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#461864 - 03/02/14 09:35 AM My so called friend.
bcl092 Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Long Island, NY
Not sure where to post this but I need to discuss it. I'm 28, gay and a survivor of sexual abuse, bullying and my dad died when I was two. I recently graduated college where I made some great and not so great friends. I was very good friends with a female. She had a baby with an abusive loser. We were very close and I loved the baby like my own. he baby just turned a year Jan 26. He is the perfect baby, all smiles and just cries when hungry. He really cured my depression and I felt like I had a purpose in life. Flash forward some time a few weeks ago. I would try to see her and the baby as much as I could, I got really attached to him even though he isn't mine. Well here is the trouble. She started ignoring me and making excuses when she would otherwise always want to see me. It turns out someone from my support group was stalking my Facebook page and contacted her about how I was abused. She thinks I'm abusive. Now, I explained I would never hurt the baby, not even a thought in my mind. She kept ignoring me after I said how deeply hurt I am. I got a mutual friend to talk to her. Apparently she, he babys mother is just crazy. She believed whatever nonsense the person from my support group told her. I had thought we were very close and good friends. She knew I was gay and abused. Well it turns out she engages in some bad activities, steals and other stuff. The mutual friend told me the babys mother wants nothing to do with me and was never a friend to begin with. I'm very hurt over this cause I loved the baby and wanted to be there for him since his real dad is an abusive loser. I guess its over now and I need to move on

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#461866 - 03/02/14 09:44 AM Re: My so called friend. [Re: bcl092]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I feel for you.

It seems like you we're enjoying giving love. Real caring love. I believe it makes our heart and soul happy to do good and love.

Obviously we all here have been hurt and loved improperly, used and abused.

It sounds like you were enjoying being the good example the best way you could.

I have a crude saying for women that use and abuse. Evil Gash.

It sounds like you have come across one, for whatever reasons she became that way.

You did learn you may quite enjoy being a father! You have the capacity to love!

You, my friend, have found and experienced some of the best things in life. I would say to take the good and learn what you can from the bad.

How did you miss signals? How did you let yourself get used? Not to obsess about it, but for a moment reflect.

Life can deal you a easy to catch pop fly, or a grounder that takes a funny hop into your groin.

Buy a cup and stay in the game.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#461870 - 03/02/14 11:41 AM Re: My so called friend. [Re: On The Fringe]
bcl092 Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thank you for your kinds words.

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#461871 - 03/02/14 11:42 AM Re: My so called friend. [Re: bcl092]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
bc- I think its great you were able to connect with the baby and feel love as its meant to be. I am sorry the mother-friend has the propensity to turn her back on you so quickly and so easily. I really am, and know from experience how it hurts.

You say she knew you were gay and were abused. So what? You knew she had a kid out of wedlock. You knew she had selected an abuser to sleep with. You still cared for her. There is not one thing you should do or say to defend yourself. There is no reason for it. You seem like a good, honest, true friend who has gotten himself through college and without a doubt has a bright future. Your friend has just turned her back on something golden and rare… a true friend with no agenda.

It's just the way some people are. Let her go. The only big flash that I notice is that a member of your support group outed your history of abuse to your supposed friend… a non-member of the support group. That seems to be a big problem. When you think about it, I am certain the issue of honesty and trust will become apparent and this member of your group needs themselves to be outed to your facilitator and to the other group members.

If the person is discussing you outside the safety of the group, the person is discussing all of the most personal details of everyone outside the group. I, for one, would not want to be sharing my heart openly with them, and I know you now don't. So involve the facilitator and the group and let this individual know how they have hurt you.

My best guy.

b


Edited by ThisMan (03/02/14 11:45 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#461872 - 03/02/14 12:30 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: ThisMan]
bcl092 Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thank you. I wear my malesurvivor wristband with pride knowing I belong to a group of such caring individuals.

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#461874 - 03/02/14 12:43 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 697
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Let her go. The only big flash that I notice is that a member of your support group outed your history of abuse to your supposed friend… a non-member of the support group. That seems to be a big problem. When you think about it, I am certain the issue of honesty and trust will become apparent and this member of your group needs themselves to be outed to your facilitator and to the other group members. b


Can't agree more.

The violation of trust by a group member and dissemination of privileged information by a self-appointed busybody is not excusable. Separate yourself from the situation knowing that you have learned a lot about yourself---how to love and ultimately, how to move onward and upward.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#461875 - 03/02/14 12:47 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: Suwanee]
bcl092 Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Long Island, NY
I wont be mean or rude. I will just let him know he hurt me very deeply. I changed my facebook settings so I hope that fixes it.

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#461886 - 03/02/14 02:49 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: bcl092]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 608
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi bc1092,

I may be off base here, but it seems to me that the behavior of the baby's mother AND your supposed support group friend is abusive by both of them. At 64 I am an expert at drawing abusive situations to myself. I am finally working out of this pattern. But, I have to question the wisdom of being kind and explanatory to abusive people. If you choose to continue involvement with abusive people, I hope you are able to be conscious of that. I'm trying to teach myself that abusive people don't belong in my life--period.

Saying you won't be mean or rude to the person who outed you just sounds like victim mentality to me. Why would you waste one ounce of your own energy pursuing a relationship you already know to be not in your best interest?

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#461891 - 03/02/14 03:38 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: don64]
bcl092 Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 26
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thanks Don. You're absolutely right. The support group leader has a bully mentality. He thinks he is always right and knows everything. What he did hurt me deep. At the same time I got to see the true colors of whom I thought was a good friend.


Edited by bcl092 (03/02/14 03:38 PM)

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#461895 - 03/02/14 04:15 PM Re: My so called friend. [Re: bcl092]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Oh, wow, bc-

I didn't realize the facilitator was the gossipy bully who betrayed you! I am so very sorry. If this group is sponsored by an organization, a letter written to the main office is in order. He definitely does not need to be leading a group of young men (or otherwise) who have been so wounded already by life. What an abusive, dishonest, discredited jerk off. I am angry for you.

And like Don said, get angry (my interpretation) and tell this "f@#k head" how he hurt you and crossed any and all professional lines. Man, what a jerk. Hope you are feeling better.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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