Yes the silence of CSA takes a toll on our lives. It confuses us on so many fronts. But I believe as we heal, accept the abuse as real we learn who we truly our, and not confused by the damage that was done. Letting the abuser go, letting the sense of responsibility for the abuse go frees us from the emotions and words spoken by the abuser. We then can truly learn who we are--no longer mixing up the abuser's messages and our emotions during the abuse and believing on some level what the abuser said--this is special, this is love, this is our secret--confuses the hell out of our conscious and subconscious selves.
Once we tackle the past we can see who we truly are and what we want in life--I have learned a part of myself carried a belief love was abuse and the acts done to me. But as I healed and learned to accept me, I no longer have a part that believes the abuser or his acts represent any form of love. That was my long buried part--and there confusion within me on a subconscious level I did not understand. Today I am happy and along the way found a special person with no expectations and no judgments but to enjoy today and maybe tomorrow. I feel fulfilled and I know who I am and I am not shameful of the abuse. I can speak of it with people who let me feel safe. She is supportive and understanding of my past, more importantly she has taken time to learn about CSA and its effects--which makes me feel safe. My T said I am integrating and the internal conflicts left from the abuse is leaving--I had to learn to love the part of me that felt special to the abuser--and that was hard because I despised the thought of the abuse and abuser. But as I learned to love myself--all the parts of me, it brought clarity of self and who I truly am. I also learned not to be shameful of the abuse so I can share with people.
I know you will come to terms with who you are and find happiness. Confusion sadly is an outcome of the abuse. You have recognized this and are working on understanding the confusion. Whatever the answer is, you will be happy being who you are meant to be.