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#441558 - 07/21/13 12:49 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Hey dave,

I gave this a lot of thought since you brought up the subject and the bottom line is what the fuck matters if I'm gay. I think she would also think that way but why take the chance of freaking out the wife if she is challenged by the fact that her husband is gay. I have nothing from it if I do tell her. Why stir up a bees nest for no reason. Would I want to leave her, no.

I know of guys who either lost their wives or separated and just took up an openly gay lifestyle. This is not the '60s and I'm not scared of being called a faggot. I would even go around with a name tag with my name "Jeff Faggot". But I don't think I will outlive my wife so there are no questions for me to ask anymore, it just becomes a mute point when you have the right partner.

Hope you're doing OK

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441564 - 07/21/13 01:27 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Personally, how did I know...???

You know, with all the emasculation, feminization of my past, coupled with the fact that, I had herniated testicles and lost one of them...(I have concluded, as a result of this nature/nurture dynamic, that I often feel bi-gender at times), and if this is the case, then sometimes I feel like half a girl, and other times I totally switch, from one gender to the other.(so, I absolutely get where you said, "you felt damaged and less than other boys)...

And if I am hypothetically intimate with a man, when I am a girl, does this make me straight...??? (questions like these lead me down the road of mental master...

My first point is that, I am guessing, I am not the only one here that has issues concerning ones own sexual identity (and obviously I have to ask this question first). Who I am, before I ask, how I relate to others.

~break~

What I am trying to get at is, that there have been times in my journey, when trying to force the answers, and all I ended up doing was driving myself rather psychotic.

Upon reflection, I believe it impossible to "unring" the bell of life. (that is, not all questions have answers...i.e which came first, "the chicken or the egg...

A term that afforded me relief along the way: "pomosexual" (see urban dictionary)...added to Carl Jung's thoughts on androgeny, in stating that these people were more balanced in the duality of being in contact with both there masculine and feminine sides...(this leads me to believe that this is perhaps, more of a blessing than a curse).

All I really know is the difference between the glass that is half empty, and the one that is half full, is a matter of perspective.

(acceptance leaning towards serenity, that it is o.k. to not have all the answers).


Broken Wings (Mr. Mister)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#441590 - 07/21/13 09:20 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Hey Island,

I would like to mention that the chicken and the egg came at the same time. The chicken was in the egg grin.

I think your outlook on your issues is just fine. It's the first time I heard the word or description "pomosexual". While knowing I'm gay is a blessing in disguise. I don't really know if it defines me, I'm just me.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#441724 - 07/22/13 09:47 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:44 PM)

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#462021 - 03/04/14 04:28 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
9699 Offline


Registered: 01/28/14
Posts: 1
Loc: California
What you said was powerful, I had to edit what I said in the previous post because it didn't sound right, for me what I had experienced was me being brainwashed and this happened for 4 years. I did what he told me to do and it did not seem like there was anything wrong because he he was very subtle and I didn't have a close relationship with my dad and so he was like my dad in many ways. I wish it never happened but it did and I am feeling responsible for being taken advantage of to a point. I am gay and I feel that before the molestation I never felt that way.


Edited by 9699 (03/13/14 02:01 AM)
Edit Reason: I had a lot of typos

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#462040 - 03/04/14 09:39 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Welcome to the site 9699,
All abuse is terrible but there is something particularly twisted and horrific about what you describe.
Glad you have come to this site, hope you find it helpful.
Welcome again

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#462202 - 03/07/14 09:32 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
Threetimes19 Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 14
I never considered myself gay because I don't look at men in a sexual manner. I've always known this it's kind of innate just like my brothers what bothered me more was my physical reaction though. I feel much of the time like really I can't identify as straight because of my past really with the SA and CSA. Because I did it willingly and thought I liked it. But I never looked at boys my age at the time. And as I got older I just got more of an attraction to females.


Edited by Threetimes19 (03/07/14 10:52 PM)

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#462216 - 03/08/14 05:24 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 664
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Dave,

I have to say I find this topic very humanizing. There seems to be so much energy in the world invested in very narrow definitions of who I am and what is acceptable. What is so refreshing in this post is how different we all are. For me, most of the problems in my life are reduced to the fallout from not measuring up to the social pressures to conform--to conform to a normal that is not even close to who I am. As I lose outer notions of who I am supposed to be, I find what is natural for ME. And, for the first time I am beginning to feel a comfort in my own skin.

I have always been gay, and have also sustained severe SSA damage. So, the effects of the abuse, from both parents, is to have made it impossible for me to have satisfying intimacy with another man. HOWEVER, I do not give up. Soon to be 65, I continue to heal and I continue to grow. I'm not looking, but if an interesting man seeks me out, you better believe I'll have a conversation.

Thanks Dave for the topic. It makes all my differences feel so normal.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462264 - 03/09/14 11:00 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
It is an interesting thread and I have read through several times since it began in July. I find the opinions and expressions of sexuality to help immensely. The comments help me to not feel so far out in left field. I will share that my views are similar. The biggest difference is that when I was married, I was straight married. When I found myself single by death, I found that I enjoyed m2m encounters. SSA or an emerging "gayness"? I don't know which. I don't spend much time contemplating on the issue these days because the goal of healing is learning to love yourself. But, the thing always missing with the SSA encounters for me was true intimacy, feeling something deep, being held, being listened to…. true intimacy. I found it for a brief time with a male, but that ended with the disaster of ASA. Since that time, I have been very careful NOT to let emotions enter in … until recently.

Regardless, what I am trying to express is that we sometimes spend so much energy trying to determine our orientation, when what we should be tuning into is the chance to love, to feel loved, to enjoy what Geoff and Jeff have, a true partner in life. Male or female. I have discovered that I just need to calm it down, chill it out, and enjoy the new life I am establishing. Our heart will let us know when things are right, and when they aren't- if we just open up to everyday. (which I am working on, but it is SOOOOO hard to trust!)

Thanks, Dave for the topic also. And to the guys who have my respect for their honesty and healing insight.


Edited by ThisMan (03/09/14 11:18 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#463437 - 03/30/14 08:00 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Sup guys...

This topic has had a few threads lately. It was the bottom of the barrel for me. The thing down there that scared me.

The CSA monster for me, and only my feelings here, it is about shame. The shame had a double dose. My internal shame, and the fear of society hating me as a broken person.

The gay thing is undeniable. It haunted me. Made me feel dirty. Back wheni was a kid it was a curse. So it felt like my CSA totally defiled me on the inside and out.

What has helped is saying it, or rather typing it out here. Gradually it is less shameful. It took months before I could type out in words that when I was 7 I spent lots of time sucking a cock. But the power of the shame associated with that confession of abuse is fading. It just does not define me.

For same sex attraction? I was groomed and idolized my abuser. I liked it. He did me. I liked that too. I escaped drunken abusive parents to him. Not getting hit and screamed at, and feeling perversely wanted was good. Yes. I had that attraction for a while.

But now, the social acceptance of gays takes some of that sting away. Not that I am gay, but it just isn't a big deal. It is a choice.

The shame of CSA, that is enough. It is ok I enjoyed servicing him as a striated little kid. I have accepted it. And I feel less anxiety in life. So what? It just does not matter.

Like what you like and own it. We survived way to much evil shit happening to us to not enjoy the sex we like.

I wish you freedom, and the courage to be yourself.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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