I have grown some along the way. It's been exactly 6 months ago I started this.
1. We divorced mid May. I took a mentor's advice and did not fight her. I was in relative peace throughout it, for I was actively letting go, and I knew it best though I would emotionally wander at times.
2. I've been doing the 12 steps. I didn't think I'd really changed much......but last week, while doing our group 9th step (forgiving and making amends) I had to act out how I felt.
I stood up, showing where my feet were today--growing, more confident, and using tools daily to grow (prayer, phone calls, writing, talking to others).
I admitted I'm really tempted (or have been) to turn my head and bring one foot back--symbolizing my old comfortable (though miserable) ways. While doing so, I had a twinge of sadness and misery, knowing I'd tried doing both at the same time (truly), but observant people (me being one) knew. It's embarrassing admitting "I do this". I admitted that, and it lost some of its power while sharing.
Note: Regarding step 9, God's showed me I am the person in need of forgiving. I've had dislike of myself daily, have ignored cues to myself, and He used a person I "hated" to show me---that I was the root. Forgiving myself, really? He said love others as you love yourself....oh yeah. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but writing it here, not hiding myself, is freeing. Love is an action word :-)
3. I'm realizing that misery has been comfy, comfy, comfy for so long. Having people feel sorry for me stroked my ego---ouch. I did/sometimes still do this. The more I admit it, the less I'm preoccupied with it.
4. I felt sorry for myself some tonight, for "knowing" my ex is pulling away didn't help.
Clarification: my wife has ALWAYS been emotionally distant. I'm unhappy since my 9 year old daughter is mimicking Mom, and my daughter shows irritation quickly when I want to spend time with her. My relationship with my daughter is in need of help---no, I'm in need of help. I started writing, but erased. I read above this is more about me.
I'm not used to liking being alone. Duh...I was home alone all day. I preferred a little melancholy mood over being around people......hmmmmm........I'm an introvert though. I often assume I can't associate with myself in front of others.
And that's been my struggle to surrender all day. I realized I would not teach (professionally) again in this same mindset. I've been praying over me all day, seeing I need God's hand. He showed me I lie in front of others. Yes, I do.
THAT is my thing to surrender, for I could be all day in front of adults or kids being me.... but lying takes SOOOOO much work. It's not working good for me.
And finally, I have to teach Step 5 this Tuesday..... I'll keep praying. God has showed up many times today. The day is not over.
Edited by fhorns (08/16/14 11:03 PM)