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#460727 - 02/14/14 01:32 PM Guilt no more
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 391
Loc: west coast
Many men with SSA, or a desire to have sex with another man feel guilt about it and understandably so. I remember asking myself, why do i have those feelings when i have a beautiful wife, great family and life. I wanted it to just go away.
I have met men in group/WoR discussion boards etc who shared the same feelings and more. It went against the grain in their sense of self, religion, community, society and wtf can you do about it?


study just released, the largest even done on male twins show that :being gay is at least partly genetic

http://au.ibtimes.com/articles/538819/20140214/gay-gene-homosexuality-dna-genes-men.htm#.Uv5Qg6WE71o

likely 30-40% with other factors such as hormonal wash in the uterus and epigenetics also at play. And other factors we are not yet sure of but likely will eventually. What is clear is that CSA your father not hugging you or not not praying properly was one of them.

So there is nothing to feel ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed about, but there is a lot to be EMBRACED about.

Orientation is just exactly who you are. Some men are gay, str8 or bi -period. what then becomes the issue is does your orientation match your life. the greatest happiness(isn't that the goal we all seek) comes when our orientation, actions and romantic template all jive. If they don't, then we are living a life not being true to ourselves.

I know its f**king hard when you come to the realization your life is not what you expected it to be, but the only way to true happiness is to embrace whatever your deepest desires are as long as they are not illegal or fattening.

I live as a gay man now after years of living a "heterosexual lifestyle", with the support of my ex, my kids and my bf. My best friend is Bi, he was afraid to be honest with his wife, but when i finally did, he found out she was also bi (women seem to have more fluid sexuality). I know that it doesn't always work out that way but the more educated people become and gain understanding, then the less people will be judgemental and assign blame.

However you chose to live is entirely up to the person. But now there need be no guilt about having SSA or an orientation to being attracted to men. That part is not a choice no matter how it came to be.

Happy Valentines Day

grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#460783 - 02/15/14 09:30 AM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
crockybr Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 6
Loc: São Paulo
Hello Grant,

I face similar feelings. My question is, are you happier now with your sexuality and life in general?

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#460807 - 02/15/14 04:57 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 391
Loc: west coast
thanks for asking crockybr

my son : "dad that was the best xmas ever!" . me: because of the ski trip?
my son: " no dad you and mom don't yell at each other anymore and i don't remember the last time you yelled at me!"

my office manager: " you are more present when your here, you are nicer to be around and your assertiveness with problem clients shows that you are willing to protect your staff. It means a lot to us."

my ex: " that took a lot of courage to do what you did, telling me the truth. I was not happy about it , but now when i know what i am dealing with , i can get on with my life. I used to feel lonely sometimes being next to you and i could never understand it. I do now. At first, I thought the tears would never end but you have allowed me to find a man who is a great guy who deeply cares for me. Thank you. On some level i will always love you."

my exes boyfriend said to her: "I can see why you fell in love with him, he is a funny smart friendly guy."

my boyfriend: " baby i love you, you being so open about stuff has been so freeing. my best friend said she can see a difference in me and that you are the only boyfriend that has accepted me for me. she said i would always try to change to act like i thought my boyfriend wanted me to be, with you i get to be me unconditionally."

me: I get to look in the mirror and not feel that i can't meet my own gaze. Gone is the shame, the guilt and self loathing. I still and always will regret some of the things I did but for the first time in my life, I really like me. I got to wake up wrapped in my man's sweaty hairy beefy arms this morning, kiss like teenagers and snuggle like it was the last embrace on earth.

I know there will always be struggles with certain trust and other issues, its a one step at a time process, but you tell me. Do I sound like a happier man?
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#460809 - 02/15/14 05:04 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
you DO sound like a happy man.
i am happy for you.
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#460823 - 02/15/14 10:40 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
crockybr Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 6
Loc: São Paulo
Hello Grant,

thank you for sharing so much of your life with us!

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#461185 - 02/20/14 07:12 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
He Grant,

You sure do sound like a happy man. i myself am still not sure about all this, but at least i am open to the possibility that its different from what i think it was. At times i thought i was gay, at times i dismissed this thought, but i know now that its all part of the process of opening up to who i really am. So i cant say for myself where i will come out..
I still have a lot of healing to do, but let me say as a hetero (thats how i now see myself in this part of my healing), you're inspiring!

And thats what humbles me, makes me feel human again. All these people here sharing their story and sharing what they've achieved - for good and bad

I am proud of you, even though i never met you. You show us what dignity and being true to oneself can bring!
I hope one day i'll know 100% for myself what i am at a sexual level. And ofcourse hoping to find out the rest too wink

You've just showed me the beautiful and powerful being you are! Thank you for that! I wish you all the best and i wish for all of us to find this certainty!

Pieter


Edited by OCN (02/20/14 07:15 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#461239 - 02/21/14 06:28 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 391
Loc: west coast
thanks OCN

I appreciate the kind words, the way i look at it, we are all have much to be proud for, because we found this site.

I struggled so long thinking if i could just somehow be in the moment with my wife at the time, i would get it. But there was always a movie in the background. I bought tapes on how to please your wife. My massages are killer,lol.

I envied the alpha "he-men" that just seemed to ooze confidence in themselves and their sexuality so easily. I just thought i was marching to a different drummer.
Men like us truly struggle with our sexuality when its fucked up by CSA. I think for most their sexuality is just who they are. You don't have to ask str8 guys , when they knew they would be str8, aren't you curious , just a little? ( i thought i was bi - curious) . Gay men I know would never DREAM of being with a woman, and lesbians i know would rather cut their dicks off( sorry bad analogy).

But for us, and i am speaking about me, it wasn't til a man truly kissed me and made love to me ( not that long ago) that i finally knew. But then it didn't end there. Was it a real feeling or was it, like a therapist said , a hyper response due to CSA, sort of like a dose of heroin for a junky, just a " fix" just " acting out! ( hate this term, its so degrading). So I think you really almost have to see if you like it by trying it. I would have NEVER know i was truly gay until i gave into the curiosity to just "see". I had been approached many times in my life but either because i was just naive, afraid or afraid of what i might feel, avoided and ran from any contact. Intimacy therefore, even with my wife was never "real" no matter how badly i wanted it to be.

A trained sex therapist, a brutal self analysis, or just dumb luck, find a way to find out. You owe it to those you love and to yourself.

I am not powerful and beauty is about seeing that in others, but what i did do was take off any preconceived shades of my glasses and let my feelings finally out. Nothing more. we all have them, we are all just as capable. we can all do it.

Pieter , i wish you well on your quest, you will find out 100% if you truly want to search and and do the work to understand. You may find out you are not 100% gay or str8 as some are truly bi, thats cool.

Ultimately though , its not about the sex, though its a wonderful bonus. Its about you and how you feel as you work towards finding yourself.

It would have been so wonderful to have know that i could stay and be a husband and father in the place i was. That would have been ideal, I hope it works out for you crockybr. But now , i am a true partner in my real skin, a better father, and a better man to my ex.

thanks again for those words,

ps turns out i wasn't marching to a different drummer, i was in an entirely different parade ; ). Find your float, and your parade route becomes obvious

cheers
grant



Edited by 1lifenow (02/21/14 06:31 PM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#461412 - 02/24/14 08:40 PM Re: Guilt no more [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:07 PM)

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