Newest Members
0128, jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady
12502 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
asdude1981 (33), Avery46 (51), hans32 (46), jean-noel (49), Kirk (59), Kirk Wayne (59), Mechanical (21), OldTrafford (50)
Who's Online
3 registered (don64, tbkkfile, 1 invisible), 11 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12502 Members
74 Forums
64192 Topics
447956 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#459841 - 01/31/14 01:10 PM Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I am truly recovering. However, I am currently in a state of rage realizing for how long I've lived in fear and for how long I've lived a live of misdirected energies.

I had a shame inducing mother around sex, a woman who hated me being a man and let me know it, a father who disliked me and a brother who nonstop sought ways to abuse me. I had a horrible empty home life and in seeking escape, I was abused by men. I was mistaken that my abuse was something else because it felt good. I thought I must be gay even though as soon as the sex act was over, I just wanted to get away from the person. It was NEVER about love or relationship. It was always a mistake of false intimacy that I needed to believe.

My rage is at the adults in my life. My rage is at therapists, 2 of them gay and both who told me that I was gay. My rage is at gay men who tell me that I must be gay. I had a friend in an abuse group who told me that I was gay. They were wrong and dangerous people. Being gay was not accurate for me.

It didn't require Christianity or any doctrine for me to recover from it. It has required self-confidence that I could follow my inner voice to the truth and it has required reading, therapy, taking chances, telling others, support, etc. It has required disregarding the media messages and the messages from people who are very threatened by this type of recovery.

Maybe I'm raging at the wrong people or this is simply a beginning. Maybe my rage is actually covering up fear of women and a world I avoided through my sexual acting out. Maybe my rage is at me. Maybe my rage is a thin cover for my grief over a confused, lonely life that I lived and maybe the rage is that I've finally gotten to where I am and I am 48 years old. Maybe there is more rage than I can write. Maybe it is rage at God. But it is rage and who do I tell? What do I do with it? Where do I go with it? In a way, I love it and value it because I can finally feel it and I've been wondering for all these years "Where is it?" I could see that I should be rageful based on what happened but now I can feel it. So I know it has value.

This is not even to begin on the topic of rage toward my mother, father and brother. It feels off the scale. I didn't that rage was building in me as a kid who shut down and stopped living in order to avoid abuse, humiliation and rejection. I didn't feel the rage then because it made me feel my impotence, my lack of power. My only power was to avoid, try to please, and try to escape.

My coping mechanisms no longer have value for me and I am working on my real power. I want to be powerful. Plain and simple. And I want to put the shame and hate on the people who deserve it even if they don't want it. It's their crap and I am sick of carrying it for them.

Being able to speak the truth openly feels like the real power I am seeking. Not just on these boards, but as part of my life, not my entire life.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#459842 - 01/31/14 01:17 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3598
Loc: O Kanada
"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Dylan Thomas.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#459870 - 01/31/14 11:00 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
Maybe my rage is a thin cover for my grief over a confused, lonely life that I lived and maybe the rage is that I've finally gotten to where I am and I am 48 years old.
Hey Ed,

I can really relate to your feelings of rage here. I have had to let it all out, and then let it go. All that is left is sadness (or grief as you put it) over all the lost years. All the ways that I hurt myself and others. I turned 57 last week and as I move from "middle age" closer to "old age", I am more keenly aware that I am running out of time. Running out of time to make amends to all those I've harmed. Running out of time to build a meaningful, honorable life. At best I may have 25 to 30 years to pull that off. Doesn't seem like enough. I worry my tombstone will look something like this.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

Top
#459878 - 02/01/14 02:08 AM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Ed,

I'm so sorry so many in your life have made an effort to interpret your life experience for you. I'm gay, and it would never occur to me to tell someone else how to interpret their life. It occurs to me that a side effect of all this may be that you are having to develop a stronger sense of interpreting your own experience for yourself earlier than many do. I'm 64 and am only recently beginning to gain some strength in coming to my own conclusions without outside validation.

I have found doing rage work to be very important for me. I have learned to kick and punch pillows while holding the appropriate image in my mind. This works great for me. When I first began I was scared shitless and my kicks were a little on the puny side. I rage when necessary now, and have been for several years, and it really works for me. I feel it is really important to vent and rage all you need. Congratulations on getting it all out here. It's a safe and understanding place to do it.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#460134 - 02/04/14 11:24 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
Ed this story is about a play called "the truth"

Gay conversion therapy sounds a bit like going to theatre school.

“There’s a lot of rolling around on the floor together and touching each other’s bodies,” says Anthony Johnston. “You’re supposed to work on finding safe, non-sexual ways to hold each other.”

“If you get a boner, you’re supposed to admit it,” says Nathan Schwartz, laughing. “I guess that part is different.”

The Brooklyn-based theatre duo did some serious research on the controversial practice for their upcoming show A Quiet Sip of Coffee. In 2004, they sent a prank letter to Hope Springs (a “reparative therapy” organization) proposing it give them funds to workshop their non-existent play Never Cry Wolfman. Not expecting a response, they were shocked to get a note a few weeks later inviting them to develop their script on the condition they also spend two weeks working in the group’s rural British Columbia conversion camp. To make matters slightly more complex, Johnston is gay, while Schwartz identifies as straight.

“When you start looking into this stuff, one of the first things you realize is how seductive these groups are with their messaging,” Johnston says. “As we started getting deeper into the material, it began to affect me in a way I didn’t think was possible. I found myself starting to ask if certain things from my childhood had led me to being gay and whether being depressed sometimes was actually because I’m gay.”

The easy route would have been to make a show that smacks down the increasingly discredited therapy and its proponents. But as the pair got further into their research, they were surprised by how it affected their positions.

“You can easily look at someone administering this therapy and say they’re doing it because they’re a complete bigot with their own internalized homophobia,” Schwartz says. “But that’s not necessarily the case. You have people who are trained therapists working with people who have feelings they can’t explain or don’t want to have, and that’s not necessarily coming from a place of hate. Sexuality is pretty elastic, and some people go through different phases in their life. If I go through a gay phase in high school and grow up to marry a woman, doesn’t that automatically mean I’m denying something in myself? From that perspective, we need to be open to the idea that sexuality actually does change for some people.”

“As you look into it more, things start to get very grey,” Johnston adds. “Why should helping someone become something they believe they should be inherently wrong? If someone believes they were born in the wrong-gendered body, it’s perfectly acceptable to have them go through the kinds of therapy they need to help them become the person they see themselves as being. So if someone naturally has a same-sex attraction, to put it in the terms of this therapy, but deep down believes they are straight, is it inherently wrong to help them?”

The play also takes aim at the genre of documentary theatre, an increasingly popular style over the last decade, with shows like The Laramie Project and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs that uses verbatim sources as its material.

“It’s a show about questioning the importance of truth,” Johnston says. “The trend towards documentary theatre recently suggests a real celebration of truth in art. But it’s such a subjective word when you’re dealing with art anyway.”

“If something didn’t happen for real, is it less interesting onstage?” Schwartz asks. “I don’t think we believe that, but clearly there’s a trend that’s moving in that direction.”

A Quiet Sip of Coffee
Tues, Feb 11–Sun, Feb 23
Great Canadian
Theatre Company
1233 Wellington St W
gctc.ca

Ed , Sounds like you are on the right tract. Whatever your truth is, it's where you are and if it feels authentic then ultimately what others or even you used to perceive as true is ultimately irrelevant.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#460324 - 02/08/14 12:35 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:03 PM)

Top
#460337 - 02/08/14 04:15 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
So much affirmation here and boy did I need that. I post on here sometimes and hit "submit" and get it out into the group and dread returning later to see if there are any replies and if there are any, what they might say. I put stuff out there sometimes and it may not seem daring or risky to others but it can feel like a risk to me.

I am doing a lot of recovery work around my sexuality. I guess there are stages to this. Rage is part of it. At least my rage isn't being sublimated into acting out - it is finding focus on the people who deserve it. But I could only be getting to this point by not acting out with porn anymore.

Thanks for the support. It really means a lot to me.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#461100 - 02/19/14 04:02 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 05:17 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

Top
#461107 - 02/19/14 04:57 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
Landscape Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 40
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
I post on here sometimes and hit "submit" and get it out into the group and dread returning later to see if there are any replies and if there are any, what they might say. I put stuff out there sometimes and it may not seem daring or risky to others but it can feel like a risk to me.


I'm right there with you. I must read and re-read everything 5 times before I click "submit." It always feels like I'm making such a huge leap and taking such a huge risk. And, you know what? I've never experienced anything other than complete support from the people here. I haven't ever regretted posting anything, so I force myself to keep going.

Stay well.
_________________________
--
"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out"

Top
#461112 - 02/19/14 05:57 PM Re: Rage and recovery from abuse and SSA [Re: EdfromNYC]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Ed,

I think think it's brave and insightful of you to be asking the questions you are, and to be working so hard to find and live *your* authentic truth.

Other's can't tell us who we are, or where we are going. Only we can.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.