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#462269 - 03/09/14 01:24 PM Trusting Him Again
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Well I am happy to report that my H has been back on his meds for 2 weeks now and is seeing his T again He really seems to be taking it seriously and has even started to open up to me again about his CSA which I am so proud of him for. He has uncovered some repressed memories of more abuse these last 2 weeks by another uncle and it just breaks my heart that he has suffered so much without any acknowledgement from his family! They continue to ignore humans what he is going through and I am so angry at them I could just scream! On a positive, note , he confided in a friend that he has know for years about his abuse and it turns out that his friend also was abused as a child. I think it is great that he has now found another male that he can open up to and relate to with all the pain he is going through and see that he is normal and not just some damaged man. The problem I am still facing is that I am having a very hard time believing that he is now telling me the truth, there have been so many lies over the last 2 months, I'm not sure how to start believing him again, I want to trust him so much but I am also so scared that he is just manipulating me again. This is such a confusing time and I still deeply love the man that he is underneath all his pain

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#462294 - 03/09/14 08:18 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZGIRL,

Glad to hear things seem to be turning around.
Discovering a mate with a similar history, can only be positive, I would think.

For me, I now value only those who can offer support, and the rest cannot help me so, painful or not I let them go. If time changes things so be it, but my recovery and my support network come first.

Trust is a tough one, for survivors, and also for repairing broken trust. All I can offer is... time and daily self checking. Thtis is how I have slowly built trust.
Take a few moments to be aware of how you're feeling, in particular those moments you question giving trust. Ask yourself if the feelings are true for you, or if it old stuff clouding your judgement. I found that it has mostly been old stuff getting in the way of my happiness. This regular realization happens wicker each time for me, and I remind myself of this and how the suspicion fades.

Not sure who said it, but it is true for me.... "This too shall pass".

Good news, relatively speaking.
Keep well, and keep at it.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462355 - 03/10/14 06:03 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Adam A Gedman

Thank you again for your support and great advise. A situation arose today that could have turned into a huge argument but I took your advise and found that it was the old stuff clouding this so I decided to trust what my H was saying. I guess only time will tell if he is telling the truth but I have my fingers crossed, I love him dearly

Thank you again for your great advise, it really is helping me!

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#462405 - 03/11/14 03:49 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
What a difference a day can make 😥. Last night was a terrible night, my H and I argued and he advised me that he doesn't think that he wants anymore help in dealing with his CSA and that he will most likely go off his meds again and stop seeing his T. I don't understand how he can do such an about face when he has made great progress in the last 2 weeks. He was really opening up to me again and now has completely shut down again. I am scared that this time he will just give up on everything and become a recluse as he has stated that is what he wants to do. I was hoping that his kids would encourage him to keep at it but even that seems to not be working as he has now stated that they would be better off without him. I keep supporting him and telling him how much his kids love and need their father happy and healthy but I don't know what else to do!

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#462418 - 03/11/14 10:00 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
YYZGIRL:

Your fears are based in reality and need to be felt and honored.

At the same time, it is also true that what looks like an about face might actually be a desperate attempt at setting some kind of limit, or some kind of boundary. The need to regain some control in the face of the overwhelming understanding that some things were never in his control -- that may be the roller coaster that has never been ridden.

Sometimes support is simply listening and acknowledging until more can be expressed. Hope you can hang in there.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#462451 - 03/12/14 08:52 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I could not bear to face my CSA as long as I felt it was partly my fault, that I consented, willingly responded physically.

As long as I felt like I wanted it, I was an unlovable piece of scum.

He sounds like he is wearing the guilt and shame like a cloak of death.

I'm sure the T has talked about it not being his fault. Sometimes I think they focus on feelings and events and miss that critical point.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#462666 - 03/15/14 10:38 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZGirl,

I am sorry to read of the unfortunate turn of events for you and your H.

Recovery is rife with ups and downs, times of high motivation as well as despair. Getting truly started can be the most difficult, at least for me.

I do not want to justify any dysfunctional behavior, but as I told a friend of mine recently, if you don't feed the dragon (give into anger and arguments), then the fire will likely go out. It takes patience, resolve and awareness. Reasoning in a crisis situation does work in my opinion. Reflection of what he seems to be feeling can help put out the fire, understanding and expressing what you may see as his fear, anger, frustration fulfills a need for empathy and understanding.

I hope that you both can find peace and stability through the current turmoil.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462700 - 03/15/14 09:27 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
YYZGirl,

Speaking from a victim/survivor's point of view and remembering what I've put my wife through over the years, you have my deepest sympathies.

We push away those who love us the most and rebel against everything and everyone who will do us the most good. It's warped in a way because you'd think we'd run and embrace the people that show us the greatest love and support. For me, it was a survival instinct - again warped - if I don't let someone get close to me then I won't be hurt/abused again.

Another dynamic that may be at play is, just as your husband gets closer to the fire in his recovery, he flees. He pushes you away, stops his meds and seeing his therapist. He's isolating. Makes you feel helpless, right? My wife went through the same thing. The most painful thing that she had to go through a few years ago when the dam broke, was to watch me collapse. All she could do was tell me that she loved me and would stand by me no matter what. She also stayed in contact with my therapist and get me quick appointments on those days when I was at my worst.

Now, that said, I'm back at MS after a 2 year break, I told my wife today that I'm having troubles and I've returned. It caught her completely off guard because I've been behaving so stable lately. She may be afraid of triggers and going through the roller coaster ride again. But! I'm here because I can see the signs of burying ahead. I'll do my level best to gain her confidence.

What do you do? Exactly what you're doing now. Fight the good fight my dear. We're worth the wait.

Rusty

BTW - my family IS NOT supportive at all. I don't associate with them because of their lack of support and ignorance. My mother even said I should "be over it" by now and that my therapist must not be doing her job right. I surround myself with people that at least attempt to try to understand and show compassion. I recommend you do the same, even it's just you and him.
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#462744 - 03/17/14 10:25 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Thank you all for your responses, I read them to my husband and he agreed that they did apply to him, I have been encouraging him to come on this site for support and am hoping that he will. I also got the book Victims No Longer and am reading it now to which my husband has said he will read it as well.

Well it was a weekend filled with ups and downs, my H went to say with his friend as the 2 of them are trying to deal with their abuse by talking each other, while I think this is a very positive step in his healing, it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. My H had a complete meltdown on Saturday.. The good news is that he finally told his father what happened and got complete acknowledgement and support.. Finally someone in his family cares a out his well being. While this was terrifying for him his reaction had been to now shut his father out abd tell him he is fine and that it doesn't really bother him?? I find this surprising as all he has wanted was to have someone in his family believe him and care hue he is. I am also worried that he is starting to obesses on his friends abuse and helping him. We have talked about abd and he thinks he may be doing that. I'm not sure how to deal with all thus as it is so confusing. On one hand I am so proud of him for doing all this yet his reaction after is puzzling to me. We also talked about why all physical and sexual contact has stopped between us as fir so long were were intimate both physically and mentally. His response was he is not sure why things have changed and that is all he would say. I am trying very hard to understand all that is going on but he is having such a hard time with all this it just breaks my heart to see him in so much pain!

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#462759 - 03/17/14 03:21 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZgirl,

Recovery is a roller coaster, and you're both finding that out first hand.
What may seem positive, can turn around and bite you in the A**.
This is not a reflection of anything you're doing, right or wrong, it just is a result of facing the inconceivable harm that was perpetrated against us, and trying to make sense of it.
My own realization is that, there is no sense to made of it, it is senseless, and insane.

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things, so try to give yourself some credit.
The fact that you are talking to him about all this will only help.
Whether you see it or not, you're developing trust with him, he may not even see it yet, but it is happening.

If I could offer some additional insight, from my own perspective.
Although we may want to deal with the abuse we suffered, and feel great motivation up front, once immersed in it, it can become overwhelming quite quickly.
Emotions that we had buried for so long, are now right up close and in the forefront of our minds, and very difficult to face.
All I can offer is the tactics I described to you already, and a reminder that it will get easier.

I like the fact that he has found someone close with a similar history.
When you describe the observed obsessing over his friends abuse, you describe how I felt, and still do feel to some extent to this day.
I could see more harm done to someone else than I could with myself. We tend to minimize the abuse we suffered.
I get more out of helping someone else than addressing my own issues. I see it as kind of a backdoor way of seeing my own issues.

He likely has significant anger towards his family for not protecting him as he believes they should have. He may not be aware of these feelings but his reaction is very familiar.

As far as intimacy between the two of you, I cannot explain it either, but my interest vanished as well.
If it is confusing for you, it is likely just as confusing for him. For me it took time, not completely back yet, but my wife and I do share intimacy again.

Overall, the abuse we suffered taught us to disconnect from our emotions.
Reconnecting with them is the onerous task we face.
The emotions we locked out were painful beyond our comprehension, so dealing with them as adults, can take us right back to the time of the abuse, and what we were experiencing at that time.

I think every CSA survivor would be lucky to have someone so concerned for their well being, as you seem to be.

Take Care and Keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462785 - 03/18/14 12:38 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Evening YYZgirl,

I concur with Kevin with some additional observations.

It makes sense to me that your husband would have a "melt down" after spending time with his friend. It can be a very, very intense experience to share your past with another abused person. Very raw. When I first "came out" so to speak, I had a complete melt down as well. The dam broke. All of the memories came rushing back. Panic attacks. Raging. Weeping at work. it took a good 2 years before I could settle down. Talking to other men here opened my eyes even more. It's a very overwhelming time. You may see more. You may not. Our recovery, your recovery, is such a lengthy and difficult journey and this is an overused expression but, hang in there. We're worth the wait.

Rusty

P.S. Not to be too, too personal but we too often have trouble with intimacy and physical contact. Add to that an admission of sexual abuse and all bets are off. To touch or be touched can be uncomfortable. DO NOT take it personally. Remember that you married for better or for worse. Well, you're in the later. You're in the midst of a complete upheaval. Your relationship has just made a monumental shift. If the most intimate contact that you have with each other is conversation, then let that suffice for now and if you can sneak in a hand hold or a peck on the cheek a time or two then good for you. wink
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#463800 - 04/07/14 12:49 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
It's had been a bit since I have posted on here as things have been a bit crazy to say the least. Things with my husband have not been going well at all, he is back on his meds again and seeing his therapist weekly and I am proud of him for that as it looks like this time he is finally really dealing with his issues but I am having a very hard time with it, he has such incredible anger now and days and does things that are so hurtful to me, I find myself buying into this anger even though consciously I know that I shouldn't it's just so hard when he is saying such hurtful things to me. I am also still having a very hard time trusting him as with the exception of 1 time, he never follows through on his promises. I guess I am just venting now and hoping for some encouragement that things will get better as I love him so much and want to be there for him but he is making it so hard

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#463842 - 04/08/14 07:58 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: Rusty563]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Originally Posted By: Rusty563
Remember that you married for better or for worse. Well, you're in the later. You're in the midst of a complete upheaval. Your relationship has just made a monumental shift. If the most intimate contact that you have with each other is conversation, then let that suffice for now and if you can sneak in a hand hold or a peck on the cheek a time or two then good for you.

I don't want to hijack YYZgirl's thread, but I have to ask: How long is "for now"? I'm quite aware that I married for better or for worse, I was just assuming that there would be "for better" parts in there somewhere as well.

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#463858 - 04/08/14 02:49 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I just feel like there has to be positive TRENDING in the big picture - that's how I have always answered the HOW LONG question.

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#463893 - 04/09/14 02:05 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
I have to agrees somewhat with the previous post, I understand that there ups and downs in every relationship and times when one partner has to hold things up to support the other but what happens when I am falling and my husband doesn't seem to care, yells at me , runs away from home for days and constantly lies.

Yesterday my H announced he is stopping his meds and seeing his therapist again, I am trying to stay positive that he is just in the pains of his recovery and does not really mean it but I am in pins and needles that he will be true to his word I am tired of worrying myself sick every time he goes to work if he is going to come home, I am tired if being lied to and then made to feel that it is all in my mind and I am crazy and am tired of being treated like i dont exist I want to be there to support him and help him anyway I can but not sure how much more I can take. This type of behavior has only been happening in the last 5 months

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#463973 - 04/11/14 04:24 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Hey there,

Reading these relationship posts just makes me mad as hell as to the lack of information out their and support for not only men, but also their spouses. I wish I could say I was a model citizen, but I'm not. I'm a man, horribly abused as a child, who mad bad choices but were the best I thought at the time.

I don't want to spark a debate here...but it's sufficient to say that "meds" can be and are often abused by survivors as a way to escape. My doctor thought he was helping me, but I was so medicated all the time there was no way for me to do the hard work and to recover. I do think meds have a time and a place in treatment, particularly in the beginning as we deal with flashbacks and anxiety attacks, etc.

That being said...when I look back at all the pills I was taking...it ultimately held me back. My therapist asked me to do a week of bootcamp...meaning therapy every day first thing in the morning...and the rule...I could not be medicated.

She said I could take them after therapy, but I'm a rip the bandaid off kind of guy and I went cold turkey against my therapist and my doctor's recommendation. For me....it worked. Once I got off the drugs (xanax, painkillers, muscle relaxers) I got a clarity of thought and focus that I had forgotten.

I made my most progress only AFTER....I went off the medication. With your husband, be careful....he may be telling you he wants off the medication because he doesn't like what it does to him. I totally understand that. As long as he isn't a danger to himself...maybe not taking his meds would be helpful....BUT....only if he is in the hands of a skilled therapist and he is wanting to do the work. He will seek to get better....but when he is ready to do it. It cannot be forced. All you can do is be patient, love him, and keep your own self safe.

Hang in there....it does get better...there are lots of obstacles now and in the future...but there is hope if you are both effectively communicating, being open and honest in all things, and committed to healing.

Lastly...recognize that we are the best actors and liars in the world. We will tell you what you want to hear to keep from facing our fears. Unconditional love is the best medicine.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

P.S. If you would like help or support from a woman's perspective let me know. My wife has become quite the expert in this field. Man I love that woman.

L2LME

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#464004 - 04/12/14 10:45 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Thank you learningtoluvme for your response, I do agree that many people are over medicated my husband is only on a mild anti depressant and it is the lowest does possible I am happy to say that he is taking his meds and had a 1.5 hr session with his therapist yesterday

You are so correct in saying that there really is no information and support out there for wives and family members , we are left to travel this maze on our own with no direction, thank g-d for MS

I am hoping that this week will bring some positive interactions btw my husband and I and will do everything I can to ensure this happens as I just love that man so much

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#464012 - 04/12/14 02:05 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Well looks like my last post was a waste of time , no sooner did I post it and get home that my husband advised me that again he was going to work today after it was supost to be out day together where he didn't run out and leave me alone again, when I got upset with him the abuse ( not physical) started, he threatened to leave me alone again and then packed his bags and left I have given everything in me to try and support him but the what he has become is now becoming to much to bear, I deserve so much better than the piece of garbage he is now treating me like Sorry for venting

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#464131 - 04/15/14 07:25 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
YYZGirl,

Has your husband spoken to many of us from MS? I'd be happy to correspond with him either in private via email or in the chatroom. Speaking from my own experience, I am more than willing to help him and you through these difficult times.

Regards,
L2LME

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#464137 - 04/15/14 08:44 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
L2LME,

My husband has joined was was reading threads on here but is now saying that he is going to delete his profile and is done with everything. Thank you very much for your offer of support, I will pass it along to him but right now I am not sure if he will accept it. He is so angry at everything and has such rage that I'm not sure how much help he will accept. I am nearing the end of my rope of being his dumping ground, no matter how or what I do his is hell bent on his own self distruction

Thank you again for your kind offer of support

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#464150 - 04/16/14 10:49 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Ok. I know and understand this stage. My offer stands if he wants a rational independent ear to listen. Being a survivor we all here understand better than anybody and we are great listeners. Best of luck to you and your husband.

L2LME

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