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#460387 - 02/09/14 01:25 PM lost (trigger warning)
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
hey guys
so T and I have been working on self-care a lot and I have conceded to the logic that when you put off things you need to do it often gets worse. problem is anything medical triggers me to death but I made a promise to tell my doc about the intense pain in my belly that has been there a LONG time. and since I have to do a colonoscopy, he suggested that we have them do a scope in the belly as well. the appointment came through ...for TUESDAY!!!
I totally freaked out and cancelled it and my head was gone the thought of that scope thing going in my mouth and down my throat became a body memory and I couldn't shake the sensation of "his" penis in my mouth gagging me.it has also had me in that hospital being raped as a little boy. the pain feeling even was back when T and I were working on this.
I know I need to do this my belly kills but I also don't know that I can do it and I have to cancel tomorrow or it will cost me cash on top of it all. any advice out there ?
I really am lost
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#460388 - 02/09/14 01:44 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jeff,
hang on man, I know that is very difficult. Maybe you should talk with doc who should to that do upper endoscopy. I mean body memories if are present it wont go away as I know no matter on our good will. Such scope could be very triggering and there is nothing wrong if you are scared and thinking to cancel it.
I'm sure you are able to go trough such procedure, maybe you need some more time and talk with your T.
Don't know what to say. You need to find something positive, affirmative and that can give you feeling of comfort and not to bring some terrible memories.
You are safe now, you can take care for little Jeff that has been so much hurt back than. You can protect and secure him, there is no reason for any fear that some abuse could happen again.
And I'm sure he would be very proud seeing grown Jeff today and what a strong man he became!

(((Jeff)))
_________________________
My story

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#460396 - 02/09/14 03:43 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 245
i went thru the exact same thing. i told the doctor and he was grateful i told him becuase he was familar with this problem. yes it was uncomfortable but he gave me a seditive prior to the examination. I got thru it and was grateful and it was a mild stone for me. yes self care is very important to get a handle on and I hope it all works out for you.

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#460399 - 02/09/14 03:49 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
I am really wrestling with the idea of telling him. I don't know why exactly. but it feels like if I tell then its like pointing to that bulls eye on my back. It feels like defeat to me somehow and worse. almost an invitation for it to happen again. arrrrrgggggg!!
you know it might would be easier if I even got to talk to the DR before all this happens. maybe I could begin to at least know if I could think of trying to build some trust. I really have no sense of safety. they tell me on the phone I will be safe in good hands but I just cant bring myself to believe that. frown



Edited by newground (02/09/14 03:58 PM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#460409 - 02/09/14 06:02 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 81
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I'm struggling with similar issues right now and it's got me majorly stressed out to the point of feeling sick in my stomach and sleeping badly over some surgery tomorrow morning (it should be pretty minor day surgery). Needless to say, I don't handle the idea of giving up control and allowing someone to have their way with my body well. I don't know what to do either. I'm going to grit my teeth and bear it as best I can to get through it so I can concentrate on recovering after, but other than focusing on the "after" part when it's done and over with, I can't think of any advice. I wish I had some. I need some too.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#460412 - 02/09/14 06:24 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
for sure that is a big part SD the idea of giving up control like "sure just do whatever" for sure it brings me back to that attack where again I had no choice. it made it worse to discover that though DR and I talked about doing a scope, just an examination. but the paperwork from the gastro talks about doing LOTS more like I have no choice AGAIN. I assume it is so he doesn't have to do this more than once but the idea of him making the decisions of what to do with my body triggers the devil out of me.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#460414 - 02/09/14 06:53 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3198
Loc: back in the USA
yes, Jeff and SD, i get it.

i had two colonoscopies - several years apart - and asked to be put out both times. it was not easy - but better than being aware of what was happening. i did not explain anything. but i was prepared to say that i had some anxiety issues based on past events. that should be enough. if you can do at least that much, you may be able to feel like you are re-claiming some control.

it ended up not being as bad as i had anticipated. actually the dread leading up to the procedures was lots worse than what i actually experienced at the hospital. i will not be nearly as stressed next time - if there is one.

i wish you both all the best.
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#460489 - 02/11/14 02:17 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 81
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
Newground,

I hope everything goes ok for you today. Hang in there - it'll be over soon.
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#460511 - 02/11/14 06:40 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
I hope you made it to the Dr, today.

While very challenging, your gut issues are not gonna resolve themselves. I'd prefer to have you stick around the planet for a while.

Honor yourself by showing self care.

Sending good thoughts and vibes your way.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#460526 - 02/11/14 09:08 PM Re: lost (trigger warning) [Re: newground]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 135
Loc: Virginia
I know I'm late in responding here, but my own experience is that if you can focus on how good you'll feel afterwards, that can take a lot of the fear away.

Put together a mental picture of yourself relaxing after the procedure, proud of yourself for having had the guts (no pun intended!) to go through with it. Close your eyes and physically try to feel the pride in your accomplishment. If it helps, think about other difficult things you've gotten through where you felt great afterwards for having stuck with it.

I learned this trick in a little paperback book about panic and anxiety disorders, and it really changed my life. It works. Whenever anything scary relative to the procedure rears its head, take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and focus on how good you're going to feel about yourself when it's over. Nothing else.

Then, when you do get through it, give yourself a major pat on the back for having done so! You're not only going to be proud of yourself for your bravery (and rightly so,) you'll gain a little tiny bit of trust towards strangers (your doctors) who didn't hurt you and acted solely with your best interests in mind. Hence, you'll feel good about yourself and you'll learn that some strangers can indeed be trusted. I think both of these are major breakthroughs for most survivors.

Finally, remember the sense of accomplishment and pride, both for your own sake right then, but so you can draw on it in the future when other difficult situations arise. I hope this helps you as much as it's helped me. Hang in there!

Bob

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