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#46004 - 02/21/03 04:03 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Thanks to everyone that has responded to this post and thanks to everyone that will. I find that while each story is different ..... each story has reasons that are similar to the others.

Take care everyone.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#46005 - 02/21/03 11:49 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
The real kicker? When I was 48 yrs old my mom shared (only once) that she was sexually molested from 8 through 13 yrs. by my uncle and his friends. Yeap, the father of my perps (cousins). When she told her parents they blamed her and held her responsible. She never told another soul until she was past 60.

I really feel upset as I recount the destruction of lives in my family. No one speaks to each other today. My dad, as far as I know, never knew of my mom's secret. I still don't fully understand why - all of a sudden - she told only me!
Scotty, perhaps your mother was trying to gain your sympathy or understanding. Maybe she was trying to show her empathy with you.

Do you remember how you reacted when she told you?
How do you feel about it now? Is your mother still alive?

Scotty, I'm not suggesting you do anything. Like you, my family, which is very small, is also very scattered and we pretty much have nothing to do with one another.

Of course, my mother was my main perp, tho my father was also for the short time we were with him. There were many others--multiple perps, like you. But at the center of it all (of course) was my narcisstic mother.

She will deny about anything I ask her, but I am quite sure she was sexually abused as a child; I know she was verbally & emotionally abused. As you know, that does not excuse her or any perp.

She is the only perp that I know is even alive much less their whereabouts. We've never communicated much, and I've broken all contact since the abuse memories returned about 18 months ago. Just sent her a very short & blunt note not to contact me or my family anymore.

Take care fellow survivor

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46006 - 02/21/03 10:12 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Wuamei - Thanks for responding! I know for you to write that letter took courage and probably was very empowering. Congratulations! I appreciated your response because I felt affirmation for me, my feelings, my experiences and my belonging to the fellowship of survivors. Another testament to not being alone in this.

How I reacted to my mom's disclosure? At first with surprise, empathy and support for her pain THEN a little later - Ah Ha!! - the missing link in the generational legacy! Then - just anger and dispair that all my cousins, my mom, most of my aunts/uncles were abused in one form or another! It was great to have the piece of the puzzle - but - the clarified picture was now clear! The horror in our family!

How I feel now? It explains so much about my mother - how she was with us kids; how distant she was emotionally; how she was unable to protect me; (because I look like my uncle) why she took physical abuse and other abuses out on me; etc. I have worked through forgiving her. No- she died about 3 years ago from complications from Alzheimers from which she suffered 7 years before dying.

By the way, my earliest full memory was of the abuse. Some fleeting thoughts, bits and pieces of very early memories make me wonder if there were earlier abuses?

Thanks again for your response, Waumei, it's been a while since I was able to share this area of my past. Thanks again!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#46007 - 02/21/03 11:44 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Scotty, reading your posts also is helping me to feel affirmed & not so alone, so thank you too.

It's good the picture is clearing up for you, horrible tho it is. This clearer vision serves us well in recovery. Also I'm glad you were able to work thru forgiving your mother before she died. That takes a lot of courage, but I think you are stronger for it.

My first clear abuse memory was of the last time I was abused, and it wasn't even by my mother, yet I was really mad at her about it, why she didn't protect me from this gay couple that raped me. Imagine my anguished anger when I finally put together all the little pieces that kept coming back, and I realized she was the one who sold me to them!

Forgiving my mother for that, for the incest, for all the other abuse, I'm still working on. I had a major breakthrough with this in therapy several months ago, but it's a process.

I think sending her that note will help. It at least affords me some sense of power & control where she is concerned for a change. It may even provide more closure. One way or another...

It's damn hard when you see more & more of the horrible picture of your abused childhood and your dysfunctional family. It hurts. That's why I suppressed & dissociated & numbed it out for so many years.

But, at least for me at this point, it's a lot better than having all these problems and having no clue as to why or what to do about it!

Well, thanks Scotty! There is real power in sharing our stories with empathy. It's therapeutic
for ourselves, and for others as well.

TC & TTYL

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46008 - 02/22/03 11:20 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
  • I didn't say no because my body became paralyzed. (forze) I instantly went into shock!


The night I wrote this I finally went to bed somewhere between 2 and 3 in the morning. I had to be up at 6:30 to get ready for work.

I put a C D in the C D player and tried to let the music put me to sleep. Just as I was about to fall asleep ( or maybe I was asleep) There was a loud pop and a large flash of light. It reminded me of the 4th of July except the "streamers" did not fall to the ground like a firework but rather went straight out. Maybe a better way of explaining it would be to compare it to a star exploding in space.

I immediately woke up. I tried to fall back asleep. Again, at the point that where I was about to fall asleep, wierd things started happening. This time I could not feel my arms and legs. It was almost like I was having an out-of-body experience. I was in (not a tight) ... but a loose fetal position. I couldn't feel or move any part of my body.

I thought I was just drifting off to sleep. But then I started experiencing a banging sound in my ears. The more paralyzed I the louder the banging in my ears became. I remeber thinking that maybe I was having a heart attack or a stroke. I tried to reach for the phone to call 911, but I couldn't move. Finally, I was able to "Jerk" myself awake.

I tried to fall asleep again. Again, at the point that I was drifting off to sleep the paralysis started. The greater the paralysis in my body the the louder the banging. I remember trying to again reach for the phone. Again, I finally I woke up.

For a third time I tried to fall asleep. The same thing happened. I took my pulse. I wondered if maybe I was having a reaction to one of the meds I was taking.

This time I got up. I went out to the kitchen and got a glass of milk. I went back to bed. I decided that this time I would try taking my pulse as I drifted off to sleep. I finally did fall asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a spliting headache.

I don't know if any of you know how to interpret dreams, but I know there is a lot of symbolism here. I can see some of it ..... but there are lots of things I don't understand.



Well, that was two nights ago. Today is Saturday. It looks like I am even going to get a chance to do some things I want to do. \:D

Take care brothers,

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#46009 - 02/22/03 11:53 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
HEY GUYS. The enomity of the pain I see in this particular post just shows, I think, that we are all joined at the HIP.
Early childhood for me was routine beatings from every older male from both my Fathers and Mothers side. It was good old fashioned whipping either in a basement or woodshed. It was a way of life for me. I was hyper kid (did not discover that I had ADHD until 6 months age. After these beating the women all ignored the symptoms of abuse and instead told me to go wipe the blood of and clean the bathroom afterwards. Every one called me bastard. For various reasons my Father was called a bastard also.He was off in europe and nroth africa fighting in WW2. I ran away repeatedly from the age of 8 to 14. Always dragged back and then beaten by my father for being such a dirty little bastart. I finally left home at the age of 14. Through the intervention of my father I went off to militart college and was violently abused by three guys as toy for them to do whatever they wanted. Later for 3 /12 years I was a male hustler. Wont go into that again right here.
NOW THE BIG QUESTION. Why didn't I tell.
As a child there was no one to talk to . Definetely not my family. Also I did not know about therapy, the police etc. As a matter of fact at least 3 maybe 4 cops in Ottawa were regular clients of my who introduced me to heroin. And as they say the rest was history.When I was tied up by 2 of these cops one night and while they were having fun. I received my first heroin hit. I was hooked. Whey didnt I tell the police or athority figure. I guess you can understand.
Later after cleaning up and pushing all of my feelings into a box, I could tell no one. I mean I became addicted to violence and pain and looking back I got to really enjoy all the shit.
When those cadets added sex to the violence and was was getting the attention I so craved my body reacted in a perverted way. I mean I got aroused and achieved orgasm. Who Could I Tell. I was just another pervert like all the rest of the lowlife customers I satisfied. I was getting paid for it. It WAS MY FAULT(that is what I thought)
All my life I have strived to be a good father, husband and friends to them and tow the 4 close friends I had and have. Why DID I NOT TELL. I was frozen into inactivity by my own feels of guilt , self loathing etc. I knew that anyone who knew about my past would drop me and run as far away from me as they could.
Look at all the similarities in our silence. Until Just recently I also felt that my childhood right of happiness and warmth had been stolen. Not true my brothers. The little me was imprisoned by the perps and customers and my family. And I WAS THE PRISON KEEPER. As I think I told everyone in a recent post. IT was not stolen just postponed and me the jailer with the keys.(I coulg just puke my guts out for being actively being involved). WELL THE JAIL DOOR IS EMPTY and I am gonna have a whole hell of a lot of fun with LITTLE MIKEY

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#46010 - 02/22/03 12:37 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1220
Loc: Northern Ohio
Telling. You must be joking. Your a little kid, in an era where kids don't "tell" on grown-ups.
Adults were (and still are) "All powerful". Adults MADE the rules. We dont even know what all the rules are as kids. Adults seem to make them up as they go.
We are totally dependent on adults for everything, Every thing. It doesn't even seem sensible to 'TELL". wHAT WOULD WE SAY? They used our own ignorance against us. WE BELIEVED WE HAD SOME CONTROL, We had NONE! Adults told us we were responsible for our actions And knew right from wrong. Its the adults that Teach us what right from wrong in the first place! What a Fucking set up. Its really no wonder why we blamed ourselves. Its no wonder why we didn't tell.

Blacken,
is his soul,
Blacken is his mind,
Blacken is the though that leads to the Blacken act.
Blacken mind I had, piosoned by his Deeds. Curses heaped upon my head, Blacken became his seed.
To fight, to strive, to clean the Blacken soot that clogs my soul,
my mind,
my thoughts,
my hope.....

Blacken...

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#46011 - 02/23/03 03:33 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi John! I have a problem at bedtime that is getting to be something I need to talk to my physician about. It is not a dream, but just as I would go to sleep I hear a voice saying, "well there he goes." as in he is dying. I need to keep telling myself that it has happened a dozen times and I wake up everyday so I am NOT dying---but it sures feels like I am.

Guys, here is a question. Perhaps why some of us did not tell is because we either liked, cared for, or loved the person who was harming us. Or, as some infer, they liked some of it, or did not experience it as a violent attack on us. Does any of that make sense to any of you?

I liked the guy who raped me--but his rapes were violent and I got beaten up every time. I came to have nothing but terror of him, even though I was determined to have as beautiful a physique as he had. But before he harmed me, he had been a kind of hero. I just could not believe it had happened. Had he not been so violent, threatened to kill me and strangled me every time, I may have been wiloling to do anything or let anything happen for me if he would just help me be built like he was.

Might some of us hoped that maybe if we put up with all of this we would eventually be loved by our abuser?
Maybe some of us did not tell because the man or woman who betrayed and violated us was very loving to us and told us how good we are and how much they loved us. For a kid, it is hard to understand why a person who loves us would insist on doing something that really hurt us. At the same time, they were convincing us that the did what they did because we were such terrific kids and they loved us so much.

Just a thought and a question. Some of us do have such hate and such a desire to harm our perps. Others are just glad it does not happen anymore. Why the wide difference in the ways we perceive our perps?

Bob.

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#46012 - 02/23/03 08:02 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
theDean - did I like my perp? Well I tried to tell about the abuse but since no one was going to do anything to stop the abuse, I just kinda gave in as this must be what people do. I liked my cousins because they did not hurt me. I became sexually active at 5 yrs old consensually (if possible?) with other peers. I began to like this secret sex play with both genders. Consensual sex was exciting and fun! By age 10, I had sexually play with about 25 peers. More but some didn't want to "play". By age 16, I was sexually involved consensually with between 50-60 peers with about 5+ perps older than me who forced me to do things with them. Those peers I still hold anger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My cousins I know were sexual with me, each other, a whole slew of friends/peers of both genders. I realized someone must have gotten to them too? I think I know who and they are adults (as those 5+ who got to me!!). I can get angry but forgive them because of their own abuses. The 14 yr old rapist however, I can still kill the son of a bitch if I ever, ever catch him!!!!!!!
What I get angriest at are the thoughts! On good days, I may only have 20+ sexual thoughts a day; however, on bad days (and there are several bad days) I have counted over 250+ sexual thoughts (flashbacks, people past and present). They don't bother me as much now but it gets exhausting! Sometimes, I really get fed up!!
I believe, the difference you're speaking of, Bob, is - for me - the humiliation, invasion of my body, the violence (physical, emotional)forced on me. I believe, when my emotions get all hooked up, this may change my thinking too!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#46013 - 02/23/03 08:28 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Scottytodd.

Thanks for your thoughts. I think that I feel lots of disgust against two perps. But I still fear my main perp. The fact that he is either deceased or would be in his early 80's makes no difference. If I think about it, I feel fear.

I kind of wish I did have more anger than I do. I have some, but then I get afraid of being angry--he would have killed me if I had gotten angry. But that is all mixed up with the fact that he was so strong and well-built and at the time of my life I wanted to be so well built that I would have girls swooning over me!

Take care in your healing. We survivors have so many thoughts, feelings, worries, desires it is just amazing.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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