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#465180 - 05/10/14 08:47 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Great share Jeff.

I love the one line.... There should be no guilt associated with the fact.

That attitude has been a key to moving forward in my life.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465186 - 05/10/14 10:37 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1192
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

Quote:
That attitude has been a key to moving forward in my life.

There are incidents of my abuse that I can say, like you, has been key to moving forward. The problem I have is that I do drag around the guilt with me on most of my abuse. It's like someone telling me to "get over it" or "it's not my fault", not like turning a switch on or off, that's why I call it a work in progress. I unfortunately don't believe that "no guilt" association at the moment but that's what I'm working towards. It's not an easy thing for me to do but I'm trying as much as I possibly can at the moment.

Thanks for the boost.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465193 - 05/10/14 05:56 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: lapchinj]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey OTF

Quote:
That attitude has been a key to moving forward in my life.

There are incidents of my abuse that I can say, like you, has been key to moving forward. The problem I have is that I do drag around the guilt with me on most of my abuse. It's like someone telling me to "get over it" or "it's not my fault", not like turning a switch on or off, that's why I call it a work in progress. I unfortunately don't believe that "no guilt" association at the moment but that's what I'm working towards. It's not an easy thing for me to do but I'm trying as much as I possibly can at the moment.

Thanks for the boost.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff


Not the incidents that keep me moving forward, you comment and the attitude of it. That is what has helped me.

I was guilty of being a child easily deceived. I was guilty of seeking shelter with a perp. But not like an adult making a choice with full reasoning power.

I own that I physically responded and even enjoyed it. I'm not guilty of anything though.

Enjoy the weekend. Hope you are doing well.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465198 - 05/10/14 10:39 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1192
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

Quote:
I own that I physically responded and even enjoyed it. I'm not guilty of anything though.

Yes we have to own what we did like you mention but not the guilt that goes along with it.

The work in progress is to lose the guilt while owning what we did. After getting rid of the guilt we can then proceed to forgive ourselves which Dr. Richard Gartner in his book "Beyond Betrayal" defines as “It's letting go of the sense that the past shouldn't have been any different or better”

Sounds simple and straightforward but I'm already 2-1/2 years in therapy and on meds and I just can't get there yet. I cut, drink, smoke weed, flashbacks, nightmares etc.

Then ..........

Quote:
Not the incidents that keep me moving forward, you comment and the attitude of it.

This is very profound statement and it's what keeps me going, otherwise I would be completely engulfed in my own shit with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465208 - 05/11/14 02:09 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: lapchinj]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey OTF

Quote:
I own that I physically responded and even enjoyed it. I'm not guilty of anything though.

Yes we have to own what we did like you mention but not the guilt that goes along with it.

The work in progress is to lose the guilt while owning what we did. After getting rid of the guilt we can then proceed to forgive ourselves which Dr. Richard Gartner in his book "Beyond Betrayal" defines as “It's letting go of the sense that the past shouldn't have been any different or better”

Sounds simple and straightforward but I'm already 2-1/2 years in therapy and on meds and I just can't get there yet. I cut, drink, smoke weed, flashbacks, nightmares etc.

Then ..........

Quote:
Not the incidents that keep me moving forward, you comment and the attitude of it.

This is very profound statement and it's what keeps me going, otherwise I would be completely engulfed in my own shit with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff


I guess I see you as a fellow human, a person struggling some, suffering some, but also winning some. You share wisdom and comfort. It isn't about sexual preference to me. It is about one person helping another.

Maybe since I functioned on both sides of the fence for a while it just does not seem a big deal to me.

Sorry to hear you need to cut yourself. I did but it was related to religion. Cut a star in my arm. I was on the bad guys team.. Ha! The things we do to fit in. Who ever thought that sucking a disk when you were 7 would mess you up so much. I think there was much more to it than the act. Of course there was.

The discussions here, for me are about the other stuff, not the penis stuck in my body. The betrayal, lies, deception, false guilt a child can feel.

That was a lie. So what do I do with the lie, now that it is exposed? It feels weird but that is just it for me. Yep. I want to lay in the shit some days, and be a victim, but that is where the choice and help of kind friends helps.

I have felt more help and compassion from gay males and straight females though. I think as straight guys it is still to disgusting to talk about.

Be well my friend. Take care of yourself. You are a valuable contributor to life on our planet smile
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465218 - 05/11/14 08:54 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1192
Loc: New York
Quote:
I am in therapy, and have seen many great changes which I am proud of. Though, I do see the past coming into play at times too. At a simple high level, I came from a very physical and mentally abusive home. I was sexual abused by more then I care to admit too.

I've heard it said many times here on the boards, by my T and and EMDR T who all of them mentioned that you have to relive the shit to rewire the brain in order to break the cycle of pain. once you can look at your abuse you can see that the shame and guilt does not come along with it.

Quote:
I truly learned that I am a people pleasure, I will do what ever I can to have people like me of course with in reason, yet others don't do the same for me.

I am also a people pleaser and will do anything that people should not get on my case or find out what I am. Being here on MS has made me more honest with others and myself. I am still a people pleaser outside of MS but I think that I have bumped up to a different level in that I tell people more often to go fuck themselves if they want to take advantage of me. I say it angrily most of the time which is a way of acting out but the next step is trying to cut out the anger and just very politely tell people to piss off.

Of the thousands of pictures taken of me over 9 years I have a couple of them. I look at them every once in a while and gauge my reaction to them. I want to be able one day to say they are disgusting and that the men and women who took them should drop dead without the shame and guilt eating away at me when I first look at them. When my first reaction is not shame and guilt then I know I'm on my way to healing.

I could not go to a gym just because of shame and guilt. I feel I have it written all over my body. I was always the little girl since I didn't even have a hair on my face till 24. I knew guys that shaved with a chainsaw at 12. I was always the hairless girly boy, always picked on and always thought to be gay. Yes I am gay but they didn't know that. It was only because I was hairless as a teen and alway hung out with my boy friends that they called me a faggot. I never had a girlfriend, but they really didn't know that. That shame is now built in that I'm a little girly boy because I'm still basically hairless. So aside from my gay friends I always did the same as you and give the "eye" to piss off. How do you fix that? I know it isn't any switch that you turn off but rather a process of being yourself. You started that by telling the people around you that they can't be part of your life.

Maybe you can't connect with your dog because he is a people pleaser. The day you can connect is the day you know your healing.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465407 - 05/16/14 06:03 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Wow guys your replies could have not come at a better time. sorry for the delay in replying Since April 12, dealing with this BS, has been going at light-speed experience memories and flashbacks of MANY things I have not recalled. Finally!!! angry as hell, all for because of the past! Sad, for many many missed opportunities of my youth which I would love to have back. But, I know I need to build going forward not backwards.

Scottsmith - All over the place... not at all you nailed it perfectly everything that has been going on, it is actually what I have been feeling "all over the place" for many years. I have finally noticed that I have some authentic friendships and others not so much. I was always looking for something else to complete me, when in fact how can I do such when I don't love and respect myself, and when I say respect myself it is because I have always had walls up because I could ever let anyone know my secret it could be unsafe, either for the sexual abuse or the fact that I am gay. For once I know the two don't go together. I am starting to learn that many don't take advantage of others. I am was blessed with neighbors who are dear friends wanting to get together on the 12th, which really opened my eyes wider. And truly, I have never done anything special just bee a kind person.

Your book recommendation could have not come at a better time. Thanks I read it and it nailed a lot not only for me but the friendship that I have or had.

Another book which slapped me up side the head was Mike Lew - Victims no More! Wow tears upon tears. Not sadness, not happy tears just something I could relate to. My T, has told me all the book had said be before. But, honestly I don't think I believed her, what would she know. smirk Our session are so much different now. As I type this, I finally notice that I have let me walls down with her... again about time.

Also, have read Beyond Betrayal, which I highly recommend.

Lapchinj - You nailed it too!

I will say I have to disagree with owning it and the enjoyment. We where boys not men! People took advantage of our biology of reaction happening to us, just because our bodies reacted, and we are manipulated doesn't mean we enjoyed it. I think woman have it easier, because this is not a visual reaction which plays with your mind. It has taken me a long time to understand this, because of the fact of being gay, and the comments of "you like it" and "wanted it", messes with ones head.

I will say this my T told me it takes time to undo the damage, mine too great to get into the details.

But, what a PITA to get here.

But will say this has been very freeing these last 4 weeks. For once, maybe just a small amount of time for now, I am relaxed. My body is less tense and stressed that my gym workouts have been better.

It is funny, as I sit here and write this tears run down my face, as I am learning to be free and it doesn't mean you always have to stand guard.

Guys, THANKS for all the replies truly means the world to me!







Edited by standingstrong (05/17/14 09:57 AM)

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#465414 - 05/16/14 08:45 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1192
Loc: New York
Hey Standing

All those 3 books have always been on my reading list and I think most guys here have read them at some point. They don't have to be read like a novel from front to back but just the pieces that pertain to you.

My T told me last week that being gay would have given me a different outlook being molested by a man than a straight guy being molested by a man. The same thing but visa versa with a woman abuser.

I still can't call papasan an abuser because he was like a real father to me. I really thought that sex was part of the family deal as was the trips to museums, etc and real birthday parties. Living with this guy for 7 years my T asked me "that was some of the best sex I ever had?". This took me by surprise because it was but then he added that I have to realize that it was abuse whether I liked it or not. I'm still working on that statement and it is a work in progress, I still can't see the abuser in the guy I loved.

I'm really glad though that your walls are coming down. That is really super great. I had read those three books over time or at least portions of them and my T told me to keep going back and rereading them. I do, and every time I walk away with a new perspective on my past and present.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#465426 - 05/17/14 09:26 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
I think one of the best gifts, in the reading especially, with the Shame that Binds Us is that we all as child suffer from some trauma which creatives bad habits as adults, granted not at the same level as us here. I have share this book with a few friends, who I know it can relate too. One person in particular, I know their parents had unhappy marriage and still do today which his not helped, him. But, he has to see that one his own, I can only say so much.

As, I learn more, and have flashbacks more I realize that the brain is a very power muscle in the body, much more then the heart. It protects us very well, possibly too well.

And the Flashbacks are worth it because I learn to undo the negative.


Edited by standingstrong (05/17/14 09:28 AM)

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#465428 - 05/17/14 12:27 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1192
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: standingstrong
As, I learn more, and have flashbacks more I realize that the brain is a very power muscle in the body, much more then the heart. It protects us very well, possibly too well. And the Flashbacks are worth it because I learn to undo the negative.

It is true that the mind protects us at times from the pain, hurt, guilt and shame but I can do without the flashbacks which for me brings on numerous nightmares. After a flashback it can take hours to come down from the fear I have and the hate towards me, then the nightmares start in playing games with my mind, fear and emotions.

You are very lucky to be able to "undo the negative" from something that itself is so harmful, maybe one day I will also be able to that but right now I just want them to stop. Right now my flashbacks just remind me of just being a slab of meat used to make money with. My flashbacks and nightmares just keep my abuse current unfortunately.

Keep working with whatever works best for you. I hope you will share more of your healing with us.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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