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#46083 - 02/20/03 11:22 AM new to this site
motherstars Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1
Loc: Connecticut
I am new to this site so bear with me. Tried the site chat rooms, but no one there. Then I composed my story in this site and computer shut down and lost it. Don't think I can go through it again at length so will shorten it.

I am the mother of a son, now 33 years old, who was molested by a live-in sitter when he was 10. I recently found out and am at a loss as to what to do.

_________________________
motherstars

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#46084 - 02/20/03 11:35 AM Re: new to this site
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi: Mike here. How is your son now. Really the only thing you can do is o be really supportive of him. Believe me life has een hell for him. Encourage him to believe that he was not at fault and that you are there for him. Also encourage him to seek help professionally. He might also like to speak here. If he were to read the posts he will find that he is not alone as a survivor or as someone who is struggling to get control of life. Help him to be gentle with himself and that it is ok to cry and rage. They are natural emotions for us. All the best. I am 62 and still am struggling. I did not try to start healing until I was 56.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#46085 - 02/20/03 01:25 PM Re: new to this site
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Motherstars:

Sorry you had so much computer trouble. Glad you persisted & posted here.

I empathize with your son. I was molested by a babysitter in the same apartment building when I was 9 or 10, & by another one earlier, when I was 5 or 6. (Can't tell me mother, she incested me.)

If you can and if he will, encourage your son to a good therapist. If he can find one who works with male or any survivors of sexual abuse, so much the better. I'd also encourage him to find a good support group for sexual abuse survivors, especially one for men if he can find one.

And of course I'd encourage him to come here and share what of his story & feelings he can, when & as he's ready. Just reading the stories of others here will help him. As will reading the many good articles and info we have here to help male survivors.

We also have an excellent bookstore. Good books to start with might be "Abused as Boys" by Mic Hunter or "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. There are also some good books in which survivors share their stories, and some helpful info. I am in the process of re-reading Male Survivors: 12 Step Recovery Program for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Timothy L. Sanders, which is an extremely helpful book.

Most of all I'd like to tell your son that it was not his fault.

Also, in case you're thinking about it, as a mother might be, it was not your fault, either.

So make sure you take care of yourself, and consider that you might need therapy to help you get thru this as well. Also feel free to post here. You might find the Family & Friends forum especially helpful.

Take care. I hope to hear from your son here.

Victor

PS: If he doesn't want to share his story with the whole group here at first, I invite him to private message (PM) me. He can do this by simply clicking on the envelope with two people, up at the top of any message I've written. Or click on my name (Wuamei) in the list of moderators for this forum, on your right as you first come into the public discussion boards. This will bring up my profile and a place that will say send private message. Then he can write whatever he can & needs to write, confidentially. I can listen, try to help, point to other people or resources who can help more.

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46086 - 02/20/03 09:44 PM Re: new to this site
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi motherstarts,

My personal ideas for you:

Tell him you believe him.
Tell him his is precious to you just as he always has been.
Tell him you appreciate him sharing his awful ordeal with you.
Possibly, tell him you are sorry you did not know it or recognise it at the time so that you could have protected him.
Tell him you believe him.
Tell him he is precious to you.
Tell him you want to help in anyway you can--then let him tell you how you can do that.
Tell how you feel that your little boy was harmed.
Tell him that he is a very brave, strong courageous man to have survived such horror and terror.
Tell him how much you admire his courage.
Tell him how happy your are that he is letting you be a part of his being victorious over this crime.
Assure him that there is no way he is at all to blame, no more than any 10 year old boy would be today.
Tell him about MaleSurvivor.org

It looks like the two of you might be talking a lot in the future.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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