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#460550 - 02/12/14 10:02 AM Confession--not keeping my word in business
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
Guys, I've been doing something, I've hid from it..........I've done it.

To give a focus, the root lies in a fear of being hurt once again by males in my life.

I've been contacting sellers for a business product I've wanted, and my fear of establishing a relationship with these men has made me promise I'd "buy, buy, buy!"......and not do it.

I realized this last weekend I've contacted men, asked questions, made them believe I'd buy their product (when my motive was to learn it without buying)... Why did I do this?

I find my boss (in real life) makes lots of statements/promises about his intentions, then never delivers. It's "easy" to point fingers. Real easy. I'm guilty now. I've done this.

I'm in a spot where 2 different guys sell the same product, I've said to both I'd buy from them......but the fear of them actually knowing me kept me from going in. And to top it off, I received a very controlled reply from one of these sellers. He respectfully told me I'd not done what I said I'd do, and he chooses not to do business with people who treat him this way. I almost replied immediately to his message, but fears rose. I haven't replied.

Honestly.....I've asked "which guy seems safer to deal with?" That is my absolute base question. Which guy feels safer to be around? To talk with? I've sought something probably very unrealistic from strangers. I can't be the only one, so I'm wondering who else has related to men in like ways. I have.

Is doing the "right" thing, the Golden Rule, the best thing to do? I've imagined just buying from the guy who contacted me (above).....I'm just wanting something good to come back to me. I have no guarantees though. What should I do?????

This is very immature, very self-seeking, so I'm asking for correction, advice, or counsel. My best thinking has gotten me here :-/

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#460551 - 02/12/14 10:21 AM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 87
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
"This is very immature, very self-seeking, so I'm asking for correction, advice, or counsel. My best thinking has gotten me here"

Dear fhorns:

We're human, we're not perfect.!

I'm a businessman, and have learned that in business you build credibility out of doing what you say you will do. That doesn't mean that you are obliged to do things that are not in your best interest. I carefully consider a decision before making it, because, once I agree to it, I'm committed.

The other side of the coin is that I am very careful as to who I do business with and make sure that my counterpart is also a person that will do what he/she commits to.

The fact that I am doing business with a man is irrelevant to me. Even though I suffered CSA, and it's screwed me up in many ways, it has not interfere in my ability to interact objectively with other persons, whether male or female.

_________________________
Jay

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#460557 - 02/12/14 11:03 AM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
Thanks Jay. I'll add something else which ties into this. Seeing and knowing why I do things helps me change.

I believed, as a young boy, if I was completely submissive and compliant to my brother......I'd earn love.

I still have this same thinking now. The exact mentality. I often come close to people in real life, and online.....then RUN.

I had so much hope in my brother--my only "father figure", and I was hurt.

Is there any way past this? Yes. How do you/did you get past this?

Thank you for responding.

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#460561 - 02/12/14 02:16 PM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
I contacted the seller, apologized, and paid for the product.

What was encouraging was he kept his word too. He'd offered me a discount initially, and he honored it.

I feel good about keeping my word

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#460564 - 02/12/14 02:22 PM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 87
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
"I believed, as a young boy, if I was completely submissive and compliant to my brother......I'd earn love."

Dear fhorns:

You've identified the source of your submissiveness, now you have to learn to be assertive.

I can sympathize with you, because I had to learn to be assertive. My father was very domineering in my childhood and I was an obedient child and teen. It took me a while to learn to be assertive, as an adult. Even now, I'm not quick to assert myself...takes a while for me to get moving.

_________________________
Jay

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#460575 - 02/12/14 08:36 PM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
Thank you Jay.

I actually have been pursuing these opportunities to have an out from my own boss. It's sad, as he's as hurt and sick as I've been, but also has control of his company. He controls but does not allow change in, so his business is fading.

I have felt........responsible for his happiness. Crazy? Unfounded? Absolutely.

Thank you for sharing about your experiences Jay. Saying yes to poor decisions keeps me and him stuck. I can mostly, if only, pray for him.

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#460576 - 02/12/14 09:29 PM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
I re-read what I posted, and I wasn't proud. I've done it before. I found something in a manual I purchased lately, and it helped me see my wallowing.


Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself!

“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield
to it, we can never do anything wise in
this world.” - Helen Keller


Very true.

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#460597 - 02/13/14 12:19 AM Re: Confession--not keeping my word in business [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: fhorns

I've been contacting sellers for a business product I've wanted, and my fear of establishing a relationship with these men has made me promise I'd "buy, buy, buy!"......and not do it.
...
I find my boss (in real life) makes lots of statements/promises about his intentions, then never delivers.
...
I'm in a spot where 2 different guys sell the same product, I've said to both I'd buy from them......but the fear of them actually knowing me kept me from going in. And to top it off, I received a very controlled reply from one of these sellers. He respectfully told me I'd not done what I said I'd do, and he chooses not to do business with people who treat him this way. I almost replied immediately to his message, but fears rose. I haven't replied.

Honestly.....I've asked "which guy seems safer to deal with?" That is my absolute base question. Which guy feels safer to be around? To talk with? I've sought something probably very unrealistic from strangers. I can't be the only one, so I'm wondering who else has related to men in like ways. I have.


fhorns

(I started to reply to you earlier but my spell-checker kept changing you to "thorns" so I shut that one down.

It seems in some ways you've already decided. The one who'se not easy to talk with doesn't sound like the way you should go. If you have trouble being up-front with him early on in a potential relationship then it indicates later disaster.

You've already decided which one you have trouble dealing with. That's a warning not to go with that one.

Puffer

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