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#459650 - 01/29/14 01:17 AM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
As you can understand by now, we all come from different backgrounds and families, we all have particular setbacks in our recovery from the effects of it, but you will find a lot of personal knowledge from all of the men here.
Shame and silence work so much in favor of the abuser that we start to believe certain things as stone truths, yet life is a kaleidoscope of experiences.,Good and bad. What really count's is our attitude towards them.
Stay healthy my friend.


Edited by justplainme (01/29/14 01:21 AM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459656 - 01/29/14 04:39 AM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3615
Loc: O Kanada
some thoughts about secrecy and disclosure here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=459655#Post459655

pm me if you want the links for further study.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459695 - 01/29/14 12:34 PM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I would be very cautious with this disclosure, I know men who have had both good and bad experiences.

My advise would be to work with a therapist and figure some stuff out and plan the disclosure with thier council. You should have a plan and always want a positive experience with any disclosure.

Give yourself some time to work through the abuse...incest and holding the family secret can really warp things....most important breathe and go gentle on yourself.

Good luck
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#459705 - 01/29/14 03:04 PM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3615
Loc: O Kanada
i agree with Castle,
slow and steady,
with lots of preparation and professional advice.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459743 - 01/30/14 12:35 AM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey 5thmonster,

Welcome. You ask some very good questions, and have gotten some good answers. I can only add that all you've described, the confusuion about sexuality, the acting out, the secret keeping, are all common stories among the men on the site. I used to think I was the lone freak in the universe, until I learned that others have had similar experiences.

My "telling the wife about the abuse" experience did not go too well. Others have found their wives very understanding and supportive. You are probably the best judge of how to procede with your mate. I do not reccomend telling wives about sexual acting out, outside your marraige. Confessing your betrayal does not usually help the process of working through it all.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#459854 - 01/31/14 05:20 PM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
5thmonster Offline


Registered: 01/24/14
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your comments. I do have a few more bones to dig up, so this might not be a good time for me to disclose everything, But I do believe I should give her a clue as to what is going on, and then work on it from there. My therapist did recommend not disclosing anything to my wife... Im not sure why. Since then, I have stopped seeing her. I learned a lot from her but I need to find someone else to help me.

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#459873 - 01/31/14 11:42 PM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
Hartdaddy Offline


Registered: 10/18/13
Posts: 13
Hi 5thmonster,

A lot of good advise, I do not know what more could or should be said. Let me share a bit of my past, My wife and I had been married for about 15 years when I disclosed to her that I was living a secret life. I was about 35 years old and falling apart, I had developed a sexual addiction that I could no longer control or hide. Not only was I playing with fire and risking my life I was putting my wife's health in danger as well.

Before I told her I had made plans as to where I was going to be living in the future. I truly did not think our marriage could have survived such a betrayal. It has taken years to regain her trust, we have been married now for 34 years and there are times when I am running late getting home after work or the store, I can tell from the look on her face it is still in the back of her mind.

My wife will admit that working through this has made our marriage stronger and brought us closer. Sharing with her that I was sexually abused as a child forced her to deal with her own sexual abuse issues, we were there for each other in a way that someone who had not experience the same abuse could not relate.

Several have already said this but it is worth repeating, take it ssssslow, once that genie is out of the bottle there is no turning back.

You are in my prayers
Dave

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#460069 - 02/03/14 04:38 PM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
5thmonster Offline


Registered: 01/24/14
Posts: 6
Thank you all. I want to ease her in on my child abuse but I cant get the conversation going. Its hard to just throw it out there.
Im not slipping out, my acting out is with myself in my head. I am too afraid of people and disease to act out with real people. I fear the opportunity will knock someday. I am hoping that by telling her about my child-abuse that it will help our sexual relationship. I have had issues in bed for a long time but it seems like it is getting worse and the only time that it seems to be good is whenever I have total control.
I know what you mean about considering my poor behavior as 'my monster' but I am really afraid of it and I don't want to give into it. So by not giving in to 'it', 'it' controls me just as much as if I did give in.

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#460153 - 02/05/14 04:33 AM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Helo 5thmonster, you started nice topic, there are many good advices.
I'll share one PM that I recently wrote about one therapy group were T has been discussing relationships between males and females, maybe it could be helpful.
So I've recently started group therapy, it is small group and and issues like love, relationships and marriage were on agenda.
So during discussion T has made interesting point and I'll try to recall it here.
She said that relationships between females are much different compared to male-female relationship (we were talking about friendships but also about love kind relationships or marriages). Friendship between females is based mainly on conversation and many times females are doing "mistake" when trying to set up the same dynamic with males and when it doesn't work. So basically my T (she is female too) said: marriage should be more like sort of "small company" with set of tasks to achieve trough time rather than to be some "team" with discussion open about current issues all time long. The base should always be on some action/tasks and not on talks/discussion.
She said relationship between partners is "object related" meaning that trough talk (and especially trough some arguing or talks about issues that could be difficult to handle) it is very easy to make other partner angry, furious or similar. And because it is relationship it is easy for both sides involved to get hurt once if things went into wrong direction.
This object related means that all our scars and vulnerabilities from our growing up could be pulled out very easily to surface by our partners and vice versa and that is the main reason why such relationship shouldn't be based mainly on conversation and why we could be very vulnerable with our partners if something very personal is on talk agenda.
Some girls were quite surprised by this explanation as they were not satisfied with amount and quality of dialogues in their relationships and wanted to talk in group how to improve it, lol. At the end therapist said that they need to work hardly to stop "talking" and demanding needless dialogue and explanations from their partners and to move focus on themselves or something different.
It was strange and interesting to listen all that, off course that all pairs can't jump in same shoes and that there are different stories.

Anyway if you feel good and confident you should talk with your wife, I'm sure she would like to help you and give you support. However problems with intimacy and if they are related to child abuse could need something even more to be done and I'm sure expert's support would be very helpful to both of you.

Keep sharing with us!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#460271 - 02/07/14 10:39 AM Re: Full Disclosure with spouse [Re: 5thmonster]
5thmonster Offline


Registered: 01/24/14
Posts: 6
My wife is good about the amount of conversations she needs. She does know that I had a bad childhood but I never told her how bad it was. I initially started seeing a therapist because of stress issues that I was having. When the stress issues started being resolved she told me that I should speak with the therapist about my childhood. After working with the therapist for several months about my childhood my wife started asking to talk about it with her. I have always told her the reason that I do not talk to her about my childhood is because I don't want her to change her opinion of me, Then whenever I told her that the therapist recommend I don't tell her about my childhood she has not asked again... The problem is now that I want to speak with her about it, even if it does change her opinion of me. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

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