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#461919 - 03/02/14 09:10 PM Handling all this BS from the past.
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Hey Guys,

I have been on the boards from time to time, nothing special just seeing if I can get a better understanding of everything. I am in therapy, and have seen many great changes which I am proud of. Though, I do see the past coming into play at times too. At a simple high level, I came from a very physical and mentally abusive home. I was sexual abused by more then I care to admit too. The details I don't feel are real important to the board right now. And, on top of all this I am a gay male.

In the big picture of everything I know I have more then enough shame that it could fill a football field, and it is this shame is a demon when it comes to the past and moving forward. You may be asking how I know this. I have done tons of reading and work to becoming more healthily mentally. I recently heard a quote which really opened my eyes greatly! Which made me make some major changes in my life. So much so that I don't have any friends anymore. It is funny people have told me over the years that I give great advice, and you know what I have because I have been doing the work to fix myself. Because of this quote, I noticed that many people where leaning on me. Friends and a business partner who where manipulating spouses, friends or others and acting in a way that I would never because of my past. So, I had many frank conversations with them and told them I could not be part of their lives anymore, because what they are doing today is what I grow up with and I could not be associated with it. I truly learned that I am a people pleasure, I will do what ever I can to have people like me of course with in reason, yet others don't do the same for me.

So the reason for my post, I know I have buried greatly many things that have happened to me. So much so that I can't even be with them to feel the emotions. And this has been the same experience in therapy. I am trying to tap into them, wondering if I write in the 3rd person if that would help. Basically looking at my life as a movie and writing what I feel for that poor child that had these experiences. Has anyone tried doing such?

One thing I do know, is I have TONS of shame for my past, which I know in my mind is not my fault but my body doesn't know that, and also for being gay.

Post by 1lifenow really opened my eyes to it, and today at the gym, I truly fault my body reacting. There where a few people there who I have interest in and clearly they do to in me, but I have this look on my face of stay the hell away from me, I could see it in the mirror and feel it in my body. My heart was racing and I was shaking so much. Totally crazy!

I know that this is going to be part of me until I get past the shame, but I am at a loss on how to do it. Even when I am in therapy and we try to look into, I get this fog, and overwhelming sense of danger which is crazy.

So if anyone has some insight on how they did such, I would be happy to hear. Because this is not living. Christ, I recently adopted a dog(8 months ago), which I have wanted for years yet I feel I don't have a connection to her at all, and it bugs me.

Thanks guys, looking forward to the insight so I can hopefully get past this.

Quote I was referencing -

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein

Sorry for any grammar issues, it is really hard for me to put this in black and white.

-

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#461926 - 03/02/14 11:21 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Have you ever read the book The Velvet Rage? It is one of my favourite and tremendously helpful for gay men seeking to improve their approach to life.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#461929 - 03/02/14 11:25 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Jaybro yes I have that is where I learned greatly, all the shame that I am harboring. Finally was able to give a term to it.

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#461934 - 03/02/14 11:51 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 396
Loc: west coast
Love your name standing strong!

Sorry to hear the shame keeps you frozen, I understand that prolonged prisoner in chains emotion. Without knowing why, we allow a soul crushing sense of inadequacy to somehow rule us. It doesn't have to.

If it's ok to ask what was the post that "opened your eyes"?

Shame is such bullshit, I am not sure where that sense of danger you feel is coming from as you are working through it. All I can say is that for me it took mostly understanding that I am entitled to feel what I feel without the judgement. Not from any sense of what others will feel about me, or expectations of bullshit societal rules that have no business meddling into my sexuality and what truly makes my heart sing. I didn't "want" to be gay, it's not easy. But in the end it's harder suppressing some that when finally allowed to be unbridled, unflinching and un-apologetic, is so effing fabulous! How can that be shameful?

Lose fear and you lose shame.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#461983 - 03/04/14 06:08 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 667
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Standingstrong,

My experience at 64 is there is a natural process at work in me all the time. It has taken me decades to understand this, and most of the pain in my life was due to simply not understanding what was going on with myself. So, it takes a great deal of trust in oneself to just trust the process. My system naturally surfaces what is ready to be dealt with when it can be dealt with. I just began remembering sexual abuse from my mother last year at age 63. Some really bad shit went down with me, and it just took until last year for all of me to be ready to handle it.

I understand a lot about working through shame about being gay. What I have to say about it is that it was all learned, and it's not true. Part of living is taking what we have been taught and accepted as true, and examining it with a PERSONAL critical eye. Just because a lot of people say something is true does not make it true. Your truth is something you will come to for yourself.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#461985 - 03/04/14 07:16 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey strong

Your eyes are opening- and you are not hiding.

Inspiring.

You are starting to see things clearly and fearlessly- that is the driving engine of recovery and healing.

Separating myself from the shame and messages that were inflicted upon me was liberating. It still is a practice I continue to reap rewards from.

And owning my choices and behavior - however difficult that may be- makes me stronger and helps me do better and make better choices.

All of this honesty helped me see how my choices and behaviors as an adult really reactivated and re- energized the shame about my sexuality and who I thought I was - I had to stop reinflicting this damage and start a new path.

So keep moving forward and shedding the past so you can claim your life.

"I am not who I was. I am becoming who I was meant to be."

The truth WILL set you free- even if it feelsike hell first. wink
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#462048 - 03/04/14 11:13 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I agree with Mountainous B.that your eyes are opening. The start of sanity is surely seeing that what we are doing over and over again is not working and that it is time to try something new.

I have become less of a people pleaser and helper, I am better now at accepting help form others. Growing up in my family I felt shame about my needs as they were mostly ignored or ridiculed so I tried to not have any, meeting the needs of others felt more comfortable, but of course I ended up feeling resentful when my own needs/wants remained unfulfilled.

On the shame, I found that in therapy it gets healed while dealing with the incidents that produced it, shame being the product of humiliation, it is scary going there, sometimes it feels unbearable and I do get either foggy blurred vision or get body freezing dissociation. I can eventually feel the hurt and pain and bring some compassion and love to the hurting child I was and each time I do it the shame gets a bit less.

As for the dog I guess just taking care of her is the start of connection even if you don't yet feel it, the feeling of connectedness will come as you connect more with yourself.

As for feeling ashamed of being gay, in my head I have no shame about it, I have been with my partner many years and love him, when I am with him I know that my gayness is good. But shame can leak out and infect even the good things of life. Being gay is about who we love, who we are intimate with and who we have sex with, the sexual abuse leaves a legacy of shame and fear around intimacy, so it can feed into our feelings about our sexuality making it harder to ignore the crap that gets thrown at us.

Such are my two cents.

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#462074 - 03/05/14 10:49 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Moutions, I could have not said it better myself. My T, has said in order to heal I have to connect the emotions of the past. It is strange I know the "things" happened too me But I have placed them some where I never have to deal with them mentally but clearly my body does. I think the best example would be getting in a bad car accident, yet knowing it happened but not knowing all the details of it. I think this what has kept me safe.

I am very grateful to the point in which I am at today, but I know there is more out there for me. But, I seem to get highjacked because of fear and shame. Thinking basically that all strangers are bullies and going to cause harm.

In my professional life people are amazed that I am a wall flower when it comes to my personal life. And when it comes to emotions I just can't be with them as I feel it shows weakness.

My shame is connected to two things, the items that where done to me, and my sexuality. My mind knows I didn't deserve the things which happened to me, but my buddy still thinks so and it trues to keep me safe. When there is no need for it.

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#464912 - 05/03/14 10:37 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 26
Loc: CA desert
Hi Standingstrong,
I am reading a book right now, by John Bradshaw,, Healing the Shame that Binds.
It is helping me so much… not done, so I won't tell you how it ends.

A dear friend told me, you gotta love yourself first, you gotta forgive yourself.
In therapy thats what i am trying to do. Put all of me back together the way that best defines who i am, who i want to be and who i will become.

I have been single now for over a year, after a 17 year gay relationship. I was not loving my self back then. And possibly not loving him either (sad but true). Luckily, Today i am finding out that I am ok, and loving my self more. Being single and loving myself is a big step for me.

Any work that brings up the inner child is appreciated. Get that kid and you on the same page… Fun, love, spontaneity should prevail. But we unfortunately live in our heads and not in our heart where our inner child resides.

Time to get rid of those old tapes that in the past used to define us (when we were being abused and had to survivor). We are men now, free to roam and be free. But our Past wants to come along and shade the pathway.
Curses be Gone!!!

Standingstronger… keep on getting stronger and each day you will. Love the man you are. You are lovable. You are worthy. And you have a RIght.

Sorry for being all over the place. Just wanted to share what i felt, and at the moment, being all over the place,, sounded appropriate.

Take care and stand Tall
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#465133 - 05/09/14 12:28 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York

Originally Posted By: standingstrong
....
So the reason for my post, I know I have buried greatly many things that have happened to me. So much so that I can't even be with them to feel the emotions. And this has been the same experience in therapy. I am trying to tap into them, wondering if I write in the 3rd person if that would help. Basically looking at my life as a movie and writing what I feel for that poor child that had these experiences. Has anyone tried doing such?

One thing I do know, is I have TONS of shame for my past, which I know in my mind is not my fault but my body doesn't know that, and also for being gay......
As far as burying your past I hid my past, so much so that I lost track of what I was hiding. I guess I can call that burying. When I finally faced my past after about 40 years of hiding the shame and guilt kicked in. I also know most of it was not my fault and I'm working through it all as best as I can and on top of that I am also gay.

The emotions will come and that's a beginning to healing and not something to be afraid of. Writing in 3rd person will not help because that 3rd person is you and that person should be guilt and shame free. That boy is you and not some 3rd person. on top of that you were a gay boy and are now a gay man.

As you are here you will be able to work through your past. you will see that the boy that is now in 3rd person is you and then the healing can start in full swing. I also saw that boy in me as a replay of the movie I have seen many times. Since my collapse almost 3-1/2 years ago I finally realize that boy is me and not in the movies anymore, not someone else. I wished he wasn't me but the hiding portion of my life is over and now I can get down to working on the guilt and shame and put my past in it's proper place - the past. I am very far from that goal but I am on my way.

I am sorry you had to come here but you will have a bunch of guys who are ready to help in anyway they can. You will heal but your past will be your past and not some movie replaying over and over together with the guilt and shame.

Read the stories of men that came here for the same reason you came and join in. there are plenty of people who can help. In helping them you will heal yourself, join in as much as you are able.

On top of my hiding, guilt and shame I find that I am also gay. That is something to be proud of and not ashamed of, there should be no guilt associated with that fact.

For me all this is still a work in progress.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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