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#461031 - 02/18/14 05:50 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: justplainme]
Tiger1982 Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Slovakia
justplainme,
thank you very much for this "positive list", I was overwhelmed by an feeling of hope as I was reading it. I think I can become a better person after going through this terrible mess of abuse... I will read your list again when I will feel hopeless and will think of giving up... Your list will remind me of the gifts that lie ahead on my journey of recovery.

Peace

Andy
_________________________
Out of the dark, into the light.

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#461066 - 02/19/14 01:52 AM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Iowa, USA
I can identify so many of my own traits in Ken Singer's exposition. I felt I was reading a blog about my life.

Dave

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#461825 - 03/01/14 08:36 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
justplainme.

i love your post.

you are so right.

rich.

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com
cut and paste link due to mispell
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#461896 - 03/02/14 04:16 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
smile Andy and Rich stay strong fellas.


Edited by justplainme (03/02/14 04:17 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#462540 - 03/13/14 04:35 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
I agree, i felt the same way when i first read it.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#462558 - 03/13/14 07:44 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
Quote:
Positive Characteristics of Male Survivors of sexual abuse :

- Support and respect of other's sexual identity :

Once a male survivor of abuse recuperates he is able to see how important sexual identity is to how we relate to others as human beings, how our personalities are intrinsically linked to how we socialize and develop, therefor his own troubles in this area will make him more tolerant and accepting of others and their sexuality. He is in a position to use his knowledge to assure the respect of everyones sexuality from physical and psychological aggression.

-Gender security :

The robbing of the chance to psychosexually and bio-sexually develop his identity makes the survivor strive to become aware of who he is, making his sexual identity twice as strong and fixed, the erasing of it and undermining of it by a abuser only serves to solidify the ardent desire and wish to be who he really is and share his sexuality with who he really wants to.

-Boundary and power differences in social context :

The survivor now knows the positive and necessary quality in self value, the abuse is a direct hit to the self , therefor the survivor develops strong and powerful boundaries in order to regain a sense of protective homeostasis from outside forces, he becomes an promoter of healthy communication and non manipulative relating.

- Sexually healthy embodiment :
The recovery of the survivors sensual sense makes him or her more aesthetically aware of the many aspects that require a healthy sexuality, his embodiment of sex ethics and sexual love permeates his life, therefor making him a changing force to the detrimental sexual messages in society, plus his lady or man get a understanding and loving spouse.


Strength and fortitude training :

Due to the horrific events a certain unbreakable toughness is gained both physically and psychologically by the survivor making him stronger than the average person.


Protector and defender of the weak :

The predators who chose to destroy the children of this world are no longer free from care, as the survivor who undergo this know how important it is for children to be safe from abuse be it sexual, psychological, brutality, or other. He becomes a SHIELD and SWORD for those in need due to his experiences, and NEVER EVER FORGETS.




Sentimental and emotional expansion :

The emotional apparatus of the survivor becomes highly developed due to the need to understand highly complex and discriminate emotions ranging through out the whole human spectrum.


Sense of humor :

Learns that life is one huge joke. Does no take things to seriously..




this is brilliant.
pure genius.
i'm with you, justplainme!
we are warriors.

extraordinary behaviour is the ordinary response to an extraordinary stimulus.

Quote:

Just my two cents...but the list goes on and ON and ON...



when is the book coming out?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#462559 - 03/13/14 08:43 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
fff123 Offline


Registered: 03/05/14
Posts: 15
Loc: Karachi,Pakistan
Originally Posted By: jas4159
Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Victims

by Ken Singer, LCSW

Denial of Vulnerability

Difficulty recognizing that what happened was sexual abuse. High need for control in interactions with others. May appear stubborn and rigid for control in interactions with others and frequently engage in power struggles, or seem passive, codependent and conforming. Both are protection from feelings of vulnerability.

Confusion Regarding Sexual Orientation

Orientation is exhibited in many ways. Some men claim heterosexuality but are sexual with other men. Some homosexual men question their orientation and wonder how they might be different had they not been abused. Other men may not engage in any sexual behaviors with males or females and are unable to determine their sexual orientation.

Confusion of Emotional Needs With Sex

Needs for nurturance may be identified as sexual. Many needs may have been met through the sexual abuse and sex continues to be viewed as the only way to be cared for. Real relationships with other men and women are often seen as threatening and sexual behavior may actually be one of the few ways to relate superficially and still have some needs met. Societal norms encourage men to equate sexual prowess with personal value and discourage direct expression of emotional needs. Some men become "Don Juans" or give the impression they are "superstuds" as a way of proving to themselves and the world that they are not gay or weak because of their victimization histories.

Gender Shame

Confusion and anxiety regarding masculine identity. Extremely uncomfortable around other men. Does not like to be touched by men and often avoids situations where he may be seen unclothed. Because he does not feel part of the group, he is often isolated with few male friends. Shame is especially powerful regarding feelings about masculinity. "Real men" don't get abused, they can protect themselves. Internalized male models are shaming or nonexistent. May exhibit more feminine characteristics as an attempt to separate from negative masculine image or to avoid identifying with the male abuser.

Multiple Compulsive Behaviors

Sex, food, chemicals and work are examples of common compulsive behaviors used to satisfy an internal drive to continually push oneself to avoid feeling pain and to meet dependency needs but is not productive or helpful.

Physical and Emotional Symptoms

Hypertension and frequent chest pains. Recurring dreams or nightmares of being chased or attacked, choked or stabbed. Difficulty urinating in public restrooms. Depression and anxiety.

Pattern of Victimizing Self or Others

Most victims do not become offenders. Many dysfunctional behaviors may be seen as an attempt to feel more powerful, punish oneself or numb the unwanted feelings connected with the abuse. This may involve passive-aggressive behaviors or subtle put-downs. Some men, act out by exposing, obscene phone calling or voyeuristic activities. Anger toward self can involve suicide attempts or putting oneself in a high risk situations which could lead to injury or death without actually attempting suicide. Victim may react to a current situation as if it were similar to the childhood abuse experience. Victim feels powerless and cannot see the current situation for what it is. Coping mechanisms mimic survival means used during childhood. May actually become involved in abusive relationships as an adult that are in many ways similar to the childhood sexual abuse experience.

Boundary Transparency

Unrealistic fear that others can see their failures and vulnerability. They fear they can do nothing to protect themselves. This inability to protect self and feeling unsafe can result in difficulty establishing even minimal trust. Other reactions include anxiety, rage and withdrawal. May have a history of boundary intrusions other than sexual abuse, especially physical and emotional abuse.

Chaotic Relationships

Many difficulties around intimacy, autonomy (self-sufficiency) and commitment to a relationship. Extreme and intense swings in needs for closeness and distance with others. The need to be cared for and have dependency needs met is in conflict with fear of vulnerability and re-victimization. This behavior repeats the victim-perpetrator experience with the partner when that person alternately becomes a perpetrator and a protector.

Poorly Defined Sense of Self

Self protection has resulted in submersion of self with little internal locus of control. Behaviors are similar to codependency. Importance placed on attempts to avoid feelings of confusion and vulnerability.



Very very true.And by reading all comments most of us feel like you describing ourselves individually

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#462693 - 03/15/14 06:16 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: victor-victim]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
A book? I just might get on it. smile Thanks my man.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#462702 - 03/15/14 11:21 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: jas4159]
randombreeze Offline


Registered: 02/03/14
Posts: 49
Loc: WNY
Having just finished Mike Lew's terrific "Victims No Longer", which took nearly 6 weeks due to the overwhelming, yet necessary pain of reading through some of the survivor stories, I've just started reading Ken Singer's "Evicting The Perpetrator."

I'm compelled to reiterate what others have stated about justplainme's comments. Thanks for the truly transcendent read. While we've all been damaged to varying degrees, his post reiterates much about how it's possible to turn the abuse back on itself and become better human beings than we might think possible.

Since my recent disclosure after 40+ years of silence, I've had friends and family tell me how much of a better person they've seen me become. I've no illusions there's much work to be done, but confident the work will be somewhat easier knowing the journey leads to a better place.

Peace
_________________________
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

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#462714 - 03/16/14 12:34 PM Re: Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Vict [Re: randombreeze]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: randombreeze
Having just finished Mike Lew's terrific "Victims No Longer", which took nearly 6 weeks due to the overwhelming, yet necessary pain of reading through some of the survivor stories, I've just started reading Ken Singer's "Evicting The Perpetrator."

I'm compelled to reiterate what others have stated about justplainme's comments. Thanks for the truly transcendent read. While we've all been damaged to varying degrees, his post reiterates much about how it's possible to turn the abuse back on itself and become better human beings than we might think possible.

Since my recent disclosure after 40+ years of silence, I've had friends and family tell me how much of a better person they've seen me become. I've no illusions there's much work to be done, but confident the work will be somewhat easier knowing the journey leads to a better place.

Peace


Reading this made my day, im very happy that you are doing well. Take care and stay strong, resolved with the good.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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