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#462318 - 03/10/14 02:58 AM Had issues with a transsexual.
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
I was tricked into a relationship with a transsexual. I was under the false impression that she was a female she was in her last year of college I was In 9th grade. We dated a while before I knew I thought I liked she create an attractive image. She would come up with excuses why we couldn't have sex. All the while she was giving oral so our relationship had gone to a sexual level with me not knowing. Well when I found out she threatened me into having sex with her saying she'd tell my friends and family and threatened my little brother. A few weeks later, I ended up getting drunk and beating her up one day when she had come on to me knowing it was something I didn't want. She lived next door so it was hard to get away from her. She called the police and pressed charges so I was considered the perp. I explained my situation. They didn't believe me or care for that matter. I was a troubled teen with methheads for parents she was a straight A hard working student. This was the beginning of how I ended up in really dangerous situations because I couldn't go back home because she had a restraining order against me. I recently moved back home in my town. She's friends with some of my family so it sucks I interact with her and a lot and she always seems to be the to start stuff and I'm supposed to just take it because I'm the one to blame. I've always been blamed for everything it seems in my family. I don't see how I can deal with her like this. I feel I'm going to say something that will get me in a worst situation. Advice?


Edited by Threetimes19 (03/14/14 07:58 PM)

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#462336 - 03/10/14 12:07 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
Im not sure why you came home man but my advice would be to get the hell out as soon as you can. it is a NO win situation and it is not likely that you will be able to be there with that stress and not snap somewhere along the line. and now it would be doubly bad. It is not a safe situation for you and especially if your family is supporting her. I don't guess this helps much but if it is possible you need to get away.
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#462342 - 03/10/14 01:18 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: newground]
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
Originally Posted By: newground
Im not sure why you came home man but my advice would be to get the hell out as soon as you can. it is a NO win situation and it is not likely that you will be able to be there with that stress and not snap somewhere along the line. and now it would be doubly bad. It is not a safe situation for you and especially if your family is supporting her. I don't guess this helps much but if it is possible you need to get away.
Jeff



I thought she moved elsewhere. Plus compared to where I was previously. I actually didn't know she was still here in this neighborhood. I have better job opportunity here and it's less expensive. I don't plan to be here forever I'd like to move back to the Midwest right now economically can't afford it.

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#462347 - 03/10/14 02:24 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
The issue of whether transgendered people are obligated to "out" themselves in advance to prospective sexual partners is complicated under even ideal circumstances - and since as a survivor you likely were badly triggered by the thought of sex with someone you perceived as actually being or having been a man, obviously there are emotional issues in play that make it far from ideal.

But regardless - physically assaulting and beating someone is wrong except in self-defense. And it is a tragically common fate for transgendered people if they are "outed" under poor circumstances.

The community here is prepared to offer help and support regarding emotional trauma related to sexual abuse and assault at all ages, but please be advised that this is also a safe space for the transgender community and depictions of violence against transgendered people due to their gender identity / presentation will not be welcome.
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#462351 - 03/10/14 03:20 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: ModTeam]
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
Originally Posted By: ModTeam
The issue of whether transgendered people are obligated to "out" themselves in advance to prospective sexual partners is complicated under even ideal circumstances - and since as a survivor you likely were badly triggered by the thought of sex with someone you perceived as actually being or having been a man, obviously there are emotional issues in play that make it far from ideal.

But regardless - physically assaulting and beating someone is wrong except in self-defense. And it is a tragically common fate for transgendered people if they are "outed" under poor circumstances.

The community here is prepared to offer help and support regarding emotional trauma related to sexual abuse and assault at all ages, but please be advised that this is also a safe space for the transgender community and depictions of violence against transgendered people due to their gender identity / presentation will not be welcome.


I was 14. I said I was a freshman. I felt by her threats that she was trying to control and rape me. In that situation it had very little to do with her gender identity. And it doesn't now either. Socially she's female. So she's seen as the victim I'm the bad guy. Everyone's on her side and she causes a lot of issues as if I'm a predator and the like so in this area I'm an outcast in a way. And my family doesn't help. Yes I did beat her up on the grounds that I didn't want to have sex with a transwoman and basically be forced to do such. I had no issue with having sex with men I had sex with men for money food before I had a job because I wasn't getting my basic needs met or my brother's. so I had no issue with having sex with guys I thought I was sorta gay myself my older brothers people at school everyone called me derogatory names as far as being gay because of what I did those years. I just wanted to agree to it on my own terms and I didn't see what I was getting out of it and I felt like she was controlling me. I wasn't normally attracted to men and her having male genitals just bothered me. I didn't have sex with guys unless it was for money and I was in extreme need.


I know I made the wrong choice in beating her up. At the same time, I had been raped for 2 years by someone else when I was younger and kept telling adults and would just get more violent physical abuse. I learned I had to deal with it on my own. And at that point, I was trying to defend myself and I didn't know how to stop her. So I snapped. I felt like I had to do something.


I am aware I've always had control issues if I feel I'm being controlled I tend to have issues controlling outbursts in the sexual sense. Usually in normal relationships it's not a problem if my boundaries aren't invaded. I know two wrongs don't make a right I regret it a lot because it sent me on a past that cost me my life and a lot of trauma and struggles. If I could take it back I would.


I am ok with lgbt people. I'm straight myself. In the past though I had a lot of situations with gay men exploiting me. And of course I have issues. I have to work on from my own past. But in no way am I saying I have hate or anything for lgbt people in general. My dad was straight and he allowed and promoted my rapist to abuse me. Evil comes in all orientations faiths nationalities races and social standings. I'm well aware of that.


Edited by Threetimes19 (03/10/14 10:49 PM)

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#462468 - 03/12/14 04:15 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
Anyone else?

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#462476 - 03/12/14 08:11 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
It is often hard to say what is in our mind three times. and no one would want to see your situation become more complicated. and sometimes it is just that was cant see any good advice to give man. try to hold out and be strong. keep working on what it good for you in your recovery and let that person just be alone. you are not under obligation to be nice or even speak to her at all. I would simply leave if she comes around. if someone pins you down just make an excuse and leave. in all honesty they already have to know how awkward this has to be for you so I would just let them all know plainly that you will not have any part in anything she is involved in and leave it at that. you may look like a jerk but better that then make a bad situation worse.
again that is just my take on it man
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#462597 - 03/14/14 01:19 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
TwoSpiritRising Offline


Registered: 11/01/12
Posts: 32
I feel like it is really good that you are separating the sexual coercion you experienced and the--can i say it?--loss of control that you exhibited in response to it.

Feel your hurt. Trans identity is really loaded in our culture. I remember when I was outed as an experimenting bisexual and I felt like I was punched in the face. What she did was wrong (awesome pronoun use!) but the powder-keg underneath the wrongdoing was nothing else but her chosen gender identity and it's level of social acceptance. Even now my two spirit nature (having equal parts masculine and feminine that I accept about myself) is something I share only with a chosen minority. Shame is an extremely hard thing, related to the hurt of the socially constructed (and abused) self: "don't be a faggot, don't be a girl, etc."

Is physical violence common among you and your male friends?

I think you're going to want to get sober in your head. Assault is a serious charge. I think your doing great work, and it will all help you as your guilt or innocence is arbitrated. Hurt does not warrant violence, those who judge you believe and so do I. I feel like they believe that hurt and violence are not related either, which is a big stretch for me, honestly. I feel like they are the same, but one is "too far." Hurt doesn't warrant hurt, either, though. It warrants standing up, claiming your space, making your boundary known, and moving past it by feeling the pain. Sometimes it involves some kind of restoration from the other party, but often that is not for you to dictate. Take that advice as you will.

Perhaps you expected her pain to be restoration for her transgression? I think restoration requires consent. You did not have hers.

Have you managed to apologize to her, or, if that's not allowed, to at least formulate some kind of amends, for your own processing?

You are right. A big key to getting there is to recognize the feeling of violation. I think these kind of groups and threads can help. Have you read "Leaping over Mountains"? I think that's what it's called. It's really helpful to relate to other men who have experienced sexual abuse. I do regret some of the 'tough love' from a stranger, I felt like I had to give you. You probably have more on the way. You can trust, though, that I totally understand that gut-level sexual abuse is real in any way that it occurs. As it turns out, the "score" doesn't matter. It's everybody for themselves. Now, heal you. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but, welcome to the club, so have we all, here. Keep coming back. There is healing available to you and you will not only be back-to-normal at the end of it. You'll be better.

TwoSpirit


Edited by TwoSpiritRising (03/14/14 01:36 PM)

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#462617 - 03/14/14 04:59 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: TwoSpiritRising]
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
Originally Posted By: TwoSpiritRising
I feel like it is really good that you are separating the sexual coercion you experienced and the--can i say it?--loss of control that you exhibited in response to it.

Feel your hurt. Trans identity is really loaded in our culture. I remember when I was outed as an experimenting bisexual and I felt like I was punched in the face. What she did was wrong (awesome pronoun use!) but the powder-keg underneath the wrongdoing was nothing else but her chosen gender identity and it's level of social acceptance. Even now my two spirit nature (having equal parts masculine and feminine that I accept about myself) is something I share only with a chosen minority. Shame is an extremely hard thing, related to the hurt of the socially constructed (and abused) self: "don't be a faggot, don't be a girl, etc."

Is physical violence common among you and your male friends?

I think you're going to want to get sober in your head. Assault is a serious charge. I think your doing great work, and it will all help you as your guilt or innocence is arbitrated. Hurt does not warrant violence, those who judge you believe and so do I. I feel like they believe that hurt and violence are not related either, which is a big stretch for me, honestly. I feel like they are the same, but one is "too far." Hurt doesn't warrant hurt, either, though. It warrants standing up, claiming your space, making your boundary known, and moving past it by feeling the pain. Sometimes it involves some kind of restoration from the other party, but often that is not for you to dictate. Take that advice as you will.

Perhaps you expected her pain to be restoration for her transgression? I think restoration requires consent. You did not have hers.

Have you managed to apologize to her, or, if that's not allowed, to at least formulate some kind of amends, for your own processing?

You are right. A big key to getting there is to recognize the feeling of violation. I think these kind of groups and threads can help. Have you read "Leaping over Mountains"? I think that's what it's called. It's really helpful to relate to other men who have experienced sexual abuse. I do regret some of the 'tough love' from a stranger, I felt like I had to give you. You probably have more on the way. You can trust, though, that I totally understand that gut-level sexual abuse is real in any way that it occurs. As it turns out, the "score" doesn't matter. It's everybody for themselves. Now, heal you. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but, welcome to the club, so have we all, here. Keep coming back. There is healing available to you and you will not only be back-to-normal at the end of it. You'll be better.

TwoSpirit


I wasn't coerced. This is in female abusers section for a reason. It's about direct sexual abuse I dealt with from her.

She's actually a pedophile. Which is what bothers me more like what if she's doing things now what she did to me might be being done to other young unsuspecting or manipulated boys. Her gi has nothing to do with this.

I myself though can relate to your struggle of being teased for being gay all through high school even when I had a girlfriend. I'm sorry for what you went through.

I'm not violent unless I feel that I'm being sexually abused. She sexually abused me.

I'm not sorry to her for what I did. What she did to me was what caused everything. She shouldn't have ever touched me to begin with. I was just a child.


I'm sorry to myself that I lost control and didn't try to find someone who'd have helped me and put her behind bars or at least not next door where she could harass me. That's why I feel it's wrong.


It's so hard to heal with her around. I see her very often it takes me back and I try to forget about it but now I can't forget. With my male abusers, I don't feel I'm considered an automatic liar. With her it's hard for me to admit. I feel in the worst way deeper about it. I just want to stay and never come out sometimes.


Edited by Threetimes19 (03/14/14 07:58 PM)

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#462623 - 03/14/14 06:53 PM Re: Had issues with a transsexual. [Re: Threetimes19]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
Hey threetimes19
When I read your first post, I read "she was in her last yr at college, I was a freshman" as she was graduating college, you were just starting college. But I think you meant a freshman in highschool, yes? In Canada we wouldn't say freshman for highschool, we would just say grade 9, so just clarifying.
Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you were abused by this person, and that she continues to be in your life, that's really tough. I guess the best thing to do is to have very clear boundaries and take care of yourself, whatever that looks like to you. Good luck,
Ben

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