theDean - just a quick reply! Your mentioning how powerful, strong - overwhelming,intimidating (?) - he was, When I was in 8th grade, I was intimidated by my Social Studies teacher. She yelled, bullied and terrified me to no end. I had the opportunity to visit my Jr. High and tried to avoid her. However, she exited her classroom right into me. FEAR!!!! Wait!! She was shorter than I remembered her (because I had grown bigger than she). She was old lady with a very ancient hairdo! Where had the bully gone? As I had grown, she could not intimidate or scare me again. Could you picture yourself today and him trying to do what he did? Does this make sense for you??

ScottyTodd:
Your de>

KSinger
Would it be possible to get a coopy of your speech after you give it. If I may I would like to forward it on the governments hee in the Frozen North

Ksinger,

I hope you have sucess with your speach.

While I was not sexually abused by my mother I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. Another survivor suggested I read the Book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

I can't find the exact quote, but what she says is that while each story of abuse is differnt you will find a little part of Your abuser in each of the abusers in the book.

I was sexually abused by the little girls accros the alley when I was 4 or 5. (I have never placed much emphais on that) I can remember the emotional and the Physical abuse happening long before that, I can't remember anything about my life before I was three years old. is this "normal? I keep wondering if there is something significant that happened when I was 3. Perhaps It was when I was three that the S A with the little girls occured.

Today, I feel that I do need to place some emphasis on the little girls across the alley. What they did was to start a cycle that continued into my adult life. I on many occasions I have asked my T's " Do I have a big red sign on my forehead that says Rape me?, abuse me, take advantage of me.

Two weeks ago I met with both my EMDR T and my regular T. I asked the question again. My EMDR T replied ..."I have found that working with victims of trauma that it is in there eyes." They have what I call inflicted, sad, fearful eyes. Perpitrators see these eyes.

LIke I said, if you would be interested in talking to me about the effect my abuse has had on my life I would be happy to share some of my experiences.

I can recall two incidents that I have posted about that come to mind how the S A has affected my life.

• I used to have a dream (nightmare) that Santa Clause was chasing me. When he would catch me he would tell me how bad I was and that I wouldn't be getting any presents. Sometimes he would beat me because I had been so bad. Santa Clause was my mother.
  
  In my adult life, I was fired from a job as being a Santa Clause in the mall because I was told by the manager .... one of the customers had told her "That Santa has the saddest eyes I have ever seen. Santa is supposed to be Jolly."
• The second is the story of what I will call the significant S. A's of my life. I now feel that both of these perps saw the " sad fearful eyes' and used these eyes to thier advantage.

If you want to contact me. Private me and I will be happy to send you contact info.

Thanks,

John

scottytodd, I appreciate your visualization. No, I would not be afraid in that context. I need to talk with my therapist about this. Thanks a mi9llion for your insight.

Good luck Ken. I so admire you for all you do. You write really well and with lots of heart as well as mind.

Peace brothers.

Bob