>>Did I do something to make him do this? Did I really want it?
What you wanted was love and affection, which is what every child needs to survive. Do not condemn yourself for having this need.
As Theo mentioned, your abuser was/is a sociopath. Sociopaths are predators. Predators consume their prey. It gives them a thrill, it satiates them for awhile, gives them satisfaction, or the promise of satisfaction.
Sociopaths have no empathy for the feelings of their prey, they show little or no guilt or remorse for the consequences of their actions. To the best of my judgement, these people do not identify with the human emotions of their victims.
So what makes some people turn to the dark side? I believe there are a couple of common traits. The first is a black rage and hostility towards other people, many times masked by an engaging, superficially charming facade. The second is being supremely and utterly selfish, again many times hidden by expressions of caring and empathy.
In other words, sociopaths are bad people. (I'm so insightful
) But if they hold jobs and are able to interact with people successfully, that means they have some "good" qualities too.
That is my dilemma. My abusers (father and stepmother) were high function sociopaths. It has dawned on me fairly recently that I was raised by bad people with some good qualities.
I have no idea if this helps, but wanted to try for both of us.
Scot, your letters to little Scot were very helpful to me. You have a warmth and compassion that comes through very clearly.