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#461095 - 02/19/14 03:36 PM my intro
p.aulmartin Offline


Registered: 02/18/14
Posts: 4
Hi everyone.
I'm 50yrs old, married, father of 2, living in the Chicago-burbia area.

On the one hand I am overjoyed to find this site. On the other hand, after reading some of the stories here, I can't help but think that my issue(s) are pretty minor in comparison.
I particularly resonate with those of you who had domineering mothers who either abused, or came very close to that line.

In my case, I had things happen to me that had nothing to do with my mother & in which she knew nothing of, yet it seems to me that most of my hangups today are about her. She was, most definitely, a very domineering person, especially as she related to me, the oldest son.

This seemed to get bumped up a gear following a doctor’s exam when I was about 6. I am uncircumcised. The doctor tried to retract my foreskin all the way but could not. So, he forced it back. This caused a lot of pain & some bleeding. The doctor scolded my mother for not “doing her job”…. He instructed her to retract my foreskin at every bath time and ensure the head got clean.

That ushered in 3yrs of demeaning hell. At the end of every bath she would swoop into the bathroom, command me to lay back in the tub… she’d reach in, yank my foreskin back hard, pin it back with one hand, and then soap up the head and do this pinching, rubbing like motion with the other hand.
At first there was still residual pain from my trip to the doc’s office. Gradually that gave way, but the sense that this was some awful chore assigned to her, that it was all my fault, etc., lingered on. When she was done, she would always wash her hands at the sink as tho she had been handling something dirty.

There were times when I would be stiff when she’d come in. This always angered her. She’d scold me about playing with myself. She always seemed to yank on me extra hard when she’d notice this.
As a side-note, that was one of her MAIN rules. Somewhre in there I had discovered that if I lay on my tummy & make rubbing motions, it felt good. But I quickly discovered that this was against the rules. She caught me a couple of times & shamed me, told me how dirty this was, etc. There for a couple of years if she saw me just laying on my belly, she’d accuse me of doing it. She would make me roll over onto my back. If I protested that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, she’d slide her hand down the front of my pants or pull them out from my waist to look & see if I was telling the truth.
Well, there’s more I could say.
To me there is great irony in the fact that while even at the time I considered this behavior on her part to be demeaning & domineering, at the same time it became sexualized in my mind…or the closest thing something can be to sexualized in the mind of a 6-9yr old boy. I hated what she was doing and yet there was something gratifying about the attention. Years later… even tho I married a woman NOTHING like her, I still sexually fantasize about being with a woman LIKE her, and have in fact had several affairs with very aggressive women. I know this isn’t healthy.
[whew]
I have to stop for now.
Thank you for reading.

Paul

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#461097 - 02/19/14 03:50 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3317
Loc: O Kanada
dear paul,
welcome to ms.org,
no need to compare your experience with anyone else's.
it is not a good idea to minimize your own personal experience.
but you do need to put it into perspective FOR YOU.
no two stories are the same.
chances are, though, you will find people here with issues very close to yours.

the discomfort is how your memories are intruding or interfering with your ability to enjoy your present life ,
that is important, i think.
that is what makes us all the same here, regardless of details.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#461098 - 02/19/14 03:58 PM Re: my intro [Re: victor-victim]
p.aulmartin Offline


Registered: 02/18/14
Posts: 4
Thank you for the kind words.
I have had some people tell me that the doc was a quack for what he did to me... however, I suppose the other side of the coin is to say that this was a LONG time ago, in a culture where/when 90% or more of all boys were circumcised, so... maybe he was clueless.
As to the thing with my mother, I've often wondered how many other guys went through something similar in the tub.

Thanks again.

Paul

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#461103 - 02/19/14 04:24 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3317
Loc: O Kanada
i was a child of the 1960's canadian social welfare medical system... all my docs were quacks smirk
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#461104 - 02/19/14 04:42 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
Landscape Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 38
Paul,
Thanks for sharing your story.

There's no need to compare your experience to others. There's no objective scale we can use to weigh our experiences, and even if there were, the issue isn't what happened. The issues are how it's impacted you, how you integrate it into yourself and how you move forward.

I'm just now starting to come to grips with how my experiences have impacted various areas of my life, and I know it will be long journey. I know I'm worth the effort, and so are you.

I'm pretty new here as well, so I tell you what others have told me.
Welcome.
I'm glad you are here.
I'm sorry that you have to be here.
You are not alone.

Share at your own pace and be well.
_________________________
--
"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out"

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#461120 - 02/19/14 08:15 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Paul,

From reading your post there is nothing minor about what you experienced, you are sadly in the right place what happened was traumatic, abusive and wrong. It is hardly surprising you sexualised your mothers behaviour, the abuse was sexual in nature. There is something particularly insidious about her behaviour, she is supposedly helping you with hygiene but is really acting out her own disturbed agenda. As for the doctor being clueless he was unnecessarily cruel, maybe he had an agenda about circumcision and was angry to see someone not circumcised. In my culture we do not have circumcision and there is no big deal about hygiene, boys are told how to wash and left to get on with it.
Welcome here, I hope you find it helpful.

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#461128 - 02/19/14 09:23 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hey Paul,

I am sorry for your reason to be here.
If you have not discovered yet, you surely will realize abuse is abuse, and pain is pain.
There are no degrees of abuse here, just those who have been abused.

Welcome,
Take care of yourself, and do what feels right to you.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#461138 - 02/19/14 10:47 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Dear Paul,

Ditto's to what others have said. There is no hierarchy of abuse experiences. What happened to you and how it affected you is all you need to focus on.

And BTW, even if your doctor had nicely explained to your mother the importance of cleaning under the foreskin, her handling of that task and of your periodic erections was totally inappropriate and harmful. She sounds like she had a problem with males in general, but took it out on you. I'm sorry you had to experience that, but you've come to a good place to help your healing.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#461141 - 02/19/14 11:04 PM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3356
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Paul - welcome!

please don't minimize your experience.
it sounds horrendous to me.
i hope you can find some comfort and support and encouragement here.
we are here for you.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#461160 - 02/20/14 07:07 AM Re: my intro [Re: p.aulmartin]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Hey Paul,

I come from mother-son abuse as well.

I have struggled with, and still struggle with, the thought you mentioned in your introduction:

Originally Posted By: p.aulmartin
On the other hand, after reading some of the stories here, I can't help but think that my issue(s) are pretty minor in comparison.

I really think this kind of thought process is but a legacy of the toxic environment you grew up in. My friends on MS have shown me that my pain and suffering which resulted from my abuse are very much real - as are yours - and that they should not be minimized.

I hope you will find what you are looking for here.
_________________________
Husky

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