Newest Members
JHNebraska, mike42069, JACKL, Personman, SiegmundNYC
12490 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
kb8715 (114), rom2057 (57), terrapin (51)
Who's Online
2 registered (Bluedogone, BraveFalcon), 17 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12490 Members
74 Forums
64158 Topics
447704 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#462219 - 03/08/14 10:50 AM Portnoy has arrived!
Portnoy Offline


Registered: 03/08/14
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington State
I never read Portnoy's Complaint because I knew that the issues it confronted were mine. I wish I could write like Roth, though. I have a real hard time getting words out.

I've spent my whole life dancing around what happened. I don't deny the past---my sisters don't, either--but I never talked about it and sure didn't work it out. I was counseled way-back-when to not ask why, but to work on the behavioral problems caused by what happened. While that method kept me alive and out of prison, it kept me in the Prison of the Past.

I'm 56, white, muscled, pass as a 1% biker a lot sans tats. Never married, but not homosexual. No friends, live alone, self-employed. No kids, parents are dead these 25 years, no friends male or female. Love porn almost as much as my motorcycle. Don't drink, don't smoke dope (legal here in WA.).

I hate that "coulda-woulda-shoulda" whine, but I wish I would have worked through the horror 40 years ago. What happened ruined my life and I'm NOT to blame.

I'm not to blame for what happened nor for how those events formed me into who I am today. The events ruined my future and any hope for happiness. I do not use the events as an excuse for crime, but I NEED to use them as an excuse for my personality. There's no reason for me to shoulder the blame for my twisted outlook, when I had no say in my upbringing.

Not to say I'm going to walk around with a sign saying "It is their fault I can't interact with you".


Edited by Portnoy (03/08/14 12:07 PM)

Top
#462221 - 03/08/14 11:24 AM Re: Portnoy has arrived! [Re: Portnoy]
Landscape Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 40
Portnoy,

I'm sorry you need to be here.

You are welcome here. You will find an understanding and supportive group of men here who will listen.

You are not alone. We all have trouble sometimes getting the words out, and we are all in prisons of our pasts in one way or another. I am relatively new here. Like you, I spent years focusing on behaviors while suppressing the underlying issues. That wall is starting to crumble for me, and I hope it does for you as well.

You are worth it. You will find support, resources, discussions and chat. You have taken a huge step just being here and saying hello.

At this point in my journey, I have few words of wisdom, so I will tell you what others told me. Share only as much as you are comfortable. Go at your own pace. Don't forget to take care of yourself along the way.

Be well.
_________________________
--
"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out"

Top
#462222 - 03/08/14 11:54 AM Re: Portnoy has arrived! [Re: Portnoy]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hello Portnoy,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, and am getting tired of writing this refrain.
I am glad for you to have joined us.

I've never read Roth either, but reading anything longer than a forum post, is difficult for me. I lean toward audiobooks myself.

I think we have all faced the "coulda-shoulda-woulda", it to me is an illusory sense of control. The control we sorely lacked when we suffered abuse.

You are not to blame, and acknowledging this is a great realization.
I think speaking my truth, being heard, and understood by others with a similar history, as well as a good therapist has served me well thus far.

I too ride, and can't wait for better weather get out on my bike this year. It is one of the few times I am just aware of being. When the past is not present in my mind, just the moment, the scenery, the feeling of the wind, the vibrations of the bike etc. a temporary reprieve that is seeping into more and more of my life.

We all need to find the way that works for us, in order to truly heal.

Welcome, and I hope you can find the way that you too can can heal.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

Top
#462226 - 03/08/14 01:10 PM Re: Portnoy has arrived! [Re: Portnoy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3536
Loc: O Kanada
welcome to ms, portnoy.
thanks for the introduction.
after i dragged it out into the light,
the past began to lose its power over me.
i learned that i was more than my history.
i wish you well on your recovery.

i rode motorcycle for a few years.
gave it up after the accident.
too dangerous for me,
used to love it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#462244 - 03/08/14 09:43 PM Re: Portnoy has arrived! [Re: Portnoy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Portnoy
I'm not to blame for what happened nor for how those events formed me into who I am today. The events ruined my future and any hope for happiness. I do not use the events as an excuse for crime, but I NEED to use them as an excuse for my personality. There's no reason for me to shoulder the blame for my twisted outlook, when I had no say in my upbringing.....Not to say I'm going to walk around with a sign saying "It is their fault I can't interact with you".

Welcome Portnoy,

I'm about the same age as you and I DID read "Portnoy's Complaint" as a teenager. It was one of two dirty novels my parents had a round the house, the other being "My Life and Loves" by Frank Harris. I got alot of mileage out of those two books, if ya know what I mean.

You are right, the blame for what happened to you, and what followed in your life, falls squarely on the shoulders of your abusers. For me then, the question has become "what am I gonna do about it?" My answer has been regular therapy, AA, and MS. It has been facing all that has happened head on, changing ways of thinking and behaving, and worst of all, FEELING everything. As they say, the only way out is through it.

You've made a good start here. Keep it up!

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

Top
#462297 - 03/09/14 10:05 PM Re: Portnoy has arrived! [Re: Portnoy]
Portnoy Offline


Registered: 03/08/14
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington State
[post removed]


Edited by ModTeam (03/09/14 10:27 PM)
Edit Reason: ModTeam Action - Removed for targeted defamatory remarks

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.