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#461398 - 02/24/14 04:25 PM Here it goes... first post
hopeful4healing Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 3
I am so thankful for this site. This is my first post, I am sorry if it gets lengthy.
I have been with my husband for over 8 years, married 3 ½ of the 8. He has had a history of cheating since we have been together- with incidents happening about a year apart. I always believed that he could be an honest, faithful man- so I stuck with him…waiting for this “better, faithful” man to come out. He says he has not “actually” cheated since we have been married. Although, I have caught him twice having inappropriate conversations with other females. This last time was 2 weeks ago- it was through texting, “sexting.” We have a toddler now and I found myself being at wits end with him. I was ready to be done dealing with him. He told me that he thought he had a problem- a deeper problem…That is when he told me he was molested when he was younger. At that point when he told me, I stopped feeling so cold toward him and held him and cried with him. He offered to see our family pastor about counseling. He went first by himself- then I went by myself, then we went together. Our pastor is going to try to locate a therapist that specializes in male csa counseling.
Through all of the years of neglect- I realized that his “acting out” was not in fact toward me. It was not my fault. It was not because I was ugly, worthless, unkind, unsatisfying or any of the other things he made me think about myself when he acted out. He does have a deeper issue that badly needs to be discussed. It was so awful to hear him struggle getting that out- but at the same time it was a relief. Now we have to see where this road takes us.
He has said that he does not wish to tell me any of the details. He does not think that would benefit the situation at all. I agree I am not a therapist. At the same time though, I told him that I am here to listen to whatever he wants to talk to me about. I told him that I have never had so much respect for him as I do now. I feel so much hate toward his abuser. He has not said a name, but I do know it was a male. He has not talked about it since he told me.
We get along great, have common hobbies, share the same interests, have a great sex life… everything is great- except he acts out almost once a year. I have read about “triggers” but I don’t see him acting strangely or pulling back with anything… there are so many posts on this site, but none quite like him.
Any advice on what is ahead of us? Is he going to withdraw from me? I have so many questions and cannot seem to think of any others as I write….

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#461424 - 02/24/14 10:04 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Read read read

We are all a little different.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#461480 - 02/25/14 01:55 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
hopeful4healing Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 3
Thank you so very much for replying, On The Fringe.

It is very comforting to know that someone is actually reading this.

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#461491 - 02/25/14 03:44 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 709
Loc: NJ
We are all reading it wink

When I read your post, I think boundaries. He needs some and you need some. Boundaries are the tool of a healthy person though and it takes some time to work on those.

Unfortunately, infidelity is sometimes a hallmark of this sort of sexual acting out. And it is good to read that you are not taking it personally - such a big thing.

I would however establish some boundaries for your own safety - physical and emotional. Repeated infidelity is not an easy thing to deal with and I just recommend that instead of "waiting for him to become faithful" that you might just insist that you only deal with "faithful." You are driving the car that is your life and your experience in that life.

All survivors are honestly different. I think that there is a chance that he is not openly expressing himself, his fears, his triggers, his issues. So I guess I would recommend that you work on communicating and sharing your own truths. It will bring you closer, create some trust and also provide a calmer backdrop should he decide in earnest to get some help.

Good luck wink

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#461551 - 02/26/14 01:12 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hopeful,

Yes your post is being read, just that many are dealing with their own issues and aren't yet in a place that they feel they can offer any help or advice.

There are schools of thought that suggest that our minds play out the things they are most familiar with.
Thus you may see acting out of the abuse, except in a way that is under the perceived control of the survivor.
This however is an illusion of control, as this plays out mostly unconsciously (meaning we are not aware of why we are doing these things).
The emotions around these incidents become internalized as shame, guilt, anger and any number of emotions.
The second catch is that (at least for me), I had no conscious awareness of these emotions, we repress or dissociate from the emotions so as not to experience them, they are too painful to face.
I was left with unexplainable anger and rage at mostly benign things.

That he has told you and is now seeking help, and both of you are doing so, is very positive.
He is driving the car now (so to speak), and his timetable is the one that matters for him.

My wife is aware of the abuse I suffered, but not the details. I prefer it this way.
I see it as protecting her. It is bad enough that these memories are in my head, I wouldn't want to pollute hers as well.

I'm with fringe on this, learn as much as you can. You're not his therapist, but you can support that work.
I would suggest, Joining Forces by Dr. Howard Fradkin, Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.
There are many others, but these two I found very helpful, even if it was difficult to read at first.

I don't know if I have helped you at all, but maybe shed some light on a confusing situation.

Keep well, and continue to look after yourself as well.
You are worth it.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#461556 - 02/26/14 03:08 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
hopeful4healing Offline


Registered: 02/13/14
Posts: 3
I believe the boundary of being faithful has been set with the last time he acted out. You are right, Esposa, he is not fully expressing himself, fears, triggers, emotions. But I cannot push him to do this either. It has to be at his own pace... from what I've read. How do I go about communicating when I'm walking on egg shells to not push him?
I know he doesn't want to talk about the abuse- he doesn't bring it up. Honestly though, I cannot stop thinking about him and what he went through. I think about my husband now, more than ever. I have been to every website that I could find to research. I want to help him, I cannot help when I do not know what to do. I am ordering both of the books you recommended, Kevin. I'm hoping he doesn't get angry/upset when they arrive at our home. Will he be upset that I'm researching?
Also when you said that the acting out was "an illusion of control, as this plays out unconsciously..." that really hit home. Every time he acted out in the past and I asked why, his response was always "I don't know, I don't know why." I don't want to do anything wrong. I don't want to push him away. I just want to help.

I'm heartbroken/confused/lost and do not know what to do frown

Again, thank you all for replying. I am so thankful for you in more ways than you will ever know. Any bit of advice means so, so much.

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#461570 - 02/26/14 06:15 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hopeful,

I cannot say for certain how he will respond. When I started down this road I was truly invested in trying to improve me. I was not happy with where I was, and something needed to change, so my motivation was quite high. I welcomed any tips, books, suggestions etc.

In terms of how to communicate what you've found, I have become a proponent of Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It is a method of communicating that aims to see everyone's needs met. Although we all talk with our family, friends other people, we usually lack the ability to really communicate in a meaningful way and NVC provides a means to do this.

I would suggest asking yourself what need of yours are you trying to meet by buying the books, or searching online for information, or posting here and including this in your communication. Is it a sense of control, a need to try and fix things, a need to be helpful?
Your searching Is quite commendable and your husband appears lucky to have someone so willing to help in his corner.

I would say something like this....
I know you don't really want to talk about this, and I understand it's painful and confusing, but I need to feel like I'm helping. I spent some time online (anonymously), and received some suggestions for books that others in your situation have found helpful. Would you be willing to have a look at them, in your own time?
This is but one example, but the basis is this, express your interpretation of the situation, or how he may be feeling, or what he may need, what you need out of it and ask if he would be willing to.........

I really felt like I was the only one this had ever happened to, even though I consciously knew this was not the case. Finding this forum, and allowing myself to speak my truth, to others who came before me, and feeling supported by the the other participants here, was affirming beyond words.

Perhaps in time, you can suggest him visiting here as well. He will be welcomed and supported without question.

I feel like I'm writing a novel here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sorry if it seems a little fragmented.

Keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#461572 - 02/26/14 06:59 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 709
Loc: NJ
Wanting to understand and wanting to fix are two different things. All you really have to say is that you suspect the implications of what happened to him as a child have an effect on him and subsequently you. That you want to support him and be someone he can trust and lean on, but that you expect that in return as well.

We are all floored when we find out- but then we realize that this is their battle and we are the cheerleaders and supporters - not the drivers. It takes time though to truly understand that.

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#461599 - 02/26/14 10:14 PM Re: Here it goes... first post [Re: hopeful4healing]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
We all struggle with different aspects of the crime against us.

Shame - we feel guilty, like we consented. Or if our bodies responded, as they do on their own, we think we were willing participants.

I was only 7. I went along with it from my hero teenage boy neighbor.

It is just a sick thing to wrap your head around as a man. What I did when I was a child was disgusting. It was not my fault, and I was lied to and taken advantage of... But it still is horrific to think on.

I have done things in adult life I am ashamed of. I have acted out. I look back and see it was all part of getting to where I am now. I had to hurt enough to want to change.

My lovely wife put up with it, and prayed, and comforted me. I was a tortured soul doing stupid things. In my case it passed as a phase, for the most part.

For a while, no matter how much love she poured in, it leaked out thru the holes in my soul. It just took time and effort on my part to face the abuse memories.

It can get batter. It does take work.

I hope you find peace. CSA spreads the pain around.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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