Newest Members
CC Counseling, Alan Clammer, kristih335, markcox, cid41706
12677 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Adam A Gedman (49), blueboi (40), dannym (52), james369 (67), Traggy (29)
Who's Online
5 registered (Bluedogone, Dolphinboy, 3 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12677 Members
75 Forums
65128 Topics
455524 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#461932 - 03/02/14 11:41 PM Did you reinforce the abuse?
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
My abuser trained me to masturbate, excessively. Now, I do it, not compulsively, but habitually, daily. Most of the time, it's not remotely sexual; it's just something I should do ever morning. But I feel like this only reinforces the abuse and the ways I was trained to use myself for "feel good" experiences, that feel emotionally empty and damaging.

Have any of you had a similar experience? Has anyone found a path towards resolution with this impulse, a way to come to terms with that portion of the abuse or a similar form of abuse?
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

Top
#461935 - 03/03/14 12:17 AM Re: Did you reinforce the abuse? [Re: DRA]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 417
Loc: west coast
Daily masturbation is a part of many " normal guys" daily routine.

Because something happens spatially doesn't mean there is a causal relationship. You would have discovered masturbation eventually, almost all men do. Instead of a sense of damage that your abuser attached, There would be an
exhilarating appreciation of an amazingly enjoyable ability you have. Most men have no guilt or shame just pleasure. The desire to masturbate is a combination of libido from the hormones that drive your animal instincts and your imagination that steers the direction of your,carnal intentions.

Studies have shown many married men and woman with great and active sex lives continue to masturbate. You are doing nothing more than being a "normal" human. How wonderful.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#461941 - 03/03/14 01:57 AM Re: Did you reinforce the abuse? [Re: DRA]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
1lifenow,

I appreciate the place whence you come, but there's a difference between being horny in the morning and masturbating because I'm trying to fill an emotional void, the void triggered by being alone and not having someone love and compassion towards me. Granted, the abuse was a reflection of pain, manipulation, and abuse, but it was still a form of reflection and "specialness", which is what the masturbation that doesn't feel good represents.
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

Top
#461951 - 03/03/14 06:34 AM Re: Did you reinforce the abuse? [Re: DRA]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1601
Loc: New England
DRA,

I get it. MB can be like just another drug to self-medicate, to numb the pain. And everything you need is always within reach. When it becomes compulsive, it feels like another way the perp can reach through time and space and still control you.

For me, cold turkey was the only way. Yeah I slip now and then, but its out of horniness, not out a need to self-medicate or to re-connect with my abuser.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#461988 - 03/04/14 07:43 AM Re: Did you reinforce the abuse? [Re: DRA]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
DRA

You have some powerful, healthy insight into your behavior.

" But I feel like this only reinforces the abuse and the ways I was trained to use myself for "feel good" experiences, that feel emotionally empty and damaging."

Yes, I've face this and continue to address this is my life.

I have discovered the same thing that you have-MB does not reinforce the kind of man that I want to be. It helps me keep isolated and detracts from my intimacy with myself and others.

I found I had to reprogram the cycle and quitting cold turkey - one day at a time -help me discover a deeper connection with myself that was not hijacked by my abuse. And from this deeper place I found healthy sexuality and even healthy MB (with clear boundaries- no MB that resembles the abuse or old fantasies ).

The idea and practice of abstaining from a chosen behavior and then seeking deeper wisdom is ages old.

Try it - and don't be afraid to spend time honestly reflecting and examining how this makes you feel and what messages and thoughts come up during this exploration. My guess is that you'll come to know yourself better and experience stronger connection with the person you're becoming.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#461990 - 03/04/14 08:11 AM Re: Did you reinforce the abuse? [Re: DRA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3704
Loc: somewhere in Africa
there are some really good points made above already.
this is probly so obvious that it needs to be said:

nearly all of us "reinforce the abuse" when we accept and come to believe the lies that are forced upon us by the abusers -
that we deserved it,
that we wanted it,
that it was our fault,
that we are worthless,
that we are good for nothing else,
that we are never going to be good enough,
etc.

there are so many self-defeating beliefs, attitudes, and actions that are rooted in these lies, such as repeating or reenacting the abuse through masturbation fantasies, porn use, becoming a victimized magnet for other abusive people, and other kinds of specific and overt acting out.

but it is also important to reemphasize that the original abuse is NOT (Y)OUR FAULT! after embracing that truth, it gets fuzzy - we have to figure out how much our own subsequent choices feed the trauma - and try to stop paying into that. certainly CSA has set us up with a predilection for self-harmful thinking/behavior. but we don't have to participate and cooperate with the perps by continuing to repeat their abusive messages and actions. not saying it is easy to stop the cycle - but it is worth the effort.

lee


Edited by traveler (03/04/14 08:16 AM)
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.