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#462045 - 03/04/14 11:00 PM my husband is acting out
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Lately, my husband is a few hours late home from work every single day. When he finally gets home, he smells of alcohol and falls asleep on the couch within 30 min. He says he is just going to a park and drinking and then coming home. That is bad enough, but it is beginning to feel exactly like when he was having the last affair. I feel like I can hang in there and handle all the hell that goes with a survivor, but another affair??? I think I would break. Also, the kids think he is just late because he is such a hard worker and is putting in overtime. While I am left cooking dinner with a smile on my face, trying to pretend everything is ok. When, really, I am screaming inside. Sometimes I take a shower and lay down in the tub and let the water hit my face as I cry and cry and cry. I am safe in there. The kids won't see me. I feel like I am enabling him by not telling the kids the truth, but at the same time is that something that needs to be shared with our children???? It is our grown up business. I don't want to cross over a boundary. Currently he is 2 hours late with no phone call. I just finished cooking dinner. I snuck in my room to type this, but I will go back out in a second and try to engage with my kids normally when all i want to do is run away. I am mostly mad at myself. Who allows someone to treat them this way? Why can't I set a boundary and stick to it. I am scared. I am scared of setting the boundary and having it be over. I used to be such a strong person. I always stood by my morals and values. I am just completely broken now..........

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#462046 - 03/04/14 11:05 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
I also want to add that he stopped going to therapy for awhile. When he tried to call the therapist to set up appointments again, the therapist never called him back. He says he feels like he left a piece of his soul in the therapists office and doesn't feel like he could start all over with someone new. ugh!

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#462047 - 03/04/14 11:06 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
And! I don't know how to get rid of that stupid smiley face by my name......definitely not feeling that right now! haha! Ok, i just made myself laugh a little.. Here I go, back out to join the kids!

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#462052 - 03/04/14 11:56 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
well, even if nothing else, I know how to help with the smiley face... but i'm very tempted to think that i shouldn't tell you how to change it, just so you'll have a little something to laugh about whenever you log on. wink
_________________________
Ever hate how every single time that you read a post, you read the signature like it's part of that post? Yeah, me too.

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#462080 - 03/05/14 01:59 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
A link to an old post of mine....
May you find the courage to claim the life you deserve

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5459#Post405459

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#462085 - 03/05/14 05:02 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
BW,

Your posts reveal a lot of pain. I am sorry, we survivors sometimes get deep into our thoughts and forget, ignore, or push away those who love us. We sometimes get so caught up in whatever vices we've chosen, we tend to damage our most valuable relationships. We don't wake up until those we've hurt are cornered into speaking up.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you've been through this before and you know the causes and symptoms. Your frustration sounds like it comes from a place of a devoted wife and life partner who is trying to manage the situation -alone- for the best of the marriage and the family.

You already know this, but perhaps it will help to read it:
You cannot fix him.

He has demonstrated that he is not going to fix it on his own.

You can find a way to manage and maneuver your way through whatever the future is bringing, but you will weather it much better with professional input.

I encourage you to seek guidance from a professional therapist who is well versed in male survivor issues.

The worst two things to do would be to passively endure and suffer through it or to take the advice of a well-meaning friend, family member, or religious authority figure; male survivor issues can be quite complex and they require a knowledgeable professional. With the right guidance, this situation may turn around and heal quicker than you could imagine.

I ache for you and your children as well as your husband. It shouldn't be this way, but you and your children will suffer the fallout of your husband's symptoms if he and you do not seek professional guidance through this time.

Rest assured, there IS hope, there IS help, and there most certainly IS healing to be found ahead: but you must travel there. And if he won't make the journey, you must embark on it right away to secure your and your children's health and happiness.

Please take courage in knowing that you are surrounded with resources and support if you can find the strength to reach for them through the veil of pain. Although it may feel like it, you most definitely are not alone.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#462143 - 03/06/14 06:29 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Broken,

I see the pain in your post, and to quote a post from victor-victim " the ruler of the universe" in me, the guy who SO wants to help fix everything just doesn't really have much to offer in terms of your survivor husband.
I will say though that you are important, and you are worth it, so take time for you in whatever capacity that may take, Al-anon, therapy, whatever. You too need support.

Additionally, and though you don't mention the age of your kids, they are likely aware of something that is not quite right. As a child, I was well aware that there were issues, problems etc, even though both my parents feigned a happy household.
They may learn in fact that you both are human, and fallible, and that you can face problems head on, and deal with them in an adult manner. You can demonstrate that life isn't always a bowl of cherries, and happiness takes work sometimes.
Maybe had I been given this demonstration, I would have addressed the abuse I suffered years or decades earlier.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

Take care
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462165 - 03/07/14 03:09 AM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Thank you everyone. Well, tonight is the start of something......maybe the beginning of the end? not sure. My husband should be home between 6 and 630 pm. Tonight I got the text at 8:40 pm that he was going to be late, that he drank too much. Now was my chance. I wanted to tell him to not come home, but I wanted to finally have an open conversation with my kids. Finally, when the oldest got home at 10:30, I texted my husband. I said I love you. I want you in my life, but this behavior is unacceptable. This is not how married partners behave. It is not fair to me or the kids. I also tried to call him twice and he couldn't be reached. I wanted to tell him that I was no longer going to pretend he was at work to the kids. I then texted him...I wish I could get a hold of u but I can't. Please don't come home tonight, just stay wherever you are. I then sat my kids down and told them that dad hasn't been working late every night. I told them he had some very bad things happen to him as a child and he stuffed the memories down for almost 40 years. I said he can longer stuff his memories and he is drinking to dull the pain and escape. I sad because of his pain he is acting like someone i don't know and he is not being a very good partner in the marriage or to our family. I said he is not behaving with honesty and trust. They cried. They said they had no idea. They thought he just worked really hard and fell asleep because he was so tired. Although, one of them said that last week he heard my husband pull in the driveway and his car was on for an hour. Finally my son went out and knocked on the window and my husband was asleep. He finally opened the door and my husband still didn't wake up until my son shook him. My son said looking back i thought that was weird, but just really thought how sad that he is that tired. On the one hand I feel a little relieved. I assured them that I love dad and he loves me and them, but he can't continue down this path and I no longer can enable him. At the same time, I feel like I have shattered their innnocence and their idea of who their dad is. I told them that I will always be open with them and I am always here for them. It is midnight my time. I don't think I will sleep tonight. Thank God tomorrow is Friday.....actually today.

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#462167 - 03/07/14 03:12 AM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
I did not go into detail about the bad things that happened to him as a child. I explained to them that he is unable to really even share with me, but I said what I do know I don't feel is my place to share. They didn't press me. I also did not share about the affairs. They were angry and disappointed and I said I am too, but I also reminded them that this is coming from a place of pain and not that he just doesn't want to be home. I told them he is running from his pain......And I notice I no longer have the smiley face by my posts, so thanks whoever did that!

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#462168 - 03/07/14 03:12 AM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
PS My kids are teenagers and young adults.

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#462169 - 03/07/14 03:14 AM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
ugh never mind! The F*%king smileys are back!

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#462170 - 03/07/14 03:47 AM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Brokenwife,
it was very nice for me to read how you were honest with your kids and that you shared all your concerns with them. I hope your husband would finally try to take some action and look for help.
You are very brave woman, mother and partner. Your husband was very lucky man to have such wise spouse as support.
I hope everything will be alright; it is great to see some smiles coming back wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#462184 - 03/07/14 01:33 PM Re: my husband is acting out [Re: Brokenwife]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
Brokenwife,

It is not your fault that you are put in this situation.

Neither is it your fault that you have been forced into managing the family alone during this season of events.

It is healthy and proper to establish the boundaries of unacceptable behavior, especially abandonment and disrespect.

You sound like you have a good portion of courage, compassion, and wisdom to work with. Those are powerful attributes that will get you and your family through this time.

Your children are of the age that they may demonstrate moments of great support and courage. Take in and acknowledge those moments of their maturity, forgive the moments of their faltering (perhaps lashing out) in their young years, and remember that you are wiser and stronger than you believe or feel you are.

The incident a few weeks ago regarding your husband asleep in the car for an hour.... was he passed out, or did he do that intentionally? How far is his mind running with thoughts of self-destruction? Please, for the sake of all involved, find out the details of that incident, directly but compassionately discuss it with him, and find out if he has any thoughts of intentionally harming himself. If he has a plan to harm himself, please do not hesitate for a second; call 911 immediately and get professionals to intervene.

Again, I encourage you to introduce a professional therapist into this situation, as a therapist trained in this area will make all the difference in your health and the outcome of this situation. All is most definitely not lost.

I echo the well-wishes of the others here. It is quite possible your husband will find his path to healing and will return to being the man who first won your heart.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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