her and her husband. We have been excited because our husbands get along so well and are both in need of a guy friend to hang with.
So pretty much I've been feeling the opposite of divorce. Yes I've quit pushing H to hang out with me as much or listen to me talk about my lastest ideas because in the past he has pushed me away so much. My solution was to just get my social needs met elsewhere so that he wouldn't feel suffocated and I wouldn't feel alone. I haven't in anyway been unkind or cold to him though and when he wants to talk I've talked with him.
Its so strange to me that he would interpret me talking on the phone a lot as a sign that I want a divorce. And that he would get so convinced and upset that instead of talking to me he would go out all night and drink with people he doesn't even like. I was really angry about it until he got home and told me what was going on now I just kind of feel bad for him.
It seems like the guy just can't accept that he has a wife that loves him and wants to stick by him. The last time he did something like this was 3 months ago. He was so drunk that it was hard to know if he meant what he was saying. He keep slurring on about how "I was just going to leave him anyway" and that "he couldn't forgive himself for how he had treated me". I tried to reassure him then as well. I'm clear about how I hate the drinking but that I love him and and going to be here for him
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#462518 - 03/13/14 10:44 AM Re: oh the insanity [Re: HD001]
toysoldier Offline


Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 476
Loc: Texas
Insecurities run very deep with Survivors at least they have with Me my entire life , Your Husband is letting his imagination run away with Him I understand because I do that as well, I have even caused My Wife to leave on a couple of occasions with me always accusing her wanting to leave..

With Survivors we often feel unworthy of real love and get to the point where it's hard to hold down a relationship at least that was the case for Me I had a very hard time even accepting love .

My advice would be to just keep on doing what Your doing which is standing by Him and let your unconditional love pull him through this..
_________________________
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders..

Bit by bit Torn apart We never win But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers!

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#462750 - 03/17/14 11:34 AM Re: oh the insanity [Re: HD001]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Can I say that your post made me grin? Maybe it is not the best reaction to think it funny if we manage to confuse our survivors, but they confuse us so often that it kind of feels like "see, that's what I'm feeling all the time!" wink

Anyway, I think you're doing great in terms of handling the situation and your marriage. What you describe about getting your social needs met and still being open in the relationship sounds like a wholesome, healthy approach. Now healthy approaches are sometimes confusing to survivors because they have little experience with them. But I think in time this new-found freedom and a little more chilled approach to the relationship (less nagging, less frustration, still getting needs met) will serve you very well. Thumbs up from me!

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#462755 - 03/17/14 02:47 PM Re: oh the insanity [Re: HD001]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
HD001,

You describe the storytelling that goes on in my head as well.
With a lack of real information my screwed up mind with aid of my history will fill in the blanks.
I may have come to the same skewed conclusion your husband did, given the same circumstances.
Seems all too common unfortunately.

All I would offer is to keep him in the loop.
If you are fulfilling your social needs elsewhere, so as not to burden him, tell him that.
Good communication in any relationship provides a better chance for everyone's needs get met.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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