Newest Members
kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS, PaulnMA
12256 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 51 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12256 Members
73 Forums
63119 Topics
441402 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#459980 - 02/02/14 12:49 AM Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 286
Loc: Ohio
I have quite a bit of time healing from CSA and enough time in 12-step recovery, so I would think I'd remember this, but I have a quick forgetter.

Part of my pattern that isn't that healthy is I'll only share about a problem I'm having with others after it has already been solved. And while I do believe there is something to offer others when sharing about successful recovery, I only tend to be brought forward in my process by others that are going through the same issues when they share their struggles. So, I'd potentially be more helpful if I shared things as I was struggling with them rather than waiting until after I'm through the process. I'm grateful for this reminder that I gradually shy away from and lose track of before being reminded of again.

One of the things I'm struggling with currently again is feeling too different to the point where I keep arm's length from others. I have a short list of labels that when put together I feel offset me from most others. It's a trap I fall into because while some classifications may be factually different, it keeps me from focusing on the commonalities of experiences and feelings. Gets me back to the being lonely in a crowded room conundrum. Grappling with this and I've worked through it before, but it is a struggle.

An example of my short list is vegan, gay, polytheist, recovering alcoholic, CSA survivor, author and any number of variables I can attach to myself that can separate my experience from others I'm around at a given time. But, the reality is anyone can do that and when I'm in a 12-step AA meeting, for example, it is the common experience that connects me to others and the differences should just keep things interesting, not hold me back from connecting. The same is true for any other group I'm in, but I lose sight of that time and again.

So, just reaffirming my need to identify in and belong among other male survivors of sexual abuse and not get so caught up in the perceived differences I feel that don't matter to the essence of what this forum is about. Now, if I can just apply that to some other areas of my life again.

Top
#459984 - 02/02/14 02:00 AM Re: Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 560
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I'm not vegan nor an author. I am only learning at 64 to release the need to have outside validation for my reality. It has been the central feature of my life, and is only being dismantled after beginning to remember maternal sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture last spring. But, I gotta' tell ya' it feels great to FEEL the difference of coming to my own conclusions, of not needing anyone else to stamp my reality. It's an early process for me, and will get tested as I move out in the world again. It is also a profoundly hopeful change that has required decades of acquiring tools to accomplish.

I suspect you hold all the keys to your issue, and imagine you are ready to take a closer look now that you are talking about it.

Best of luck,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#460001 - 02/02/14 02:37 PM Re: Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles [Re: don64]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 588
Loc: VA
@Don64:

I'm only 61, so I have yet to outgrow the need for outside validation. All I have is a "story." I find that infuriating.

How do you outgrow this need? Knowing that validation is effectively impossible isn't good enough.

John

Top
#460010 - 02/02/14 05:03 PM Re: Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles [Re: kcinohio]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 257
“What comes from the heart goes to the heart”

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge


Edited by justplainme (02/02/14 05:04 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#460022 - 02/02/14 10:24 PM Re: Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 286
Loc: Ohio
Hi don64, Yes, releasing that need can be helpful. Still, I find it a helpful reality check when id'ing with others so I can learn from their experiences rather than have to make all the mistakes myself (find I make enough on my own anyway).

But, I definitely can let the ways I set myself apart at times get in my own way. And I agree it is a process to acquire the tools to make the necessary change in perspective. Thanks.

Top
#460026 - 02/03/14 12:01 AM Re: Id'ing with others & impact from sharing struggles [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 560
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi kcinohio,

I keep myself apart most of the time and have been a hermit for around eight years. I am learning to really like myself in these years as a hermit, and am clear that I don't let others in. It is my choice at this time, and as I heal I feel I will begin to feel safe enough at some point to participate with others. I'm not there yet, but I do feel progress. While I am very much an eccentric to most people, it's my sense that I am the limiting factor when it comes to having others in my life. I sustained a lot of damage from early abuse, and at this point intend to be as honest with myself as I am able in terms of my abilities.

There is nothing about your descriptions of yourself that seem different to me. I call it unique and feel we are all unique. Whenever I do go out into the world again, I intend to keep my space open only for people who see me and value me as I am. I feel your profile is lovable just the way it is.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.