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#461820 - 03/01/14 07:35 PM Relapse Part 2 **TRIGGERS**
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 159
Loc: Utah
I said in "Relapse Part 1" that I ended up doing sexual acts with a friend, and then on Wednesday I had another slip up with another friend--at least I don't know if it would be considered a slip up with my second friend the more I think about it.

On Wednesday another friend of mine called me wanting to talk. So he came to pick me up at my place and took me to his house where we played a game of chess and talked. We play chess a lot, but judging by the way my friend was playing I could tell that he was really struggling with something because it is rare that he doesn't beat me. This game ended in a draw.

Anyway, after the chess game I asked my friend what was wrong and he told me that earlier this week he slipped up and looked at some Internet porn and since then he has really been messed up. That is what he told me. Usually my friend and I would give each other a back massage through the clothes, but we would never go beyond that point. My friend told me he wouldn't mind me giving him a back massage, but he was not comfortable giving me one as he was afraid he would go too far. I understood and told him that I was fine with that.

After I gave my friend a massage we talked and he told me that he wanted more than just touch; he wanted to cuddle with me and kiss, and hold hands. Now my friend and I have been good friends for five or six years now, but we have never done anything sexual with each other. I told him that I was okay with holding each other, but not so much with kissing and holding hands. (Although it was tempting, I will admit). It was around this time when I told him that I slipped up with another friend earlier this week, but I did not go into detail about it. I told him that as much as I would like, it would not be good for either of us in so many ways, and not only that we could be caught as we were in the living room and his family was home.

After considering all that has happened to me this week up to that point I told my friend that I had better go home because I didn't want anything to happen that we would both later regret. After I told him that I wanted to go home, my friend moved over next to me, (we were sitting on the couch with my arm around his shoulder), and put his head on my shoulder. I thought that this would be fine and I would stay for a few minutes longer.

After several minutes my friend then got up and sat on my lap and put his arms around me. I was confused and not sure what I wanted to do; part of me wanted to just hold him, while another part of me was saying "go home." And still another part of me wanted to let him do what he wanted and we kiss each other. But I knew I would only be taking advantage of him if I allowed that because I knew that is not what he really wanted.

After a time my friend again got up and changed positions. This time he was siting the opposite direction but not on my lap. I said to my friend, "I really need to go home." He didn't move and I jokingly commented at how this was kidnapping because he took me to his house and would not let me leave, at which he and I both kind of laughed. In a nice way I was trying to let him know that I meant what I said. (I don't know that I could rally charge him for kidnapping me). I am not the aggressive type. And plus I was confused because I liked us holding each other--as long as it didn't go beyond that point, but my friend's behavior was out of character and unpredictable.

After several minutes I told my friend that I really meant it; I needed to go home, and I needed him to take me home as it was after midnight and I lived too far to walk. My friend finally got off of me and took me home. I don't know what I would have done had he not gotten off of me after the third time I told him that I wanted to go home.

Since this happened, I talked to my friend a couple of times on the phone. He told me that he was sorry for what he had done and that it won't happen again. I told my friend that I had no problem with what we did, except that we had never really talked about it beforehand and I wasn't sure if he was going to do something to take it beyond that point. My friend said that he had crossed the line and did not want to see me again, and then hung up on me. Though it has only been a day, I have not talked to him again.

In the past I had been told that there is nothing really wrong with two guys holding each other like me and my friend did as long as it does not go further than that. However, this is obviously dangerous territory. I have held and/or been held by other guys in the past without it progressing to anything sexual. I had told my friend this and said that we should have discussed it more before doing it so that we were clear on what each other wanted.

Considering all things that has happened to me this past week, I have not really felt the effects until now. And I am wondering if this may be because of the stress I am under as I have lost my job a couple of weeks ago, and now trying to find an new job, appeal my termination from my last job, and file for unemployment among other things I am dealing with at this time. The sex I had with my friend on Monday seemed like nothing although I know it was wrong, but confused as to whether or not I wanted to do it. And me and my friend holding each other was fine with me except it was unexpected and out of the ordinary for my friend to behave.

My first friend is gay, and me and my second friend both struggle with same-sex attraction and are attracted to each other, but we have NEVER done anything sexual until now if you consider holding each other sexual.

TW16

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#461843 - 03/01/14 10:13 PM Re: Relapse Part 2 **TRIGGERS** [Re: TW16]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Hi TW16,

Like you said you have a lot of stress at the moment, I read your post "Losing Everything" that is a hell of a lot to be dealing with, so it is hardly a coincidence that this has happened now. I think that you need to cut yourself some slack and go easy on yourself. When we are feeling lonely or vulnerable we are more likely to use sex in an attempt to fill the void and feel connected to others. Any survivor can relate to having unclear boundaries, it is hard for us to know what it is we want and it takes some practice to learn to avoid unwanted or unhealthy sexual encounters.

I guess a good rule of thumb to know when we cross a line into being sexual with someone is to think how we would feel if someone walked in on us, what would they see?. Holding another guy might or might not be sexual, I suppose it depends on what the motivation for the holding is.

I am gay so SSA is not the issue for me, but to avoid unwanted sex when I had very shaky boundaries I would meet friends in public places, if I was alone with someone, taking some time out in the bathroom and checking in with myself would give me a chance to know what it was I wanted in the situation. Eventually I did learn to listen to what I really wanted and made sure I did nothing I would later regret.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this and that your friend said he did not want to see you again. As he said it was he who crossed the line and not you, I hope on reflection he will see that he can keep his own boundaries and that you will be able to continue to be friends.

For you it is a relapse, but 'wrong' is not the word I would use (unless it is against your faith, if you have one), I cannot see that you did anything that could hurt anyone else.

You could post this in the Sexual Identity Issues forum if you want, as guys having SSA issues are more likely to read and respond there.


Hope you can be gentle with yourself at what sounds like a very difficult time.

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#461873 - 03/02/14 12:38 PM Re: Relapse Part 2 **TRIGGERS** [Re: TW16]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey, TW.

It does sound like you are under a bit of stress right now. I will echo Rustam's response and say also, "…be gentle with yourself". The second friend simply sounds embarrassed and realizes he acted inappropriately considering the boundaries you had placed before him.

You guys have a friendship of several years, and he will be okay. He just needs some time to pull his emotions together. Then the two of you can talk it out. I think it will be okay.

Congratulations are in order for you in that you did indeed have clear sexual boundaries with this friend. It is one of the most difficult boundaries for survivors to establish. When in doubt in the future, do meet your friends or friends- to- be in a public arena to avoid any chance of having your boundaries crossed. It is a safety concern as well.

(btw…after requesting three times that your friend stop and take you home, I, for one, am thankful he was your true friend. Someone else could have damaged you in a most abusive, severe way. (forgive me if that was out of place, but as I was reading your post, I became concerned for your safety.) )

Stay steady, be kind to yourself, and give your friend a few days to get over his embarrassment. (Unless you felt truly deeply threatened…and give that some thought…). And good luck with all the employment things.
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