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#460901 - 02/16/14 10:17 PM "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead?
morgan662 Offline


Registered: 01/13/14
Posts: 13
Loc: New York City
I haven't posted my story yet, but will soon. I just feel like even before my abusive incident happened, I've had some kind of marker on me that alerts potential sexual abusers to a good subject.

Especially since the abuse, I get constant unwanted sexual advances, and I am not gay. Just the other night, a man who I thought was a kind old Korean man (at least 70) tried to sexually attack me in my own home (he was making a delivery). I called the police, but they didn't take it seriously because of his age.

At first I tried to tell myself it was dementia, but this is a guy I've known for years who runs a successful business. Does this happen to other men and I'm just more sensitive to it because of my abuse?

-Morgan

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#460913 - 02/16/14 11:48 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
morgan662,

Yes.

See my post on "sissy boy"

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0761#Post460761

Pufferfish

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#460931 - 02/17/14 08:52 AM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Morgan

I'm really sorry that happened to you The other night -that's rough.

I see that you're relatively new here and I strongly encourage you to take full advantage of the resources, articles, books and forum here on the website so you can make progress in understanding, reclaiming, reframing and rebuilding a beautiful life.

We learn how to take care of ourselves and keep ourselves safe and strong on this journey of recovery. Keep sharing and moving forward!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#460938 - 02/17/14 10:05 AM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Many people are serially victimized. SA has impacts on self-confidence, on boundaries of tolerated behavior, on overall demeanor, on vulnerability.... on conceiving just what you are worth, what you are good for. Posture. Eye contact. Tone of voice. Society is full of sickos and they can spot the signs.

Being raped left me jittery and passive - red meat for bullies. My terror and helplessness in the face of bullies in turn left me susceptible for an arrangement of "protection" from another boy, and his protection came with a price. I paid it every time. Like a line of dominoes - all fall down.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#460940 - 02/17/14 10:41 AM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Morgan

I am sorry you have these feelings and unwanted advances. I believe we some how relay a sense of hopelessness that attracts unwanted attacks. It is through recovery and healing we learn to look ourselves differently, we see value and we appreciate who we are. CSA robs us of who we are and self worth. You are recognizing the abuse and in time I believe as you value who you are, life will change.

Your title made me look at my life and made me wonder why me in so many situations. Why did I attract bad acts and events? Not to take away from you, I realize I have had incidents in my life others will never understand--why me I would ask.

1. CSA at such a young age in my church. Everyone here is grappling with this event.
2. At the age of 18 I was in a five car tractor trailer accident in the midst of a major snowstorm on an interstate highway. All five cars destroyed and miraculously no serious injuries. The vision of the accident haunted me for months in my dreams and daily life. I would feel the thump and the car being pushed down the highway by the jackknifed truck and the wreckage that surrounded me. We were stranded 90 miles from home, no where to go until someone knew someone who knew someone.
3. At age 19, in college during a professor meeting, the professor was a Jesuit, fell and is hands hit my groin-setting off an angry reaction from me. I pushed him away. This put me into a tail spin, flashbacks and nightmares occurred. It took months before I felt somewhat recovered. I was able to push the memories back into that dark place within me. I do not know if the priest's actions were intentional or accidental. But why me, did he know I let a priest do this to me? A few weeks after the incident he was sent away for rehab--I thought alcohol but now wonder if it was for some other form of rehab.
3. At age 25 I was mugged--I was walked out of NYC subway station onto a bridge. I was beat in the face--but was able to walk away. Reported but no respect from the police--I was put back on the subway to fend for my way home. Face was swollen and I was quite confused and lost. I had trouble sleeping and the memories of the mugging and abuse would creep into my dreams for months. I felt so violated.
4. At age 40 I experienced neurocardiogenic syncope. Blood pressure would drop and I would pass out. The first time I fell down the stairs and was found at the bottom of the stairs. A few minor bruises. The black outs continued for months and I never knew when they would occur. It took doctors months to find a way to control. During this period my younger brother passed away at age 37. I had to fly cross country and the effects of flying on my still unresolved condition were unknown. Flashbacks of the abuse were recurring in my sleep for months. Studies show both trauma and neurocardiogenic syncope have vasovagal nerve responses.
5. At age 49 my world unraveled from the triggers of CSA. I felt re-victimized by others. The effects of these triggers were devastating. It spiraled my life out of control for years. This time I could not push the memories, the emotions or body feelings back into that dark place within me. It took over my life. Why did I let others make me feel re-victimized to trigger the past and to hold me back from healing?

At age 58, I am well into my recovery. Life is good and I am happy.

I look back and say why me--did I wear a large V on my sleeve? It seems life dealt me some blows that impacted me in negative ways. Why was I so vulnerable to being picked on?

Many people go through life without even one of these events, others have more horrific events in their lives. I wonder how and why I was "picked" and more importantly standing today.

Morgan, you may feel as I and others have, but as you heal I believe the positive energy around you deters others to inflict negative events on to you.

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#460948 - 02/17/14 12:52 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3515
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: morgan662
Does this happen to other men and I'm just more sensitive to it because of my abuse?


it hasn't happened to me for years - but used to when i was younger.

but, yes - you and all of "us" are probly more sensitive to it because of our histories. i have heard guys who apparently had no abuse in their pasts talk about getting hit on by other guys. some seem to laugh it off, others get angry and aggressive. but i would brood over it and worry and get depressed by it. weird thing - i'd get freaked out when it happened to me - but if i was able to repulse the hit too easily or if another guy got hit on instead of me - i'd be hurt and feel rejected.

to answer the question of the title of your post - yes, i believe that there is a physical signal and a psychological/emotional vibe that is given off by victims/survivors. i know that as a kid, i would slink around with my shoulders slumped and my head down, hoping no one would notice me. i was a "soft target" - very obviously an underdog and scapegoat - so it was not difficult to single me out in a crowd as one who would not put up a fight.

maybe you are not as easily identified - but predators seem to be able to smell us out. i think we can learn to put off a different vibe - appear more confident and strong and resistant. but it is even better if you can actually get to the place where you really feel that. i'm getting closer.

wishing you well,
lee


Edited by traveler (02/17/14 12:54 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#460955 - 02/17/14 01:49 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
Hey Morgan,

You are not alone. I was the victim of abuse multiple times as a kid and teenager. It seemed I had a sign on my back that said "abuse me". Since then, I've been the object of unwanted advances. I've had men approach me in all sorts of places and make advances. In rest stops, gyms, country clubs, shopping malls, I've had guys come up to me and tell me what they want to do to me. I'm tired of it. It always makes me wonder what's going on. I just have do deal with it. It seems when it happens, it sets back my recovery, and I hate how I feel when it happens. Just to let you know, you're not alone.

Dave

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#460970 - 02/17/14 06:26 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
morgan662 Offline


Registered: 01/13/14
Posts: 13
Loc: New York City
Thanks guys. Honestly, if it was just other men hitting on me, I think I'd be able to laugh it off. Women go through that shit all the time. It's just that so many of the guys seem to go beyond "hitting on" and into a feeling like they think they have a right to do whatever they want with my body, even if it's just a pinch on the butt or something.

Sometimes my female friends tell me what they go through and I feel like I'm just being overly sensitive and these things just happen. But the incident with the old man and a few others are definitely above and beyond.

It makes me extra sad, because I am naturally a friendly person, and I feel like these experiences are making me less open and friendly.


Edited by morgan662 (02/17/14 06:27 PM)
Edit Reason: misspelling
_________________________
“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”
Kurt Vonnegut

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#460971 - 02/17/14 06:27 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
morgan662 Offline


Registered: 01/13/14
Posts: 13
Loc: New York City
This was originally a post editing the last one, before I realized I could actually edit. Now for some reason the system won't let me delete it.


Edited by morgan662 (02/17/14 06:29 PM)
_________________________
“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”
Kurt Vonnegut

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#461028 - 02/18/14 05:45 PM Re: "Victimize Me" Label on Forehead? [Re: morgan662]
timetorecover Offline


Registered: 12/11/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Mi
I remember having that feeling a few times in my life ... If your most recent experience happened to me it would *uck with my head...but I know now that I don't have this big badge on my forehead anymore.

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