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#462463 - 03/12/14 02:02 PM I want to disappear
DrumRunner Offline


Registered: 02/06/14
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts
As much as I've had a mostly positive experience dealing with aspects of my abuse over the past few weeks, the hardest part is feeling like so many facets of my life are built on lies. I've been reading The Sexual Healing Journey. It's a good book for me, but it's hard to know how to pace my recovery. And when I look back on things, I can see that who I am isn't much more than a giant scab formed as a reaction to my abuse, but not the abuse itself. The event didn't feel traumatic at the time and I still minimize it. Especially, when I look at the trajectory of my life of secret compulsive sex. Anyway, I'm tired of trying to figure out what's really true for me. I'm tired of the battle. I want to disappear, which is different than dying. I just don't want to be where I am at all. And I don't know where in my heart or my body that I want to be, either. I have a ton of good people and situations in my life, but it feels like crap right now. Like I could walk away - just go out to the store for some milk and never come back.

My emotions are no doubt compounded by finding out last week that my position where I work is ending in a couple weeks. The job market sucks. Frankly, I don't want to look for yet another job I don't really want. I'd rather disappear. So I'll work for myself again, which is fine. The problem is I don't feel strong and outgoing at the moment. I'm not a hustler by nature, and I need to be one, and not be an insecure neurotic CSA recovery person. I'd rather disappear.

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#462464 - 03/12/14 02:39 PM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 336
Loc: Ohio
Can relate to that feeling - especially when dealing with compulsive issues and CSA at the same time. In my experience, time takes time with this. Everyone's path may be different.

I first started looking at the CSA stuff back in July of '94. That was after starting 12 step recovery for sex addiction, which was after having started AA for alcoholism earlier that same year. That was after coming out and a marriage breakup in '90. Everyone's pathway through the maze of relevant issues can differ, but time takes time and these days, though I have my moments just as anyone does, overall my life feels like it is on a decent track (and fortunately it is still while I'm fit and healthy enough to truly enjoy it when on an even keel).

Currently, I'm finally climbing out of the deepest seasonal funk I've ever felt during a winter before while everything else was reasonably going okay. Getting to the other side of CSA with whatever path one chooses along the way is worth it, but it is a bumpy ride during the process in my experience.

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#462471 - 03/12/14 06:30 PM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
fff123 Offline


Registered: 03/05/14
Posts: 15
Loc: Karachi,Pakistan
I know the feeling.Until u dont discover who u really now u want to disappear or start all over again in new place.i also thinking to move abroad(if i get chance)but its understandable.If u can hope changing place will help in your recovery.

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#462493 - 03/13/14 03:23 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi DrumRunner,

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and stretched right now. I've been reading some on happiness in the second half of life for a while now (I'm 64). One of the hints I've come across is the notion of learning to be curious instead of controlling. Kind of earth shattering change for the little abused kid in me, but it makes a lot of good sense to me. As long as I needed to be so controlling in my world, it was difficult for me to see what was on the horizon. Perhaps this is not really a bad thing that is going on with you, but merely a re-routing opportunity for something so much better for you.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462494 - 03/13/14 03:27 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi DrumRunner,

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and stretched right now. I've been reading some on happiness in the second half of life for a while now (I'm 64). One of the hints I've come across is the notion of learning to be curious instead of controlling. Kind of earth shattering change for the little abused kid in me, but it makes a lot of good sense to me. As long as I needed to be so controlling in my world, it was difficult for me to see what was on the horizon or open to what was just around the corner. Perhaps this is not really a bad thing that is going on with you, but merely a re-routing opportunity for something so much closer to who you are and who you are becoming.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462495 - 03/13/14 04:23 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 769
Loc: michigan
I can certainly relate to wanting to disappear man. when I get to that place I want to get in the car and drive. I want to go to a cave or just anywhere. I agree it is not about suicide any more ... not for a long time, but it is so hard when nothing tastes right ,nothing feels good,when it is just so sad. the only thing I seem to be able to do is just hold on. I know that it will clear in time and I try to hold on. it seems to help me sometimes to talk to my wife. or T, someone to help me sort things.
I dont know if that helps man, but I hope it does.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#462500 - 03/13/14 06:48 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
DrumRunner Offline


Registered: 02/06/14
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks for the advice, all. I'm feeling much better today. Had a great talk with my wife last night, and that pulled me up a few rungs for sure. But when you're in the thick of it, where you feel it's 120 degrees in the shade and you can't sit still enough to get any relief - not fun. I think the key is finding your pace. I've run a dozen marathons, and besides the endurance and strength training required to finish, you also need to learn how to run the first half of the race slower than the second half. It's called negative splits. Newbies typically fail and slog through that last half because they went out too fast. But with experience, you learn to run your own race in a centered calm place, and use the group energy to pull you through in those last few miles. Now to take my own advice!

Don, thanks for your kind advice. It's almost impossible for me to spend any time with people who lack curiosity. Crushing boredom! Typically, I'm not a control freak, but when provoked...
I do know what you mean, when you're too engrossed with the illusion of controlling things, you miss the great stuff, the amazing people, and the opportunities to really live.
I feel intact for the most part, but I think doing too much reading in one sitting about CSA, and especially with the book I'm reading now, which speaks louder to my issues than any other, thus far, really sets off something in me that feels like I'm hovering above a bottomless pit of regret. But it's a new day. And I so appreciate everyone's kind words and thoughts. Onward and upward!


Edited by DrumRunner (03/13/14 06:51 AM)

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#462522 - 03/13/14 12:12 PM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi DrumRunner,

I, too, occasionally get lost in my own stuff and feel like it is all I am. I'm so glad I have enough experience to eventually remember there is more to me than that, and that you do too. The experience you describe is very familiar to me, always winds up being a clearing experience of some kind, but can be very challenging to walk through. Thanks for sharing.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462524 - 03/13/14 01:09 PM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1710
This thread is very on point to me. I would literally disappear when the stress of the memories would overwhelm me. I would dissociate and have fugues. I was not there but my body was along with a disconnected part of me which I am told by doctors I will never know. So many lost hours and days. As the CSA memories took over and I could no longer handle. Life unraveled and I was lost. I began therapy and support. Letting out the past was slow and painful but I now know the memories and need to bury the past was causing me to disappear.

Stress external or internal can trigger these negative feelings of self and resurrect the memories. Please take a step back and look for something positive in your life. Vent, let out the past because over time you will accept the memories as something that happened, traumatic as it was, you will not be denying or burying it. You will learn to control the memories and not let them control you. People here, my T and doctors and others taught me it is not my shame and with shame comes guilt and a feeling of being worthless. Shame is a horrible thing it makes us want to hide, run or disappear.

It is hard but seek support we are here. In the end it helps you to move forward.

Kevin

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#462536 - 03/13/14 04:13 PM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
I hid for years - but recovery doesn't let you hide. You are dealing with a lot and believe me i understand. My approach was one day at a time when i was in recovery.

stay strong.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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