Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueturtle (46), David C (40), DavidC (40), Derdlecar (61), Hector (54)
Who's Online
2 registered (susie, 1 invisible), 20 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63359 Topics
443048 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#460979 - 02/17/14 10:00 PM Fell in love..now what??
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hi everyone,
It has been a while since my last post. A lot in my life has changed since then and a lot has stayed the same. I am not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this but I don't know where else to go.

I fell in love with someone. We were actually best friends before our feelings for each other turned into love. We met little over a year ago. We were colleagues and we started talking and hanging out at work. We shared our problems and we understood each other. She was with someone else for the first few months and we were the best of friends, confided in each other about our problems. She knew EVERYTHING about me. After the love of her life, who she was with, broke up with her, we got even closer. About 6 months ago, we realized that somewhere along the line our feelings for each other had changed. But we didn't want to start a relationship because neither of us was ready for one. During these past few months she was still in love with her ex and couldn't get over him. But she also kept telling me on numerous occasions that she was in love with me. And I tried to be there for her, trying to play the part of a good friend, listening to her talk about him every day, giving her a shoulder to cry on. I knew in the back of my mind, that even though she was in love with me, if push came to shove, shed choose him over me without hesitation.

And now her ex finally wants to get back with her and hes got plans for a life with her.

I am having a really tough time with this. I am really depressed and have been crying a lot. The pills don't seem to be helping. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. Why is this happening to me? As if I didn't have enough issues to deal with in life. I had to go and fall for her. My first love is in love with someone else! And she's going to build a life with him. A life that I wished for me and her.

I wish I wasn't so sensitive. A part of me is really angry with myself. How could I have been so stupid as to let my guard down?!? How did I not see this coming? A friend at work who sensed my feelings for her had warned me, 'The guy she was with beat the living hell out of her and she still went back to him. You should walk away and it's the right thing to do to protect yourself'. But I dismissed him saying to myself, "He doesn't know her like I do". Just the thought of her building a life with someone else hurts so much. I know I'll be happy for her in the end, because she'll be happy and that's all I want for her. But how do I get over this initial pain. How do I get over her? I'm trying to distract myself but she's all I ever think about.

Before I met her I had this plan of giving life a shot until I turn 30 and if I didn't find something to live for by then, I'd end it (I'm 27). My love for her gave me a dream. I started thinking about a life with her and it gave me something to strive towards. It motivated me. But now it's gone and I just don't know what in this world would ever make me feel that way again.

I am sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. I just want someone to understand how much it hurts.
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
#460980 - 02/17/14 10:26 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1614
The Irregular

I am sorry for your troubles. You gave much and were brave to go beyond your comfort zone--but relationships are difficult--you had taken your time, you were cautious and you had expectations for a happy life thereafter. It is best it happened now and not later--I know this is of little comfort to you--you are hurting. Time is what you need, you will reflect on the good times and you will find love and happiness again. It is painful to loss a love, like many of us here have, but each time I found a way to move forward.

As I was healing and recovering I found I could open up about myself, I could share and I knew what to look for in a person--today after a divorce which was quite acrimonious I have no ill feelings for her,I only hope she faces her past and what happened as well as one day to open her mind and heart about the devastation of CSA, but most importantly she finds happiness. Bitterness in the heart does not allow anyone to heal and move forward.

You are young and have a lifetime ahead of you. You did not let your guard down, you opened up to a human being that you connected with. She gave you happiness, joy and times you will remember. It is part of who you are and you have so many more roads to travel. Do not close down, take your time, keep your expectations in check and learn to enjoy people. Being together can be wonderful and enjoy the companionship, intimacy and well being a relationship can bring. Unfortunately, she had a past that she could not forget--you being the person you are, most likely want her to be happy. A sign of maturity, a sign that there is someone out there who will bring you this happiness.

I am sorry you are hurting, but do not isolate yourself, seek your friends and do not shut down. I know CSA makes us skeptical, cautious and guarded but as you heal you will accept so much more in life.

I wish I was 27 years old again--age, time and healing bring wisdom. You learn to understand and accept people, you see people for who they are. I hope you do not give up, you have survived something far worse, CSA. This is a pimple compared to what your survived and are facing in your recovery. Today, I am happy and have find a situation that gives both her and I companionship, intimacy and support but are expectations are in sync. Setting common expectations is important, once expectations are not aligned the relationship can change and not always in a way that is satisfactory to both parties.

Keep well and keep us posted on your progress. Take your time.

Kevin

Top
#460982 - 02/17/14 11:02 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for the response.

For the past few weeks, I kept telling myself exactly what you said, "It is best it happened now rather than later", because as each day passed it felt like I was falling deeper and deeper for her.

It's funny that you should advice me not to isolate myself. Just the other day I received a text from a colleague asking me why I was shutting everyone out, why I have stopped responding, how it feels like I am putting walls up again. Isolation is a common strategy us survivors use that eventually works against us. But the thing that scares me most about this whole thing is that I can't imagine being that open with someone else again, let alone finding someone who would be as understanding as she is. All I can hope is that time will heal.

I read somewhere that when you truly give your heart to someone, you either end up finding happiness or a life lesson. I think I have had a bit of both.

And you are right. I do not harbor any bitterness towards her whatsoever. It's just that a part of me - i guess one could call it selfish - wishes her happiness was with me as mine was with her. She is in love with me but I just have to come to terms with the fact that she loves him more.

I'm hoping time will give me the strength to get back to functioning day to day, because right now I am just an emotional wreck.
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
#460995 - 02/18/14 06:42 AM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 59
Loc: UK
Had a similar experience last year. Fell for a woman (first time I was in love with some one since I started recovery/ I was heavily depressed at the time and only being around her seemed to make me care free and always happy) and I told her I loved her and she decided to choose the other guy interested in her.

She tried to use me as a safety net whilst she tested the water with the other guy. But I was abrupt, not very pleasant in the face of rejection and I could see through all her little lies and she didn't like that. She would say she wasn't interested in anyone when I knew she was and I just wanted her to tell me she chose the other guy so I wasn't left in the 'maybe something will happen category.' She wanted to still be friends and I refused. I really didn't handle the subtle manipulation and lies well it re-triggered me and also she turned other friends against me by telling them that I was out of order (I never found out what she said... I didn't really care what the exact words were I was aware of the nature but she spoke to our mutual friends and they would choose her over me but they were all quite spineless).

It took 4 months of no contact to get over her. Not spoke to her now in like 7 months and I have no feelings for her anymore except in my mind she was foolish to choose him over me but I guess that is life its easier for people to date, get emotionally involved and move on when they don't have a history of CSA and the painful/ angry memories associated with it. Also I met her at a real low point of my life so I wasn't well mentally but I never told her my CSA problems.... I was about to but then I found out she preferred some one else and part of me was glad I never shared with her and another part thought maybe sharing would help her show why I was having a bad few years... anyway what happened happened and as you say its life lessons for the next one.

I really can't stand the other guy but don't feel like going into it as it would come across as jealousy when in fact he was just a boring, superficial coward who would try to put himself on a pedestal with everyone but it never worked with me as I could see right through it and I have a real personality clash with those sort of people so there is disdain between us.

Dan

Top
#461002 - 02/18/14 12:32 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hey theIrregular,

I have been considering what I can offer to you for over an hour, and I am honestly having difficulty finding something to try to perk you up. I realize that I cannot make you feel anything (neither can anyone else), I can only demonstrate support for you in some way.

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It sounds as if you gave into being human, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and projected a future for yourself and this girl.
I want to remind you that these are all good things, and things that do not come easily to many of us who were abused.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is a binding trait, it is what allows us to see each other for who we really are, as opposed to the masks we put on regularly. That it has seemingly ended differently that the way you envisioned it, doesn't take away from the fact that you chose to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and derived benefit from doing so.

How we think about something directly affects how we feel about it.
Can you change the channel, can consider a different thought or thoughts about the situation?
You still have someone you can talk to, confide in, and trust, in this girl.
Finding people like this in our lives is not easy, and even if you pictured things differently, you still have a very good friend, don't you?
Besides if you can develop that type of closeness with one person, is it that far fetched that you can find it with someone else?

Originally Posted By: theIrregular

Before I met her I had this plan of giving life a shot until I turn 30 and if I didn't find something to live for by then, I'd end it (I'm 27).


I have much greater concern for this statement. If you are seeing a therapist, please address this as soon as possible, if you are not, please do so. This statement requires being addressed. The time frame you've mentioned is a woefully short period of time to allow for a happiness you probably cannot even define, is ludicrous. Most of life happens after this age, when the pressures of youth, and school and cliques and the like are distant memories.

Lastly I want to suggest you read or listen to a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, and A New Earth. They are not a panacea, but taking in different ideas, and becoming aware of how we think and act, can be trans-formative. Seeing things through the eyes of the past, clouds our judgement, and projecting the future as better than or worse than right now ignores the present moment.
Ask yourself, "What, at this moment is lacking", I am sure you can compile a list of things you might wish were different, but does it prevent you from being present right now?

I think I am blathering on a little much, so I will leave you with those thoughts.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

Top
#461012 - 02/18/14 02:01 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
Tiger1982 Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Slovakia
Hello, theIrregular,

I don't have the right words to make you feel better. I'm very sorry for what has happened to you and that your girl has chosen the other guy... I can understand how you feel, my friend, when I read your words, It was as I would read my story... I know how painful it is to hope for a happy future with your sweetheart and then to realize that it won't happen... I've been there... Something similar has happened to me, too... You open up, share your innermost feelings, you feel understood, you hope that maybe now things will start to get better when there is a loving partner by your side... And suddenly it's all gone.I hope that you will very soon let go of the pain and sorrow. May the days that lie ahead of you be full of light. I'm sure that there is a woman out there who is waiting for you and dreams of a happy life with you, my friend. Love yourself, you are very important and you deserve the best in the world.

Peace

Andy
_________________________
Out of the dark, into the light.

Top
#461044 - 02/18/14 09:23 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I am sorry it has not worked out for you, it is a cliche but time will heal the hurt and pain. Not that it is any consolation but if it is true that her partner has beaten her up then she has made the wrong choice.

I really wanted to say that in my twenties I gave myself four years to find life worth living and I made what was meant to be a lethal suicide attempt. Obviously my attempt failed and now twenty years later I am so glad it did fail, don't think I would have believed anyone who told me that, but it is true.

I would suggest from my own experience that the temptation to isolate be resisted in as far as you can, my immediate reaction to rejection or hurt is to isolate but it honestly makes the feelings worse and creates its own downward spiral.

Wishing you healing from the hurt.

Top
#461057 - 02/18/14 11:42 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: takingitslow]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Dan,
Thank you for replying.

It gives me comfort to know that someone out there once felt what I am going through. With that said, I am still hurting and it feels like its going to hurt for a long while.
I am familiar with being subtly lied to and being told 'I am not sure where my future is right now' (which I believe was actually an honest assessment).

She would often tell me she had no interest in a relationship and I told her that it wasn't the right time for me either.
After we proclaimed our love for each other, every so often she'd lie to me about going to meet her ex and hide things for me.

This one time she blew me off saying she was having a bad day and that she was going home to rest. I later found out that the reason she went home was because her ex was supposed to drop by and pick something up. When I asked her about it the next day, she said that it was no big deal and that I was over thinking.

All I wanted was an answer from her. About whether she saw a future for us. And she wouldn't give me that. And now her ex has finally 'decided' he is still in love with her and wants to have a future. And she seems to see a future with him. She told me she's still hesitant to trust him, but what he's offering seemed to convince her otherwise.

I was mining the net for some helpful tips on the situation when I came across a post that said that people sometimes keep other people around to fill their void until the one they really want reciprocates their feelings.
I think that is exactly what she was doing. Not maliciously, of course. She's been through a lot in her life and I don't see her being that malicious.
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
#461059 - 02/18/14 11:45 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Kevin (Adam A Gedman),

Thank you for replying.

I do want to salvage the friendship with her and I don't. It's complicated.

The last time her ex 'wanted from space' (That was his excuse for breaking up with her and over the past 8 months even though they weren't in a relationship, they would often talk and every couple of months he'd tell her he wasn't in love with her and wanted some space) from her, she was really depressed and came to me, telling me how much she missed me and how much she missed our friendship. So we made movie plans for a weekend, just as friends. Then her ex told her wants a relationship with her. She dodged movies with me for three weeks, at which point I just gave up.

Her ex actually accused her of cheating on him and when she cleared that up with him, he is now ready to start a relationship with her again. I think she doesn't want her ex to find out that there was something going on between me and her. And besides an emotional connection of love, there was nothing going on between us. I mean, this is the same woman who once told me that she would never let a guy come between me and her, because I meant so much to her.

So, I am really not sure if there is anything worth salvaging anymore.
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
#461061 - 02/18/14 11:48 PM Re: Fell in love..now what?? [Re: theIrregular]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Andy, Rustam,

Thank you for replying.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I do know that time will heal the wounds. But right now, everything feels so difficult. She's all I am thinking about. I wonder what she's doing at a certain time, may be she's picking up her kid from school, has she been eating properly, has she been taking her meds?

Resisting the urge to contact her is the hardest thing I am facing every day. I know the more I keep in touch, the more it hurts. Because I haven't found acceptance yet. But I do need to move on. I keep telling myself my life is sad enough, I never wanted to be in love with someone who was in love with someone else and definitely not anymore.

And I'm really afraid, to be honest. I don't have meaningful connections with people, as you can imagine. I never opened up myself to anyone like I did to her. The fear is that I am not going to find anyone else that I can trust so much again. I mean, of the 50 employees I worked with everyday, she was the only one who I could remotely feel close to. I just don't know if I will ever find someone like that again.
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.