Newest Members
JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish, JPmc
12437 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carperson (26), Daryoush (59), Gary31 (48), Overburdened78 (33), scaredcrappie (29), ThomasO (63), Wornoutsoul (38), WRR (34), zakwilde005 (45)
Who's Online
8 registered (MrsC, Sonata1, Mr. Malaise, peroperic2009, Obi, 2 invisible), 13 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12437 Members
74 Forums
63848 Topics
445829 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#460947 - 02/17/14 12:21 PM Struggling with drugs and new memories
Zero Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 35
Loc: Tennessee
Hello all, I feel the urge rant a bit about my current situation.

First off I am struggling hard with drugs and am using daily now just to get by. I am under the influence of drugs even while I write this. I just feel so lost without drugs but seriously want to quit. Especially when I am stoned like now, like I realize its bad for me but I do it anyway. Its crazy to feel safer stoned than it is to be normal and thats how I feel.

Second thing thats probably got me off smoking a pipe everyday is I am dealing with memories coming back. Some very intense stuff that may make the difference between molestation and rape. I can barely deal with being molested as a child let alone raped by my only brother. It has me crying everyday without marijuana, I don't know how to deal with it sober. I thought maybe I would just smoke some weed and be done with it but the pain keeps coming back when the high is over.

Okay rant over,

Am I the only person thats going through this? I feel I am losing my mind.

Top
#460954 - 02/17/14 01:29 PM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
Landscape Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 39
Hi Zero,
I think we all know and understand what you are feeling. Rant away. I know I'll listen.

I'll also tell you something that made a big difference to me. "You're not crazy (or losing your mind). You're in pain."

As far as dealing with the pain and knowing how to deal with it sober, I don't think there are any quick fixes. If there were, someone would have shared it with us by now. When you read the support and posts from all the people here, you have to know that recovery is possible. It's hard work, but it's possible.

I see from your earlier posts that you haven't had success finding a T, yet. You're here, and you're talking. That's a good start. Keep trying.

What happened to you wasn't your fault, and you deserve recovery from it. You're worth it.
_________________________
--
"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out"

Top
#460965 - 02/17/14 05:05 PM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Dear Zero,

The difference between sucking your brother (rape) and his ejaculation on you (molestation) is irrelevant. Though my brother did this to me, he did not penetrate me anally.

Ranting about the violation and the pain and betrayal you feel is necessary, if not now, when? I drank to oblivion for 25 years before I let the memories overwhelm me. It took two years more get sober.

I have now been in therapy for 20 years and sober 22 years. I no longer think I have psychotic features, though I still suffer from chronic major depression. I have not cut or burned myself in about 3 years.

What happened to you molestation, rape, by family members or others was not caused by you. Even if you think you had a choice to participate, it is insidious. When the choice is do you want one kind of damage or another, that is not a choice it is simply what you did to survive.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

May you find peace and safety, sober or (for now) fucked up.

Top
#461001 - 02/18/14 12:06 PM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Landscape]
Zero Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 35
Loc: Tennessee
Originally Posted By: Landscape
Hi Zero,
I think we all know and understand what you are feeling. Rant away. I know I'll listen.

I'll also tell you something that made a big difference to me. "You're not crazy (or losing your mind). You're in pain."


Yeah I can relate to that, thanks

Originally Posted By: Landscape
As far as dealing with the pain and knowing how to deal with it sober, I don't think there are any quick fixes. If there were, someone would have shared it with us by now. When you read the support and posts from all the people here, you have to know that recovery is possible. It's hard work, but it's possible.


Well I am quitting drugs after today so I'll have to figure something out. I might go to the psych ward again but something has got to give, drugs are making me way too paranoid to function. Plus I am realizing I am not really cut out to break the law.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
The difference between sucking your brother (rape) and his ejaculation on you (molestation) is irrelevant. Though my brother did this to me, he did not penetrate me anally.


Thanks for that, I have a head knowledge that this is the case but its hard to feel that way.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
May you find peace and safety, sober or (for now) fucked up.


Well I am quitting after today, kinda freaking out about it but I just going to get rid of everything.

Top
#461073 - 02/19/14 07:33 AM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
Landscape Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 39
Good luck to you. I hope you find the strength and patience and determination you need to get you through it.
_________________________
--
"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out"

Top
#461148 - 02/20/14 12:15 AM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1570
Loc: New England
Zero,

Many of us have gone on for years using whatever we could to numb ourselves, to avoid feeling the pain, shame and anger. For better or worse, that can't be sustained indefinitely. Eventually you have to feel something.

Kudo's to you for trying to put away the drugs, but please consider getting yourself into some kind of support system. Getting sober is not something that most people can do successfully on their own. And once sober, when all those feelings are unmasked, it can be overwhelming. You don't have to go through this alone.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

Top
#461159 - 02/20/14 06:58 AM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 752
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Zero,

There has been a lot of great sharing here. I just want to say I feel all the crying you do is fine. If there are tears buried in you, the let them out is my way of thinking. I'm always grateful when I can get my tears out. You are going through a lot, Zero, but each time you get through another tough period, you gain experience, and have the opportunity to get stronger. When it's happening to me I often have a hard time actually seeing something positive coming out of so much pain, but I always eventually see the benefits of continuing to put one step in front of the other and taking it one day at a time.

I'll echo another poster. You're not crazy, you're in pain. The more you are able to express your feelings, the more you release the pain. It just may be that there is a lot to release.

You are in my thoughts,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#461190 - 02/20/14 09:46 PM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
Hi Zero,

For myself, I had memories come back under the influence of drugs. From that point forward, getting high was no longer fun for me as I just became extremely paranoid to the point of becoming catatonic and extremely afraid (the memories and my fixation on them would get very amplified while high.) I was young at the time the memories came back (I was 19) and at the time all I really wanted was for the memories to disappear. I kept getting high because I thought it was who I was and what I needed to do to pretend nothing were not different for me (I just wanted to go on as I always had before the memories.) Unfortunately, and this was just how it worked for me, I drove myself into darker and darker places because of this. For my own mental health I wish I would have quit right then and got help for what I was going through (though at the time I didn't see reaching out for help as an option - I just didn't know any better.)

I guess what I am getting at is see if you can get yourself sober and reach out for help with this. It hurts to face this stuff, but it doesn't go away on its own no matter how much a person tries to force the memories to disappear, at least that was my experience. I ended up struggling for many years with alcohol, I believe because of this, and also wish I would not have let myself slip down that path. I truly believe you can make faster and higher quality progress with a clear mind. I was told that in regards to my drinking and dealing with trauma, but I could not stop at the time. Now that I have, it is easier to process things, though now I also struggling with the damage and wasted time that has been a result of my drinking and other behaviors.

Just some thoughts from my own experience, not to say this is universal to everyone.

Eric

Top
#461197 - 02/21/14 12:01 AM Re: Struggling with drugs and new memories [Re: Zero]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3364
Loc: O Kanada
i have been struggling to eliminate smoking from my life completely.
since the age of 12 i have been smoking cigarettes and marijuana, most of the time, with smokeless periods as long as one year, here and there.
even when i am smoking, i do not smoke more than 5 smokes a day, and usually only 3, but i can never manage to get it to zero for longer than a year.
i mix the tobacco with the weed, montreal style, as we say in canada.

i just finished a two month quit, started smoking again about a week ago. something big and bad always happens, and i start to suffer severe anxiety. the anxiety builds up, and compounds, until i am completely stressed out and snapping at every obstacle, and life is full of obstacles. eventually, not even prayer can calm me down, and i start to freak out to the point where i worry that i am starting to lash out, and my responses to normal situations are inappropriate, and i am over-reacting to every little negative stimulus, i fall back on the smoke for about a week.
then i run out of supply, and i begin the process all over again.

i prayed for help, power, and wisdom to deal with this 40 year addiction. this is what i got from god...

Proverbs 26:11
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

2 Peter 2:22
A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.

i will be attempting to go "without" again, and again, until i am finally free of this external dependancy.
i will not quit quitting.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.