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#460488 - 02/11/14 01:30 PM Feeling Lost
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
It has been a while since I have been here and I forgot how helpful this site is! My H is a survivor of CSA and it has taken over him and our relationship, This last year has been really rough and now things have hit an all time low. He has quit therapy and refuses to take his meds and seems to be getting worse everyday. I know I have not handled this turn of events well to say the least, but sometimes its so frustrating I don't know what to do. As I wrote earlier, my H has stopped taking his meds which has sprung him into a major depression and now refuses to see his T which he likes and specializes in CSA, I find this so maddening as he is very lucky to have these resources available to him. About 2 years ago he stooped being intimate with me, I fully understood that it was normal for this to happen from time to time so I never pushed the issue as I would never want him to feel anything that would trigger any negative response, last year he stopped holding my hand, kissing me on the check and any type of physical contact...That has been really hard to accept and not take personally but I am trying. It has now come to light that he has been cheating with a women at work for about a month now, he says its not physical and that he doesn't care about her and still loves me. When it first came to light, he promised to cut all communication with her but I have caught him still seeing her, I am so heart broken over this my head is spinning...After all the love and support I have put into him and this relationship, this is what he does? I don't understand! I always tried t look at his distance as his response to the CSA but now it turns out that it wasn't that, it was just me that he wont relate too. I guess I am just venting as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this, any friends or family will not offer any support and just insist that I leave him and never look back. He is a really good person deep down and we use to share a closeness that couples only hope for and I so miss that guy :-(

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#460516 - 02/11/14 08:24 PM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
YYZ - I am so sorry you are going through this all. It is horrible, I know that from personal experience.

You deserve to have your needs met - survivor or no survivor. And he has to be working toward doing that or honestly, there is nothing in this for you. You are a human being and you have needs and they deserve to be met.

So... make a list of your needs, what you want your life to look like. Then do a pulse check - how far from that are you? If him being unfaithful is unacceptable to you, then it needs to be a firm boundary. Unfaithful? Then you are not available. Not working on recovery? Is that okay with you? If not, another boundary.

Please please act for you. In the long run, acting for yourself will be the best thing for you - but also by far the best thing for him. BOUNDARIES are good and healthy and necessary.

Right now, he has none and you have none and that is why his acts keep growing more and more offensive in nature. Put your foot down and demand what you need.

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#460558 - 02/12/14 11:23 AM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Esposa, thank you very much for reply and advice. I know that I need to set boundaries with him and am doing that now. Most of this has taken place once he stopped taking his meds, for some reason he has go it in his head that they are the reason that he feels the way he does and not that it is a normal response to his CSA. He has gone through stopping therapy and before as he says sometimes it just gets to much and he needs a break which I totally understand. He doesn't have any support from his family other than his father who unfortunately is very ill now which only compounds the problem, his family ignores and denies that the CSA every happened which is so maddening to me I just want to shake them..... He has promised to stop seeing this women so I am going to take him at his word and see what happens but I also will not be stupid and ignore what has happened. Hopefully with a little time I will be able to trust him again. Deep down he is the most wonderful man I have ever meet and I love him with all my heart

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#460559 - 02/12/14 12:42 PM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Hello

I was reading your post. I am sorry for you-you are there for him and he has troubling following through on his healing. He needs to take responsibility for his healing. His families denial of the abuse your husband has suffered. I have been there and my family denies the abuse and the effects. But your husband has you who has stood by him--I would have loved to have had someone like you be there and to believe in me. But it was not meant to be. I was fortunate to have found someone who has been there-and boy did it make a different. I also found friends who accepted me for a survivor. Your husband needs to realize you are there and to take responsibility for his healing. I do hope one day he makes the 100% commitment--it is difficult, ups and downs. Be patient, take care of yourself, keep your boundaries. Encourage him to continue with therapy, or find support groups where he can talk to men who have lived what he lived--I have found both to compliment each other and it keeps therapy in perspective.

I wish you well on your journey and I hope your husband realizes he has a gem in you-to be there for him.

Kevin

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#460622 - 02/13/14 07:03 AM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: KMCINVA]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Thank you KMCINVA for your kind words and support, it means a great deal at this very confusing time :-)

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#460643 - 02/13/14 02:06 PM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZGIRL, I would offer simply this.
Express what you need, and ask if he would be willing to ....
The catch is, be very aware of what you need, perhaps even try to guess what he might need. I take this from Non-Violent Communication techniques, and have found this way of communicating quite effective.

We cannot make demands of people in our lives, as this is a threat to their autonomy, and will likely result in arguments.

For example, regarding intimacy, I found myself not at all interested in any sexual contact several months into my own recovery. My wife told me she needed to still feel close to me, and asked if I would be willing to just lay in bed and hold her, or have her hold me.
The way she worded it, disarmed me, it kept me from any indignation or misguided anger.
Simply hugging was difficult, but became easier and without much detail, a sense of normalcy returned to our lives.
I would offer that this approach could work for any need you or he might have.

e.g. I need to know that you're not lying to me, is there a way you can demonstrate to me that the outside relationship is over, and would you be willing to do so.

e.g. I sense you need some time away from therapy, would you be willing to discuss a timetable for getting back to it, I need to feel like you're getting better and breaks like thiscuase me to think in such a way that makes me to worry.

I don't have all the answers, and cannot even assure you that you will have any success with this, but I offer it none the less, and wish you well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#460645 - 02/13/14 02:40 PM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: Adam A Gedman]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Adam A Gedman, Thank you for your suggestions, they sound like very helpful ideas and I will try them with him, they are defiantly a better way of handling the situation then I have been, I have been letting my anger and hurt get the best of me. Last night my H stated that he was thinking of going back to see his T which is great and I am very proud of him for taking this step but now there is a dark cloud over this...you see he used going to see his T as an excuse to get out of the house and see this women as he knew I would never question it and he could stay out as long as he wanted. I hate that he has brought this affair into this situation and am so mad at him for that, it was bad enough that he did what he did but to use therapy as an excuse just seems so unbelievable to me...Not sure how to handle it?

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#460708 - 02/14/14 08:18 AM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZ you have the right feel hurt. Those feelings are totally valid.
Our minds are not our ally, in situations that challenge us.
It will draw on the past to project a future, and one we normally see as either better than, or worse than the present moment. And it distracts our attention from the present moment.
Your anger is not wrong, it just is, you can acept that be so, as well.
I offer you some of my own exercises learned this past year.
When your angry, stop, take three deep breaths into your belly and become aware of how your body feels.
Is your heart racing, you may be breathing more shallow and quicker, perhaps your body is tense, or fists are clenched. Make a mental list of these physical feelings. I find that even that dissipates my anger. Then ask yourself, is this feeling desirable? Don't answer with your mind, see if you can feel a reaction in your body.
I know it sounds new agey, but I have found it to be a great tool for bringing me back to myself, when anger, frustration etc take over.

I hope you can find some peace.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#460934 - 02/17/14 09:32 AM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: Adam A Gedman]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Thank you for your advise, I have tried a few if your suggestions this weekend and they worked !! Still feel overwhelming hurt and anger but trying to stay positive !!

Thank you again for your advice and support :-)

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#460949 - 02/17/14 12:52 PM Re: Feeling Lost [Re: YYZGIRL]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
YYZgirl,

I am glad you have had some success with my suggestions.
It's funny how simply changing the language we use, can yield entirely different results.

Positive and negative emotions have been described as fields of energy with different frequencies. Each frequency wants to draw in more of the same energy to feed itself.
I think we can see the results of this everywhere we look, arguing begats more arguing, fighting creates more fighting. Where as empathy and compassion can diffuse the negative and change the channel so to speak.

Keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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