Newest Members
JHNebraska, mike42069, JACKL, Personman, SiegmundNYC
12490 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alpha (49), AYounglove10 (23), joanne (27), justme62 (52), pontifixmax (44), royjay (46), Steve S. (48)
Who's Online
5 registered (Obi, traveler, myrlin, 2 invisible), 30 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12490 Members
74 Forums
64155 Topics
447648 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#461916 - 03/02/14 08:57 PM the loneliness
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
As usual, things are not so bad but I still have multiple days when the loneliness seems to envelope me. It's like no one in the world knows me, or understands me, or even cares. It's a deep, unyielding loneliness that just will not abate itself...and then after a few days, it's gone until next time. It doesn't matter who I am with, nor what I am doing, nor what I am looking forward to in the near future.

I remember as a little boy surrounded by everyone in the family always being excluded. Always being the one shut out of the activities or the conversations and interactions. And I would go out and walk or play or sing by myself, just looking at the sky or the trees or the fields. That's how I feel. Except I am in my mid-50s now.

I wonder if it shall always be like this? I wonder if anyone else still feels the loneliness that parallels the way it felt when we were kids being abused or shut out or whatever. Sometimes it just gets so tiring to be me. Anyone else? What do you do to shake it off sooner?

Thank goodness spring will be here in a few weeks. At least then I can walk and look at the sky.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#461949 - 03/03/14 04:24 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Yes, loneliness can be terrible difficult to handle.
I have had many problems with it during long weekends. There were weekends when I didn't spoke to anyone beside salesperson at grocery shop while I was in shopping. I felt inside so lonely like I was living in desert without anyone around and it used to be very triggering.
Now I like more to go out, to interact with people not fearing so much of rejection and somehow I feel more fulfilled.
To be honest I did couple things for that boy who has been left aside from others and maybe that helped among therapy and other things.
I bought him Prince tennis racquet that he used to dream about many years ago, later I found him nice teddy bear whit whom he has slept. Sometimes he needed to hug him closely not to feel alone in early morning when everything is so quiet.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I remember as a little boy surrounded by everyone in the family always being excluded. Always being the one shut out of the activities or the conversations and interactions. And I would go out and walk or play or sing by myself, just looking at the sky or the trees or the fields. That's how I feel. Except I am in my mid-50s now.

I wonder if it shall always be like this?


In my case I'm sure it will always be like that. I'm enjoying riding bike trough city lanes and parks, watching on trees in blossom and listening birdsong.
And there is always feeling of familiarity when my eyes meet one pair of hawks that are nesting on one skyscraper near walk to my work, every morning I'm looking for them on blue sky and say hello, lol.
They are beautiful and free just as I want to be since I was small kid wink

You are not alone ((((Bill))))!


Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#461957 - 03/03/14 10:20 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
Loneliness can be difficult. It is different than being by yourself. Loneliness is a feeling of being disconnected from the world and people. Being by yourself can be an elected state, a time to enjoy yourself, to think and heal. Loneliness robs you of seeing yourself in the world.

walks, watching, listening to others in stores, on your walks or wherever others congregate allows you to feel part of something. Extend yourself, smile and say hello as you walk past other walkers, join a group and take your time in opening up. Loneliness can breed more loneliness. The abuse made us feel disconnection, allowed us to be excluded and mistreated by others who see nothing wrong with excluding and demeaning others. You have the power to change and become part of others life. Like healing it takes work, time and patience. Unfortunately you may have to extend yourself which may make you feel vulnerable.

I hope you find a way, a group to connect with. You need to laugh and talk with others. I can attest living in fear is no fun but finding people who make you feel whole and support you on your journey makes life enjoyable.

Remember you are not alone we are here for you. Take care.

Kevin

Top
#461959 - 03/03/14 10:59 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi ThisMan,

I've been lonely all my life. Abused and tortured by both parents from infancy through early childhood, I never had a personal connection to myself, and always sought out my definition through the eyes of others. I've been mostly a hermit for probably 8-9 years now, not because that would be my first natural choice, but because the healthier I have become the more I am aware of how sick I am. And, it is a relief to FEEL like I am honestly assessing myself. It is only in honestly seeing myself that I can figure out how to care for myself.

At 64, as I have continued clearing on abuse issues, my sense of loneliness has moved into aloneness. No longer feeling compelled to be with others has allowed me to spend focused, intense time with myself that I was never able to in earlier years. I was too terrified of what was buried inside. And, for me, the focused and intense time with myself is what I required to find the beginnings of an authentic me. I am finding early signs of a me that is capable of personal passionate expression, as my motivation stems from a personal validity instead of riding a wave of shoulds and coulds based on outside stimuli.

I am seeing the beginnings of a me that is grounded in who is actually inside versus what I learned from my early trauma, and the impulse to make things happen is waning. For the first time I am looking at sharing myself with others who are able to see me and value me, rather than missing being with others. This is a massive change for me, and a welcome one. I still have not ventured out into the world, but I sense a gathering of creative energy where the universe meets me instead of me searching.

I have made several forays out in the world over the past 8-9 years. But, they were fairly brief, as I simply encountered myself through interactions with others, and it was not pretty. But, each time I got the feedback I needed to continue working on myself.

Love and good will to you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#461962 - 03/03/14 11:29 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1482
(((ThisMan)))

Do you have friends? Perhaps part of it - if you live in the snowier regions - is just part of what a lot of people are dealing with - being locked up and away from social venues more often than usual - and it makes things look bleaker in general.

If the former, I know what it feels like. What helped me was something my therapist pointed out. It was brilliant and it completely changed my life.

Quote:
What do you do to shake it off sooner?

I was so defensive that it actually scared people away. I never expected that could be a reaction - I mean if I am defensive why would people act afraid? You'd think they'd only be afraid if I was offensive, right? But that's the dynamic. I guess it works like this: others sense you are protecting them from you, and they assume that means it is worth keeping a distance. The signals I would send were keep away!, and that message was obliged by everyone around me.

The antidote? Stop hiding. Commit yourself to having no more secrets. Don't volunteer anything unnecessarily, of course, but be open to the idea that if someone asks you something personal, you'll answer with full honesty. In other words, it's not about the secrets you carry but how you carry them. What that does is relax you, and in so doing relaxes others around you.

Ten years ago, I lived that for one week under my therapist's guidance - as an experiment. Just one week of committing myself to being open and vulnerable. One week.

The result? The experiment continues into it's eleventh year. I have a lot of friends. I become a focal point in social crowds without extending any effort to do so. Ten years ago, I was more like the wallpaper. What a complete reversal...

I used to fear that others would be more judgmental of me, that if I wasn't "just so" then I'd be looked down upon. I had a mortal fear that if they got too close, I'd have to reveal a secret. Or I would reveal one by accident. But in fact, everyone has secrets. As CSA survivors, we had deeper and darker secrets than most. And we have learned all too well how to keep them. But it's not the quantity or intensity of secrets that matters here. It's just committing yourself to not guarding them any more.

The secrets we carry are the greatest legacy of the crimes against us. What happened to me was nothing compared to the weight of secrets it made me carry through life, burdening me down and keeping my spirit flattened. Let them go. They are just not worth the cost of carrying. Live like that for one week and see for yourself....
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#462032 - 03/04/14 08:55 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL

(((((Bill)))))

Hi Bill. Hopefully by now you've started to come out of your loneliness snap. If not, I'm sorry. I wish I had some advise to give you.

For me, I felt a ton of loneliness and rejection as a child, mostly at the hands of my peers. I spent grades 4-6 basically not having any friends at school and, as far as the kids in my neighborhood were concerned, well, you know how that story goes.

As a kid, I hurt terribly on the inside due to the alienation, the feelings that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere, and the utter sense of being so alone in the world. Now, as an adult, I've come to thrive on isolation and to prefer solitude. I think perhaps there came a point where something inside of me broke and I developed a preference for isolation and solitude as a mechanism of self defense and self preservation. I rarely feel lonely, even though I am most always alone.

So, while I wish I had a more helpful response, I can only share how I relate to the topic. At least you know you are in good company here. Loneliness and isolation is one of the most common themes CSA survivors seem to share. Peace,

Ken

Top
#462092 - 03/05/14 09:41 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks for the advice and the support, guys.
Unfortunately for both of us, Ken, I know what it is like to be rejected as a kid. Guess it makes the loneliness a bit easier, but sometimes it would be nice to share with someone. But I don't want that either.

Erik- I do have friends. Superficial friends and I just couldn't delve too much into anything with them. And the thing about being the center of attention at a social gathering is that I usually am. I have what they call "presence" when I enter the scene. Just a tall, imposing presence. By accident. And my job is always to make others laugh. So I have become really good at that. But I just can't break down the barriers and be "real". Seems no one really cares anyway. But I may try your experiment for a while… maybe…

Pero, I can just see you watching for the hawks while you walk to work. I love it. And I do need to do more special things for me. And I will. There is no reason not to. And just looking for the simple in life is fulfilling for me. I took a great photo the other day while on a walk which I will post in "Off Topic", if I can remember how to do it. You will love it!

Don, KM- I know what its like to go several days with only talking to a store clerk at the big box store… oh, my god. That is what I want so badly to stop doing, but it is just so easy to do. The days slide before we know it, and again, we have seen nor shared with anyone. And I love the phrase that "I am not alone here". Thanks so much.

Maybe I can motivate myself to go back to the gym on a regular basis. I haven't been since the surgery and that was 6 months ago. I will make that my goal for the coming weeks. Again, thanks guys for the support and the responses. It makes a big difference to know someone cares enough to respond as well.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#462253 - 03/09/14 12:49 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
TM,
I can relate to your feelings of loneliness. Lately, I just wonder if all the therapy is worth it. I've been in it for over a year, but this past month feels like I've forgotten everything we've talked about and I'm back at the beginning. My T says I'm making progress, but I don't see it. I'm trying to listen to him, but I feel locked in a glass room and his words just don't get through. I feel I need keep my true self hidden away, because that would interfere with my need to be perfect. I must be perfect because if I'm not, people won't like me. I wonder why I spend my time worried if people like me, because I don't think very highly of myself lately. Who I am isn't who I want to be or who I am meant to be, but I can't seem to get there. So yeah, I can relate to your situation.

Take care,

Dave

Top
#462303 - 03/09/14 11:01 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
yes loneliness sucks.

rich
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

Top
#462364 - 03/10/14 07:07 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
yeah, loneliness sucks. not sure if it's the small amount of people i com into contact with (i attend an online school), or some inability to make friends properly, or if this is how everyone feels from time to time, or what, but it sucks.
_________________________
Ever hate how every single time that you read a post, you read the signature like it's part of that post? Yeah, me too.

Top
#464026 - 04/13/14 01:34 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
Was feeling restless this weekend, and come to realize a lot of it is base in loneliness with this challenge. I have friends and a partner and others in twelve step recovery, but can still feel lonely at times when dealing with these issues (partially because I've been on this journey for a while and don't bring it up f2f much at all because it has already been covered.)

Not fun, but I have enough experience to know the feeling passes in time.

Top
#464027 - 04/13/14 01:37 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
repeat - edited


Edited by kcinohio (04/13/14 01:38 AM)
Edit Reason: repeat

Top
#464028 - 04/13/14 08:36 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 81
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Thisman,

After 6 months of heavy therapy, several sessions a week. I asked the same question with my first therapist. Even though I was from a blended family, (1 adult sister, one older half brother, one younger half brother, two step brothers, more cousins than I can count) and even surrounded by all of those people, I was always alone. If you ever get the chance, ask your T to administer the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator. It might give you another way to look at yourself. I learned there's who I am, and then there's what happened to me. Both have to be examined in equal measure. My first T took that approach. I am a firewall INFP. After giving me the clinical description of an INFP, he went on and described the INFP as the emotional sewer, "Izzy, you are spontaneous, you lead with your heart, you look for the best in every person you meet, and you internalize EVERYTHING!" As an introvert, I learned early to master the art of being alone in a crowded room. My wife has told me on many occasions I could become a hermit easily. I've come to understand she is absolutely correct.

As a kid I was the afterthought, drug along to every "family" activity but not part of it. As an CSA victim (hate that word but, it was my state of being at the time) secrecy and keeping to myself was a part of the "new normalcy." As an adult my alcoholism gave me an excuse to be alone in a crowd. As a CSA survivor (also a state of being - recovery) I did not think anyone else would understand and I excluded them before they could exclude me. As an Air Force sergeant, I needed a professional detachment from my superiors, and my subordinates. I took it one step further an iced out my peers.

My 3rd and 4th T(s) summed it up best, being alone is your environment you can change that by joining activities. Being lonely is often a choice as well, I had to learn to engage another human being, making that choice was a risk. I found I hated loneliness so much that I took that risk.

I do not know if you are like me in this regard but, I would ask that you would simply examine the possibility.




Edited by I Want 2 Thrive (04/13/14 08:52 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar/spelling, BLOODY SPEECH RECOGNITION SOFTWARE
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

Top
#464033 - 04/13/14 10:17 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I'm mostly alone because of after watching 55+ years of me continuously re-creating abusive situations, I decided I needed the isolation to figure out ME. And, it is working. I have ventured back out periodically, the abusive situations getting briefer and briefer and clearer and clearer, and each time I learn more and more about myself.

I am only now at 64 healing enough to see how all I knew was to demonize anyone and anything I perceived as a threat. Usually everyone and everything. My introspective efforts are paying off. I am able to tease apart my thinking and see how I have always determined my own outcomes by what I believed to be true. There was just so much terror locked up inside it has taken a long time. I am in very early times with seeing the possibility of a me not dependent on fear for my identity.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#464162 - 04/16/14 02:19 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Funnily enough tm, the times I have felt most lonely are the times I've been in a crowd of other people. There is nothing to make you feel more alone than sitting watching a large group of other people interact. It also doesn't help that yes, people treat me as an outsider because of my visual imparement anyway, indeed as an undergraduate I used to walk to the colidge bar and sit for half an our waiting for someone to speak to me, and they didn't.

One thing I'm realizing however, is that loneliness is only bad if I actively considder myself incapable of interacting with others. I have taught myself to talk to people, even staff in shops, how to make conversation. Another major vocation of mine is singing in which I make a speciality of communicating with the audience. Knowing myself that I have the capacity to connect with others and communicate in a meaningful way means that I am in a position to be in control of my destiny.
At the moment I have not spoken to anyone accept shopkeepers sinse last Sunday, however I am not the least bothered. Having just come back from a very intensive set of auditions at music school and an equally intensive session doing my first experience of recording my voice in a studio, I actually want! a break from people.

There are people I am confident I could phone up and chat to or friends I believe I could ask round, indeed I did on Sunday evening, however at the moment I prefer to choose not to.

So, while I agree that joining a regular group for some sort of activity (like the tabletop roleplay group I myself attend each weekend)and interacting with people occasionally can help, do not see it as a necessity, that you must! be one of a crowd in order to be accepted, see it as a matter of choice. Have the belief that you are capable! of connecting with others if the opportunity and necessity arise, and then at times when you are alone you know you are alone by circumstance, or even choice, not by isolation.

right now I'm very much enjoying being alone. i get to watch startrek, be my own bos, play some classic computer games and do some reading too.

Top
#467517 - 07/12/14 09:50 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: don64]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 21
[quote=don64]I'm mostly alone because of after watching 55+ years of me continuously re-creating abusive situations, I decided I needed the isolation to figure out ME. And, it is working.

i truly relate to that , for years i felt bad and inferior for people treating like shit , and now i realize that i was simply (re-creating abusive situations)it doesnt matter wether the person liked me or not because eventualy , after being with them i alaways end up feeling hurt and inferior , the last 5 years or so i been focusing intensly on finding my self ( basically through books and journaling), my self who i hoped would inspires other to treat me with respect and allows me to thrive in relations ships and work , but it's no easy work and never seem to be completed, even though i notice some progress in my life but not able to enjoy them, cus they often seem insignificant to me and to others, but still the lonliness remains one most painful experience in life.
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

Top
#467521 - 07/12/14 11:01 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you love and good will, 96789594. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.