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#461171 - 02/20/14 11:07 AM Re: Asking imput--how can I grow up? [Re: fhorns]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Originally Posted By: fhorns
WHY is freedom SCARY?


Because freedom is where the chaos and uncertainty reside.
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#461186 - 02/20/14 07:48 PM Re: Asking imput--how can I grow up? [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
True Jim. The answer echoed in my head a while when I read it today, for it's---true.

I listened to Codependent No More a while last night, and I sat there agreeing and finally seeing my actions in my life.

Looking at change seems to always appear harder than actually changing, for I thought of what I heard all day today. I made some small good decisions for myself today due to that :-)

Change is good.

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#469041 - 08/16/14 10:48 PM Re: Asking imput--how can I grow up? [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
I have grown some along the way. It's been exactly 6 months ago I started this.

1. We divorced mid May. I took a mentor's advice and did not fight her. I was in relative peace throughout it, for I was actively letting go, and I knew it best though I would emotionally wander at times.

2. I've been doing the 12 steps. I didn't think I'd really changed much......but last week, while doing our group 9th step (forgiving and making amends) I had to act out how I felt.

I stood up, showing where my feet were today--growing, more confident, and using tools daily to grow (prayer, phone calls, writing, talking to others).

I admitted I'm really tempted (or have been) to turn my head and bring one foot back--symbolizing my old comfortable (though miserable) ways. While doing so, I had a twinge of sadness and misery, knowing I'd tried doing both at the same time (truly), but observant people (me being one) knew. It's embarrassing admitting "I do this". I admitted that, and it lost some of its power while sharing.

Note: Regarding step 9, God's showed me I am the person in need of forgiving. I've had dislike of myself daily, have ignored cues to myself, and He used a person I "hated" to show me---that I was the root. Forgiving myself, really? He said love others as you love yourself....oh yeah. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but writing it here, not hiding myself, is freeing. Love is an action word :-)

3. I'm realizing that misery has been comfy, comfy, comfy for so long. Having people feel sorry for me stroked my ego---ouch. I did/sometimes still do this. The more I admit it, the less I'm preoccupied with it.

4. I felt sorry for myself some tonight, for "knowing" my ex is pulling away didn't help.

Clarification: my wife has ALWAYS been emotionally distant. I'm unhappy since my 9 year old daughter is mimicking Mom, and my daughter shows irritation quickly when I want to spend time with her. My relationship with my daughter is in need of help---no, I'm in need of help. I started writing, but erased. I read above this is more about me.

I'm not used to liking being alone. Duh...I was home alone all day. I preferred a little melancholy mood over being around people......hmmmmm........I'm an introvert though. I often assume I can't associate with myself in front of others.



And that's been my struggle to surrender all day. I realized I would not teach (professionally) again in this same mindset. I've been praying over me all day, seeing I need God's hand. He showed me I lie in front of others. Yes, I do.

THAT is my thing to surrender, for I could be all day in front of adults or kids being me.... but lying takes SOOOOO much work. It's not working good for me.

And finally, I have to teach Step 5 this Tuesday..... I'll keep praying. God has showed up many times today. The day is not over.


Edited by fhorns (08/16/14 11:03 PM)

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#469219 - 08/21/14 01:24 PM Re: Asking imput--how can I grow up? [Re: fhorns]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
fhorns

responses below yours

.

4. I felt sorry for myself some tonight, for "knowing" my wife is pulling away didn't help.

Judith: I am sorry you felt some sadness etc. Remember it is not good for you and your daughter if she refuses to change. I am sorry that she has done this. It hurts me that she is making this choice.

Clarification: my wife has ALWAYS been emotionally distant. I'm unhappy since my 9 year old daughter is mimicking Mom, and my daughter shows irritation quickly when I want to spend time with her. My relationship with my daughter is in need of help---no, I'm in need of help. I started writing, but erased. I read above this is more about me.

Judith: That is becuase she has been emotionally hurt in the past and is afraid to talk to heal as well as get healing. Her insides feel comfortable with her pain because she knows how to handle that. Healing is scary to a woman. Please get your daughter help

I'm not used to liking being alone. Duh...I was home alone all day. I preferred a little melancholy mood over being around people......hmmmmm........I'm an introvert though. I often assume I! can't associate with myself in front of others.

Judith: Use being alone as a self discovery and find out what fhorns likes etc. The key is to be content to be single and you be surprised what a woman will like in that. Just start with two people that are already in your circle of peopel to talk to


And that's been my struggle to surrender all day. I realized I would not teach (professionally) again in this same mindset. I've been praying over me all day, seeing I need God's hand. He showed me I lie in front of others. Yes, I do.

Judith; I am sorry your struggling. Good on praying etc. lying is about self protection really and you need to see what your afraid to see. etc. Good wow. You will find something or help others on here. There is plenty of support groups like this to share your journey

THAT is my thing to surrender, for I could be all day in front of adults or kids being me.... but lying takes SOOOOO much work. It's not working good for me.

Judith: Afraid not. The key is you lied out of self protection because you got hurt in childhood and so that saved you on a number of occassions.

And finally, I have to teach Step 5 this Tuesday..... I'll keep praying. God has showed up many times today. The day is not over.

Judith: Wow. Good. keep doing it. If you ever want to write me dont be afraid to.

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