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#462027 - 03/04/14 08:04 PM Hello
MrR1959 Offline


Registered: 03/03/14
Posts: 3
I am exploring ways to think about what happened to me. I got memories back when I was 26. I am 49 now and still struggle with the aftermath of both getting those memories back and what actually happened. I have had at least 10 years of wonderful therapy and continue to work with my therapist. I have grown and healed so much in this time and I am thankful for that.

However, I continue to feel distant from what actually happened. There is so much dissociation, which I know is protective. The dissociation helped me survive. But part of that dissociation is a disconnection from other people, a disconnection from myself. So, I want to begin to try and challenge that disconnection. I want to challenge myself to be more honest about what happened to me. I suspect that means connecting with a others who might understand what I have gone through.

Phew. Ok, man. Of course I have so much more to say, and I look forward to saying it. Thank you.

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#462039 - 03/04/14 09:35 PM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 469
Loc: UK
Hi and welcome to the site,
I have had a similar journey, I got memories at 26/7 did a couple of years of therapy did some more ten years ago and started again recently. I didn't really deal with the dissociation though I knew it was there, I can relate to the disconnection from self and others.
Look forward to hearing more from you, hope you find the site helpful.
Welcome again

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#462043 - 03/04/14 10:26 PM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3131
Loc: O Kanada
welcome to ms.org, MrR1959.
looking forward to following your journey.
hope you find your voice here.
be proud and speak your truth.
as you explore others you may discover yourself.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#462055 - 03/05/14 12:35 AM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 298
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for your introduction MrR1959. Glad you've had some healing that you mentioned through therapy. Hope MS is helpful for you as well.

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#462071 - 03/05/14 08:35 AM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1566
Hello MrR1959

Welcome and I am glad your therapy has helped you. Memories can haunt us. I remember very strong memories at 18/19, again when I was 40/41 and very debilitating memories at 50 to 57. I always knew what happened but thought I was a master at burying the memories and a part of me until the day I could no longer do.

My dissociation and fugues occurred in the present, I left myself,lost time and was totally disconnected from the present and me. It has taken time, opening up, talking to my T, support groups--both on line and off line, as well as some friends and supporters. It was hard, because I could not understand how I could not remember so much of the present. Slowly I accepted what people said to me, it was my way to escape the memories and the abuse and where I was running was a place a part of me thought was love. Fear of not knowing where I was or what happened during those times held me back-pretending I was never lost. I was hospitalized several times, not knowing what happened. It took time and sharing with others. Also I found people to share myself with, no judgment just a smile, a hug, or kind word. It helped--I begun to accept whatever happened during the prior dissociation and fugue episodes would never be known or recovered. All this allowed me to connect with people and not to feel detached.

I learned I could protect myself and I no longer needed to run from the past. I slowly learned to accept the abuse and it will always be part of me. I also faced the parish and diocese where the abuse took place. I received the validation I needed. I put those that harmed me in the distance and put those that have been there for me, in the front of my life.

It is not an easy process, but for me I had to go through these steps, even if they were not always in my control. I presume you have to face the past head on, and learn to see yourself differently. You need to see you are valuable and what happened cannot be erased. The past does not need to control your life.

I hope this is helpful and not too rambling. I wish you the best, please feel free to post or pm--you are moving forward by being here.

Kevin

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#462090 - 03/05/14 07:37 PM Re: Hello [Re: KMCINVA]
MrR1959 Offline


Registered: 03/03/14
Posts: 3
"I hope this is helpful and not too rambling..." Wow. No way. It is very helpful. Thank you. "... no judgment just a smile, a hug, or kind word." I get that. I also wish you the best.

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#462097 - 03/05/14 10:18 PM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Welcome MrR1959!

You have some great insights, and it sounds like you have much to offer to the men here. You will gain much in return.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#462140 - 03/06/14 05:33 PM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hello MrR1959,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but happy that you have found us.

I almost view this burden we carry as a prison sentence, and perhaps those like yourself who have put in their time, are able to share the acquired knowledge many of us are not yet aware.

I look forward to the knowledge you can share with us, and the experiences of your continued journey.

Welcome and take care
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462409 - 03/11/14 08:13 PM Re: Hello [Re: Adam A Gedman]
MrR1959 Offline


Registered: 03/03/14
Posts: 3
It is good and touching and healing to read all these responses. I understand the sense that the burden is a prison sentence. It is a potent image and captures a lot of what I have also felt. Before I got my memories I felt like I lived in the geographical center of an infinitely large solid, a small space within which I slept and dreamed. Or, I also felt buried alive.

I now know what buried me, what imprisoned me, was my father's body, my grandfather's narcissistic desires, and other things I only have vague memories of. I also know my families denial, and continued denial, was at least as suffocating as any single act of violation.

Given a chance, we are built to survive.

Hope.

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#462413 - 03/11/14 08:58 PM Re: Hello [Re: MrR1959]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1566
Hello

I am sorry you have to be here. Dissociation is a way to protect us but at times when we dissociation what may happen is not in our control but rather in the control of a part of us who lived the abuse. Dissociation not only occurs during the abuse but can also haunt us throughout our lives-it becomes a coping mechanism to protect us from memories of the abuse, stressful and abusive situations--it is protective in nature but can lead us down a path of reliving or recreating the abuse. But we do not know we are doing this.

I am glad you are trying to find the past and accept it. This will help you on your journey to heal. You have support here and please feel free to share when you are comfortable or if you need to vent--because we all know the healing process has many ups and downs.

Heal well

Kevin

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