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#460272 - 02/07/14 11:45 AM Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse)
ig3 Offline


Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 54
I thought this was worth sharing:

http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2010/winter/10-myths

The first two were related to abuse if I remember correctly.

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#460288 - 02/07/14 07:59 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
I'm so glad the Southern Poverty Law Center does the work they do to debunk the homophobic rhetoric of anti-gay organizations.

I find the first two myths especially hurtful since I was a gay kid *before* I was sexually abused. Proposing that being abused makes you gay is not only a lie, it ends up tainting our sexuality by tying it to the abuse of a perp who was almost always straight.

How messed up is that?

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#460314 - 02/08/14 09:19 AM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey efm!

I realised that too when I was young, that my sexual attractions were always a part of me and I accepted that I was gay before my abuse started. However, I was aware of this myth when I was first coming to terms with my abuse and it made me fearful to open up to sóme people, namely family, and tell them why I had PTSD. I did not want them to think that my sexual orientation which they know about and resent/want to change was a consequence of my abuse. They are two separate things, but uneducated folks like my parents, still make that connection. It hurts real bad and is so insulting, infuriating, and frustrating.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#460342 - 02/08/14 06:38 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
I had the same challenge, JayBro.

I went to come out to my mum and I was very careful to make sure I didn't mention anything about my CSA as I wanted to keep them separate. Best laid plans, however... as soon as I told my mum I was gay, she paused a few moments and asked if when I went on the weekend away with Brother "K" I was sexually abused.

I was gobsmacked but managed to say "why do you ask?" - that's when I found out she had found bloody underwear in my bag when I cam home from that weekend. Clearly she suspected but never asked me, reported it, or did anything to take me out of Brother "K's" custody.

The "Sexual Abuse Vampire" myth had been very powerful, especially in good Catholic families like mine.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#460422 - 02/09/14 08:52 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey efMark!

That's horrible what your mother (didn't) do!!! Mine too said that she suspected that the abuse was happening all along but never reported it, never stopped it, and never apologized for letting it continue. Just reading your post sent a spark of rage in me right now and I am so angry! Angry on your behalf, angry on the behalf of all of us dealing with similar ignorant and careless responses to our abuse (and to our abuse in conjunction with our sexual orientations).

To hell with her!!

Sending you my thoughts and BIG HUGS!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#460636 - 02/13/14 11:50 AM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
JRJohnson Offline


Registered: 02/12/14
Posts: 5
Comments that disparage and slur people based on their sexual orientation and gender identity are against board policies.


Edited by ModTeam (02/13/14 12:09 PM)
Edit Reason: Inappropriate remarks

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#460646 - 02/13/14 03:08 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
JRJohnson Offline


Registered: 02/12/14
Posts: 5
removed comment
Edit Reason: Inappropriate remarks


Edited by ModTeam (02/13/14 03:37 PM)

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#460659 - 02/13/14 07:22 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Glad you posted the link, ig. I'd read it a few days ago and it intrigued me.

I'll echo and expand on JayBro's experience. I knew I was gay and - my "mistake" - I dared stick to my guns in front of an abusive adopted mother and her third husband who variously threatened to have me "put away", among other threats. This was the 70s. Having already been vilified, I sought out help with my high school guidance department.

My guidance counselor didn't have to do much to groom me. I was ready-made for him. Already abused, rejected, vulnerable and gay. In short, to make it crystal clear, he didn't "make" me gay. I was already gay. The bastard took advantage of the shame already heaped on me to engage in a shameful, obscene, unconscionable act. He had the arrogance to repeatedly rape me in the mouth both while in his school office AND the church camp where I worked the following summer, a period of almost a year.

You can therefore understand if I'm particularly angry at groups or individuals who'd shame gay kids back into the closet. I was one of those kids. And it was a powerful, "straight" school administrator who used his "upstanding" position in school and church to murder my soul.

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#460661 - 02/13/14 08:42 PM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: JayBro]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
Thanks JayBro, I appreciate your empathy and the hugs. I've been spending a while being angry at her now which is hard as she has dementia and I can't talk to her about how I feel. Such is life.

I feel like being a little gay boy in an institution made me more vulnerable than I'd have been otherwise. I know my mum feels great guilt about exposing me to the abuse, but it's hard to unwire the homophobia she's know all her life.

Know that being true to yourself is your first best destiny, JayBro.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#460828 - 02/16/14 12:03 AM Re: Debunking gay myths (some are related to abuse) [Re: ig3]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hi Lancer and Mark! Thank you for sharing your stories.

Lancer, I can only imagine how horrible your experience must have been. It is absolutely true that us young pre-/teen gays were easy targets for our abusers. We had a burgeoning sexuality that was stigmatised and kept secret and we were often already subject to physical and emotional abuse and neglect; our yarning for love, acceptance, and sexual exploration was the perfect recipe for vulnerability to abuse. Plus, given the circumstances regarding homophobia, shame, and invisibility, the chances of us telling someone about the abuse were probably very slim. Even more attractive for those who wanted to abuse us.

I must say though, reading your example and those of others really does help in our own recovery and understanding of our trauma. The themes and patterns help give sense to the senseless. That aided me a lot in moving from a state of basic trauma recovery to one of existensial reflection.

Mark, I get what you mean about expressing feelings to your mother now. My mom is changing her temperment and seems to have forgotten her past role with us. I don't have it in me to cut my family out completely from my life, however I do not find any excuse for certain unacceptable behaviours, abuse, or hurtful words. I think you are absolutely right in saying that my main focus should be to myself and my self-determination.

Sending my love and my thoughts to you both.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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