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#460719 - 02/14/14 11:05 AM disclosure to wife
crockybr Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 6
Loc: So Paulo
Hello fellow survivors, please tell me what you think about my story.

Ive been married for 20 years, have a beautiful daughter. Throughout my life I have had SSA. I must say it is a very specific type of SSA: Im attracted to older men. I could never fully understand my feelings, and for a long time I just tried to pretend they were not there.
Some ten years ago my relationship with my wife was at its lowest point. During that time I ended up having sex with 2 older men, at different points.
Very recently I came to understand that much that is going on in my life now has to do with sexual abuse I suffered from age 6 to 9. Initially it was an uncle who masturbated me. Later it was an older man, friend of my father, that did the same to me. So my first sexual experiences and pleasures were with older men.
Through therapy and reading Ive come to understand that my SSA is a compulsion. I am very happy with my wife today, both sexually and emotionally.For the past 3 months Ive been on anti-depression medication, and it seems to have tamed my SSA. I hardly have a fantasy or the desire to see older men porn. Ive been thinking about disclosing the whole story to my wife, but am afraid of her possible reaction. She knows that Ive been sexually abused, but doesnt know any details.
Please let me know if any of you have had a similar experience.
Thank you for your help.

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#460936 - 02/17/14 09:44 AM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: crockybr]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
your story is -in my experience fairly typical -

Are you currently working with a therapist or in any kind of support group?

I find it's best to share my struggles with those who can understand them and are not in a relationship with me. Having these people in my life is about accountability and taking care of myself so I show up in my relationships ,family work, etc. as the best person I can.

Untangling the effects of the abuse on our sexual identity is part of recovery.

Reclaiming an authentic and native sexuality - free from the abuse - is a huge goal. Keep reaching out and sharing here on MS and access as much support and resources as you can.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#460937 - 02/17/14 09:51 AM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: crockybr]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Under no circumstances should you tell your wife that you "acted out" during your marriage. If she doesn't already know? If it's been a secret for 10 years? She won't sudden find out tomorrow. In an effort to soothe some pang of conscience for your own sake, you will hurt her terribly, hurt her ability to trust you, hurt your marriage and daughter.

Tell her about your abuse - tell her all of that. You could even discuss confusion / SSA to test the waters - see if she is understanding or utterly revolted. But as a rule, I firmly believe that if infidelity is finished and successfully buried, you should leave it that way.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#460941 - 02/17/14 10:46 AM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: crockybr]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Dear crockybr:

We share many circumstances, as I'm sure you will find you do with many of us in this site:

CSA at 9 years old, same sex attraction, sexual compulsions, etc. I am also very happy with my wife. We've been married for 34 years.

I have never been unfaithful with her with another person, but I have been unfaithful in compulsively surfing for porn in the net on a daily basis. My wife discovered me doing it, @ 2.5 years ago, and she was very very upset. She thought of leaving me, but eventually, we were able to dialogue, and she agreed that if I got professional help and did my best efforts in following their advice, she would give our marriage a second chance.

What I can tell you from this experience is that my wife is not interested in knowing the details of my unfaithfulness. It's too painful for her. She just wants to know that I am keeping my end of the agreement of seeking professional help (which I am). What a woman needs from us, at all times, is to know that she is loved, that she is special, and that she does not need to worry that we have a second life she does not know anything about. From this I would infer, that if you are not being unfaithful to her, it's best that you don't mention your past infidelities.

I would share the csa with her. I did and my wife was very understanding. The memories of csa surfaced during the process of seeking professional help for my compulsions. It helped explain the origin of my compulsions and ssa (she knew of my ssa from before). She offered very valuable insights which have helped me immensely in my therapy.





_________________________
Jay

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#460946 - 02/17/14 12:11 PM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: crockybr]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
what my wife needed most of all was to know and believe and be reminded that i was not going to leave her, that my acting out was not because of any inadequacy in her or any desire of mine to reject her or make her feel unloved - BUT was all about MY woundedness, my confusion, and MY faults. as crazy as it sounds, i kept secrets from her - not only to protect myself - but also because i did not want to hurt her.

i did tell her about the abuse. NOT any details about my acting out/in - but the reasons why i did it - not in the sense of excuses - but explanations. i started with just the barest outline and summaries - no details. as she adjusted to that knowledge and started to understand it, i was able to disclose more details. eventually, i told her everything - not in minute graphic detail - but more than enough to satisfy her - and to let her know that i trusted her and to make her feel that i was not holding anything back. it was a slow process. i had lots of trust issues and because of my issues, so did she.

now we are doing better than we ever have. for the first time in our marriage, we are experiencing intimacy - not just sexual intercourse. huge difference - emotional connection and a sense of one-ness and fulfillment.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#460958 - 02/17/14 02:35 PM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: traveler]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: traveler
what my wife needed most of all was to know and believe and be reminded that i was not going to leave her, that my acting out was not because of any inadequacy in her or any desire of mine to reject her or make her feel unloved - BUT was all about MY woundedness, my confusion, and MY faults. as crazy as it sounds, i kept secrets from her - not only to protect myself - but also because i did not want to hurt her.lee


Right on! Same here....exactly.
_________________________
Jay

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#460964 - 02/17/14 04:45 PM Re: disclosure to wife [Re: crockybr]
crockybr Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 6
Loc: So Paulo
I want to thank each of you who have given me excellent advice out of your own experience! After 40 long years of silence, finding a place like MS is truly an oasis!
Yes, I am in therapy, but so far have not been able to find a support group where I live.
I have talked to my wife about the abuse, but not in detail. I decided to just ask her if she wanted to know all that had happened in my life. She answered: "I dont need to know". And that is more than I could ask of her. Since I started confronting my abuse I have become a much more loving father and husband. I dont want to do anything to ruin this.
Thank you once again brothers!

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